The blog of The Harvard Crimson

Flyby Matchmaker is Back with a Bang!


If Datamatch and the Harvard dating scene have failed you this year, look no further. Cuffing season may be coming to an end, but you can give love a second chance with Flyby Matchmaker!

It’s simple: just fill out a quick form and we’ll match you with a compatible special someone—no questionable algorithms needed. Plus, after we match you with your soulmate, we’ve got your first date covered. In return, all you have to do is tell us how the date went, and share a selfie.

Fill out the form here.

P.S. You must be an undergraduate student at Harvard College and 18 years old or older to participate. You must follow all Harvard College standards of conduct and other laws and regulations while on the date.

How to Finesse Your Way Into a Blocking Group

happy group
Squeeze yourself into the frame.

Blocking applications are just around the corner, which means unless you’re one of the lucky ones who has managed to secure a spot already, you’re probably making a mental list of people who might be desperate/charitable enough to admit you into their blocking group. Read on to find out just how easy it is to gloat (about your new blocking group) instead of float (in your team of one).

Make up some rumor about how n+1 is the best configuration for a river house.

Nothing strikes fear in a freshman’s heart quite like being quadded, so if your sorta-kinda friend Amanda tells you that her blocking group has five people, tell her that you’ve heard six people groups are less likely to be quadded. Then volunteer yourself as tribute. You’ll be a hero and the newly inducted member into a blocking group...that is, unless you all ultimately end up quadded, in which case, good luck explaining that.

Hand out resumés detailing why you would be the perfect blockmate.

Perfecting extensive resumés is what Harvard students do best, so why not create a list of reasons that no potential blocking group can turn down? Alternatively, casually slip your blockmate perks and assets into conversation whenever possible. E.g. “I bake all the time! I especially can’t wait to bake for my future blockmates!”

Keep your ears open for any potential blocking group drama.

Ever hear that saying, “Where there’s a will there’s a way?” I prefer the saying, “Where there’s an opening, there’s your way [into that blocking group].” If poor Will finds himself kicked out of a blocking group, well, sorry Will, but there’s your way to procure yourself a solid group of blockmates (as long as they don’t boot you too).

Warning: While some of these tips will get you blocked, they may also get you blocked (on social media).

How To: Have A Successful Datamatch Date


Sure, a select few Harvard students may have significant others (yes, we’ve seen your obnoxiously cute Instagram posts). But the rest of us will be putting all of our hope into computer algorithms and free food for this year’s long-awaited Datamatch. The algorithm only does so much, but with a few quick steps even you, an awkward, washed-up high school valedictorian, can make a Datamatch date successful.

Research the hell out of your date

You’ll basically become a human bot, a walking encyclopedia on their life. This way, you’ll never run out of conversation topics. Get them to talk about their favorite books, the best places they’ve traveled to and, most importantly, why they went to prom with another person in 2014, four years before they even met you. Seriously, is commitment going to be a problem?

Hint that you could be their Harvard Daddy/Mommy

Casually mention the private island you grew up on and don’t forget to namedrop your parents. However, that might alienate the many Harvard students who invest a lot of energy into pretending they’re not snakes, so for now, just promise them a stable future full of free Felipe’s burritos.

Invite them over to “see your common room”

Never mind the fact that you actually live in a hallway double, from which you hastily exiled your roommate just seconds ago via a desperate text. If you’re confident in your ~abilities~ and your date is up for it, why not shed the shyness and start your romance with some passion?

Treat them like trash

In a twisted, masochistic way, we always desire the people who forget about us, never text back, and don’t have time for us. So, go ahead and take advantage of this strange contradiction in human psychology. You’ll have your Datamatch date asking the most quintessential Harvard question: Why am I not good enough?

Oh well, if Datamatch (or our advice) fails you, there’s always discounted chocolate from CVS.

How to Tell Your Crush You Like Them

harvard square valentine's day backpage
Could be you and your crush but you playin'

The clock struck midnight on February 14th, and the V-Day bomb detonated, leaving behind a pink and red cloud of desperation, horniness, and self-loathing. (Actually, that last one lingers in Harvard Square's air all the time.)

With Valentine’s Day comes a whole lot of feelings you’re normally immune to. But it’s been cold for a while, and you can’t help thinking that cuddling with another human in a twin bed might not be so bad. That person who is ‘eh’ all other times of the year? Suddenly their eyes sparkle when they smile. It hits you: You have a Crush.

In case you’re feeling ballsy or just extra needy this Valentine’s Day, we have put together some great ways to ask your crush out. You’re welcome.

Propose. Immediately.

Don’t let The One get away because you were afraid to move too quickly. You’ve gotta lock ‘em down, and quick, before Brad the Ec concentrator gets his fancy job at Goldman Sachs while you’re still “searching for your passion" (aka not financially desirable).

