In his New Year's Day message to the world, delayed a week so as not to conflict with the Rose Bowl Game, the Pope give HSA special dispensation to sell condoms in the Freshman Union. University vice president Charles U. Daly denies having interceded on HSA's behalf. "The Pope and I are old friends," Daly says, "but I haven't even seen him since we lobbied together against equality for women on Capitol Hill last Fall."
Nixon reveals Phase III of his economic program, in which all facets of the economy will be controlled by a giant commission, composed of "representatives of all the great interest groups of our wonderful country--business, finance, industry, management and the military." At left Commission chairman ED COX is seen in a ceremony in the Blue Room of the White House arresting THE POPE and the president of HSA as ringleaders of a world-wide conspiracy to raise the price of condoms.
At Harvard, vice president Stephen Hall announces that Phase III will require harsh cutbacks in facilities and personnel. Eliot House is sold to a hotel corporation and becomes the Sheraton Finley. Master Heimert, put on waivers, is picked up by Yale to be curator of their new Organic Food collection. ("Here's a man," says Kingman Brewster proudly, "who's sown his wild oats.") Senior Tutor Kevin Starr takes the vows and changes his name to Kevin Superstarr.
Declaring that History and Lit has become too large, Professor John Clive announces its division into two new elite concentrations. "History" and "Literature". "This way," Clive explains, "you can study what you're really interested in but still feel superior to your friends in English." Not to be outdone, Michael Walzer leads a surprise dawn takeover of the Fly building and announces that Social Studies has become a final club.
The Dunster House Anti-Herrnstein Committee announces an experiment to prove that their environment has affected them more than heredity. The study reveals that while House members entered Harvard from a wide variety of cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds, by the time they graduate from Dunster House 95 per cent of them think, dress and smell exactly the same, Meanwhile Professor Herrnstein appears in TV commercials to explain how twin studies show conclusively that in the hereditary meritocracy the top 20 per cent will drive Oldsmobiles.
The Lit'ry Life: Rabid SDS'ers kidnap Mary Handlin: Oscar, heartbroken, declared. "I may never publish again." Nostalgia hits the bestseller lists with "A Pictorial History of the Committee on Rights and Responsibilities" and "Richard Herrnstein Studies the Bobbsey Twins."
Francis "Hooks" Burr is pulled out of retirement to lead a nationwide search committee to find a replacement for Director of Athletics Bob Watson. Simultaneously, President Bok announces establishment of a nationwide search committee to find Watson, last seen wandering aimlessly along Interstate 80 in Ohio in serach of a replacement for his left rear tire, which had fallen off without his knowledge somewhere in New Jersey. At right, the PRINCETON FOOTBALL TEAM holds up Watson's TIRE (2nd row, third from left) as the captain cackles, "We'll never give it back."
John Yovicson, Margie McKenna and Albert Gordon '23 announce formation of a new organization called "Friends of Harvard Sex" to "promote this great intramural sport throughout the University."
Following CHUL insistence on "prompt and drastic action". Dean Dunlop opens hunting season on all pets in the Houses. Below is the first victim, Skiddy von Stade's POLO PONY, now stuffed and on exhibit in the Mather House courtyard.
Charles U. Daly's bid for the presidency is cut short, despite his strong showing in the New Hampshire primary, when he accidentally drives his Mercedes into Muddy Pond with two Grays Hall secretaries in the back seat. The Democratic National Committee awards him its consolation prize of "Mr. Congeniality" and he resigns from Harvard to run a late-night talk show.
The Afro Studies Review Committee releases its report. Ewart Guinier is demoted to Professor's Helper and Roger Rosenblatt is named chairman of the Afro department. Charlie MacNeil will replace him as Master of Dunster House.
GEORGE BENNETT (right) is arrested while consummating the purchase of 350 pounds of heroin (left) to be smuggled into the UNITED STATES (center). Before being carted away to serve a 40-year sentence, Bennett says, "I only hope and pray that Harvard will continue my life-long policy of investment for maximum return, without regard to moral issues."