We all know it’s that time of year. Professors have decided to ramp up assignments in the midst of midterms. They seem to have a moral opposition to letting a girl have a bed-rot day. So, sadly, since I can’t watch Gilmore Girls for the 16th time this week, I have to actually lock in. Yeah, easier said than done. Like an excitable, unable-to-focus-on-one-thing-for-longer-than-two-minutes puppy, I struggle to actually stay locked in and distraction-free. Hence, I’ve devised a laundry list of ways to ensure I am never, ever distracted again. Or at least until I finish my math pset.

Giant Hamster Ball

The most common way I get distracted is actually just as I’m about to sit down and finally start studying. It’s a tale as old as time: you bump into a friend in the dining hall or make idle chit-chat with a classmate for far too long, and suddenly it’s dark outside and your pset is due in thirty minutes. Stopping the conversation was just not in the cards that night! It was a good break, right? Definitely. But you can only take so many breaks before it becomes an issue. Before you have to embrace FOMO and order a giant hamster ball. You know, the kind that could comfortably fit a family of five? I need a physical bubble to isolate me from the distractions of socialization. A Covid 2.0 if you will.

Ankle Monitor

I am the queen of running errands during my study sessions. With exclamations like “Oh shoot, I needed Tide from CVS!” and “I need Joe’s to study effectively!”, my excuses pile up fast. My proposed solution? An ankle monitor. I’ll have it report live on my socials when I leave my dedicated study zone. Nothing motivates me more than the fear of public humiliation.

Bank Account Freeze

A bank account freeze would surely get me to study. Instead of opening my laptop and immediately getting to work on my readings, I often find myself scrolling through the latest Amazon Prime deals. It’s not my fault that retail is so therapeutic. I blame capitalism!!! So, in an ideal world where I am not able to even dream about spending, I think my attention problems would be resolved. Funny how a blow to my credit score would be the one thing that encourages me to pursue my credits…

Course Scheduling and Advising

Seriously, can a girl catch a break? I literally just declared my concentration and now I have to schedule classes for next semester? Anything would be better than pressing “Add to Cart” and sealing my fate for the spring. Q Reports are giving me the shivers, and that advising appointment haunts my dreams (right in time for spooky season). The motivation to ignore anything having to do with Spring 2027 truly has lit a fire in me and made me lock in for the midterms I have this month. (Don’t even get me started on the grade cap.)

LEGOs

There’s nothing more painful than stepping on a Lego. The stinging and white flash of pain that accompanies that fateful step is unlike any other. So, I’ve decided to put Legos in my socks. That’s right, if I try to leave my desk, I will be subjected to the world’s worst pain. If and only if I finish my pset, I will be able to take the Legos out from under my heels. Now that is what I call productivity-maxxing!

With the threat of midterms in the air, the existential dread they incite, and my professional level of procrastination, I really hope these five tricks will keep me locked in for midterm season and beyond. While my methods might be a tiny bit unconventional and perhaps a bit painful, I’m certain they will ensure I get the best possible results in the long-term. Even if I look ridiculous in the process. Truly, I’ll get the Ivy League education at its finest.

But I have to wait for all of these Amazon orders to come in first, okay? Just a few more episodes of Gilmore Girls and then I’ll be dialed. I promise.