In his New Year's Day message to the world, delayed a week so as not to conflict with the Rose Bowl Game, the Pope give HSA special dispensation to sell condoms in the Freshman Union. University vice president Charles U. Daly denies having interceded on HSA's behalf. "The Pope and I are old friends," Daly says, "but I haven't even seen him since we lobbied together against equality for women on Capitol Hill last Fall."
Nixon reveals Phase III of his economic program, in which all facets of the economy will be controlled by a giant commission, composed of "representatives of all the great interest groups of our wonderful country--business, finance, industry, management and the military." At left Commission chairman ED COX is seen in a ceremony in the Blue Room of the White House arresting THE POPE and the president of HSA as ringleaders of a world-wide conspiracy to raise the price of condoms.
At Harvard, vice president Stephen Hall announces that Phase III will require harsh cutbacks in facilities and personnel. Eliot House is sold to a hotel corporation and becomes the Sheraton Finley. Master Heimert, put on waivers, is picked up by Yale to be curator of their new Organic Food collection. ("Here's a man," says Kingman Brewster proudly, "who's sown his wild oats.") Senior Tutor Kevin Starr takes the vows and changes his name to Kevin Superstarr.
Declaring that History and Lit has become too large, Professor John Clive announces its division into two new elite concentrations. "History" and "Literature". "This way," Clive explains, "you can study what you're really interested in but still feel superior to your friends in English." Not to be outdone, Michael Walzer leads a surprise dawn takeover of the Fly building and announces that Social Studies has become a final club.
The Dunster House Anti-Herrnstein Committee announces an experiment to prove that their environment has affected them more than heredity. The study reveals that while House members entered Harvard from a wide variety of cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds, by the time they graduate from Dunster House 95 per cent of them think, dress and smell exactly the same, Meanwhile Professor Herrnstein appears in TV commercials to explain how twin studies show conclusively that in the hereditary meritocracy the top 20 per cent will drive Oldsmobiles.
The Lit'ry Life: Rabid SDS'ers kidnap Mary Handlin: Oscar, heartbroken, declared. "I may never publish again." Nostalgia hits the bestseller lists with "A Pictorial History of the Committee on Rights and Responsibilities" and "Richard Herrnstein Studies the Bobbsey Twins."
Francis "Hooks" Burr is pulled out of retirement to lead a nationwide search committee to find a replacement for Director of Athletics Bob Watson. Simultaneously, President Bok announces establishment of a nationwide search committee to find Watson, last seen wandering aimlessly along Interstate 80 in Ohio in serach of a replacement for his left rear tire, which had fallen off without his knowledge somewhere in New Jersey. At right, the PRINCETON FOOTBALL TEAM holds up Watson's TIRE (2nd row, third from left) as the captain cackles, "We'll never give it back."
John Yovicson, Margie McKenna and Albert Gordon '23 announce formation of a new organization called "Friends of Harvard Sex" to "promote this great intramural sport throughout the University."
Following CHUL insistence on "prompt and drastic action". Dean Dunlop opens hunting season on all pets in the Houses. Below is the first victim, Skiddy von Stade's POLO PONY, now stuffed and on exhibit in the Mather House courtyard.
Charles U. Daly's bid for the presidency is cut short, despite his strong showing in the New Hampshire primary, when he accidentally drives his Mercedes into Muddy Pond with two Grays Hall secretaries in the back seat. The Democratic National Committee awards him its consolation prize of "Mr. Congeniality" and he resigns from Harvard to run a late-night talk show.
The Afro Studies Review Committee releases its report. Ewart Guinier is demoted to Professor's Helper and Roger Rosenblatt is named chairman of the Afro department. Charlie MacNeil will replace him as Master of Dunster House.
GEORGE BENNETT (right) is arrested while consummating the purchase of 350 pounds of heroin (left) to be smuggled into the UNITED STATES (center). Before being carted away to serve a 40-year sentence, Bennett says, "I only hope and pray that Harvard will continue my life-long policy of investment for maximum return, without regard to moral issues."
Chou En Lai comes to Washington to celebrate May Day with President Nixon. As a prank following the passing a ceremonial opium pipe, Tricia sends two Secret Service men to switch off William O. Douglas's pacemaker. Douglas goes into a coma and retires indignantly from the court. After a brief but heart-felt search by Attorney General Mitchell for a "Black Jewish woman Southern conservative," Nixon announces the appointment of John Dunlop to fill the empty seat, saying, "His work with the building trade industry has earned Professor Dunlop a well-deserved reputation as a strict constructionist." Roman Hruska declares, "He's not as mediocre as I would have liked, but he sure can belt bourbon."
Harvard's 336th commencement is marred when the Science Center becomes unglued and topples into the glee club. George Wald, pretty much unglued himself, attempts to gain the stage in order to refuse an honorary degree, declaring "irrelevant and obfusticatory" the fact that he is not being offered one. Above RUTH HUBBARD (in macrobiotic suit) is dragged along the ground as she grasps the ankles of husband GEORGE WALD (under shaft of heavenly light) while SERAPHIM and CHERUBIM (left) and HARVARD UNIVERSITY POLICE (right) fight for control of the body, attempting to transport it to their respective headquarters. With the traditional Commencement oratory flourishes tempered by what Newsweek will next week label (in its cover story) "the new frankness among college presidents", President Bok does award honorary degrees to: Kingman Brewster ("...for dedicated service to scholarship and mankind..."), H. Ross Perot ("...because he is rich...") and Beverly Sills ("...we needed a woman...").
Bok also announces several surprise appointments: Charles P. Whitlock, Archie C. Epps and Hilary Putnam to be co-Deans of Harvard College and Gloria Steinem to be president of Radcliffe ("that's about 2.5 to 1, isn't it?"); and Martin Peretz to be vice president for development. "Marty's a great scholar and fundraiser," Bok says, "so as long as McCarthy doesn't run again and there's peace in the Middle East, we should have nachas for a long time to come."
Harvard buys back Dick Hyland from Mexican authorities in exchange for John Womack and Barbara Solomon.
Bob Hope buys back American POWs from North Vietnam in exchange for two Boeing 747s (with coach lounge and piano bar), 500 crates of Gatorade and Dick Hyland. On opposite page, HOPE, JILL ST. JOHN, HENRY KISSINGER, DANIEL ELLSBERG and JULIE NIXON EISENHOWER board plane on way to entertain U.S. troops in Dacca.
Richard Daley declares martial law in Miami and tries to arrest the entire Democratic convention when, after 134 ballots, it nominates Jerry Rubin for President. Vice Presidential nominee Larry DiCara attempts to sooth Daley, citing the need for "ethnic balance". Declaring that "extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice," Rubin says he will campaign on a radical platform of "ecological concern, cursing home reform and automobile safety."
At the Republican convention Nixon dumps Spiro and nominates Pat for Vice President. He explains, "Ever since Checkers died she's the only one I can trust."
The Fogg unveils its latest acquisition, a 20-foot-long historical mural by Andy Warhol entitled "The Conversion of Daniel Ellsberg" (ultimately to go on permanent exhibit in the lobby of Littauer Center when it becomes a daycare facility following the opening of the Kennedy School some time in 1993), in conjunction with the world premier of the film version of the Pentagon Papers, starring George Jessel as Walt Rostow and John Wayne as Volume One.
Also from Hollywood, the Harvard Admissions Committee announces it has hired Otto Preminger to produce a new Harvard promotional film to replace "Experience," entitled, "Tell Me That You Love Me, Derek Bok". (Informed sources report this is in reaction to a Yale announcement that it has hired Ken Russell to produce a movie of "Dink Stover at Yale" starring Twiggy as Dink Stover at Yale" starring Twiggy as Dink and Glenda Jackson as Kingman Brewster.) On frontispiece we see CHASE PETERSON (in madras sunglasses) and PREMINGER examining mockups of Kirkland House and Arthur Smithies, recreated on a studio back lot.
The opening of school and the opening of the football season. Charles Eliot Norton Professor Leonard Bernstein arrives for his series of guest lectures. At noon on registration day Bernstein leaps from an airplane circling over Harvard Yard and descends under a scarlet parachute, blowing ecstatic kisses to the crowd below, before landing in the arms of John Harvard. (Or is it John Dunlop? At any rate this large grey figure lounging outside University Hall.) One week later the Yard witnesses a slightly less affectionate scene as FELICIA BERNSTEIN (upper left, with Mace) and PRESIDENT BOK (spitting) engage in a kicking, clawing dogfight over whether her announced cocktail party in honor of the H-R Gay Alliance will steal the thunder from his previously planned touch football game with the group. John Dunlop, called back to arbitrate, decides in favor of Derek but gives Felicia possession of the half-time show.
New York openings: Former President Pusey, feeling sharp chest pains, is rushed to Our Lady of Academic Freedom Hospital, where, upon operating, doctors discover his vest is malignant. It is removed.
Eugene McCarthy calls a press conference in Las Vegas (where he is reading his poetry at the Sands Hotel) to announce that he will "probably run for president." Informed that the conventions are already over, McCarthy--tightly controlled outrage sweeping for a moment over his tired and anxiety-ridden face--urges citizens to "write in my name if you feel like it." Rebutting the charge that his campaign is "diffident", McCarthy declares that if he does not win, he will "send hordes of greasy youngsters out to attack the system." However, Morris Abram Jr., president of Greasy Youngsters for Meaningless Platitudes, says he will "only support a candidate whose positions are in the best interest of mankind." James Reston editorializes, following an exclusive four-hour interview and acupuncture session with Abram, "Youth Today forces all of us to aspire to the highest standard."
Jackie divorces Aristotle Onassis "as a protest against the repressive policies of the current Greek regime." Below she is seen nightclubbing in New York with new beaux (l. to r.) RICHARD DALEY, S.I. HAYAKAWA and FRANCISCO FRANCO.
On the eve of election day, Nixon announces Phase XLIII of his economic game plan, in which the calendar will be rearranged so as to have "Christmas every other day and Valentine's Day in between" in order to stimulate the economy, especially the sagging greeting card industry. "We will put a surcharge on misery and devalue want and deprivation of all sorts," the President rhetoricizes as thousands of militant turkeys and Easter rabbits storm the White House to protest the elimination of their holidays. The turkeys threaten court action. At left WILLIAM KUNSTLER, lawyer for the turkeys (with CHARLES NESSON, ALAN DERSHOWITZ and LEONARD BOUDIN, representing the bunny rabbits in background), declares, "We are in consultation with the reindeer and other oppressed beasts to examine what we can do together to fight this racist, sexist, humanist plan."
At Harvard, Kunstler enlists the aid of Irven Devore, who writes in the current National Geographic that if we start giving intelligence tests to animals the turkeys will soon take over the world. One hundred seven faculty members sign a petition written by Archibald Cox urging that Devore be fired or censured and attributing the turkey test scores to "cultural conditioning." Asked why he no longer supported the right of any professor to publish his theories, Cox said he merely objected to the publication of such controversial ideas in a mass magazine without testing them first in a scholarly journal such as the Atlantic Monthly. "Besides which--Good heavens, man!--last time they were theories we agreed with."
Meanwhile presidential assistant Walter Leonard releases statistics indicating that turkeys receive full and equal compensation at all levels of Harvard employment. "Some of our most distinguished professors are turkeys," he says proudly.
In art unexpected high-level policy switch, the sun takes up revolving around the earth. Informed sources report that even the CIA was caught off-guard, quoting the director as saying. "This is the first counter-revolution in years we didn't finance." John Kenneth Galbraith calls the unexpected turn of events" positively medieval.'
As thanks for his overwhelming re-election Nixon offers his grandson, John Foster Cox, as a sacrifice to the Sun God, and soon things are back to normal. The President announces that the American presence in Vietnam will soon be almost eliminated "except for several dozen scattered stockpiles of tactical nuclear weapons and 150,000 U.S. troops necessary to protect them from Communist aggression."