Here’s how you do it: go to CVS. Purchase a Ring Pop. Find your crush in the dhall. Approach them, make them stand in the aisle. Kneel and present them with the Ring Pop while professing your undying love. If they ask you what your name is, that’s a good sign. They obviously know who you are, they're just so lovestruck that they came down with minor amnesia.

A Flash Mob

Gather your closest friends/anyone who thinks they can dance. Find your crush, and approach them blasting FM$ by the New Boyz. In true middle school dance fashion, impress them with how well you can jerk.

Play hard to get

Whenever your crush enters the room, flee quickly and conspicuously. If they try to talk to you, look right through them, or immediately strike up a conversation with someone else. If no one else is around, strike up a conversation with yourself.

Email

Send them a formal email, and be sure to sign off with something elegant, like “Kind regards” or “Peace out girl scout.” Bonus points if you attach your resume.

Send them a LinkedIn request

Your crush won’t be able to interpret this move as anything other than intellectual flirtation.

Do it à la final club

Punch your crush figuratively or literally. Slide a letter with a wax seal under their door. Or just punch them in the face. We all need a release sometimes, especially after thinking too long about single-gender organizations unrecognized by Harvard.

Or you could, I don’t know, just tell them? We hope you successfully shoot your shot and have a Happy Valentine’s Day!

Veritawkward Tackles "Just Friends"


Dear Veritawkward,
I have been really close with my nextdoor neighbor all year, and I started developing feelings for her over break. I decided to share my feelings, in hopes of a romantic Valentine’s Day. Her response? “I just want to be friends.” How can I keep being friends with her if I want more?
Sincerely,
Friendzoned in February

Dear Friendzoned,
First of all, props to you for making a move! No, seriously. While it may not have gone the way you hoped, having that kind of confidence and go-getter attitude will get you far in life—just make sure you don’t turn into section kid.

Anyways, you took your shot, and it missed the mark. Yikes. If you feel like you need to wallow, keep your self-pity contained to one night of eating ice cream and watching The Notebook on repeat. After that, pick yourself up and remember that just because she said no, that’s not a negative reflection on you! Channel all your angsty energy into acing your classes, actually doing that reading you’ve been putting off, and spending time with your friends. Regarding this Girl-Next-Door, if you truly value her friendship, you’ll find a way to make it work. Maybe you need your space right now, which is totally understandable, and definitely don’t feel forced to be around her if you feel too hurt. If/When you realize that you miss her as a friend, just tell her that. You know that she still wants to be friends, so that security will make it much easier when you attempt to move forward.

Long story short, take some time for yourself, and really evaluate what you want. If you truly enjoy having this girl in your life, you’ll realize that this one incident isn’t worth losing her over. Be warned, though...awkward encounters in the hallway might ensue in the next few days. That’s just life, my friend. It’s only awkward if you make it that way.
Good luck,
Veritawkward

Dear Veritawkward,
Someone I like was only willing to be "friends with benefits." He insisted he didn't want a real relationship, but would then flirtatiously say we should get married or have kids, and say that he cared about me and that I made him happy. I would consistently get my hopes up only to be let down! We continued this for three months before deciding to end things. Now, we’re trying to be just friends, but I still have feelings for him. He's already seeing someone new and is willing to commit to them, which confuses me. I want to be friends, but keep getting hurt. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Just Friends...with Benefits?

Dear Just Friends,
Oh, boy. I hate to be blunt, but you need to cut this dude from your life. Before you inevitably start coming up with reasons not to, hear me out.

First of all, anyone who brings up marriage and kids in college (even if it’s a joke) seriously needs to reevaluate their priorities. The only kids you need to be thinking about are the food babies you’ll get at Jefe’s on Saturday night. Second, this sounds like the definition of being strung along. And seriously, Just Friends, nobody deserves to be toyed with, especially you. You are a strong person, and anyone who would keep leading you on when they know you have feelings for them is a jerk. It’s super selfish, and as much as you think you like this person, being in a real relationship with him would be miserable. Someone who doesn’t appreciate you and value you doesn’t deserve to have you in their life. Period, end of story. I know it’s hard to hear, but sometimes the truth is hard.

Regarding this new person he’s seeing, don’t waste your time wondering why Grade-A Jerk is willing to commit to them and not to you. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with Mr. Jerk-off not realizing he let an incredible person slip away. I’ve been in your shoes countless times before, and I know how it feels to be grasping at straws to keep a person you like in your life. But honestly, being friends with this person sounds like it’s just hurting you, and that’s not a healthy way to live. He needs to go. It’s for the best, and it’ll feel so liberating to not have to worry about him anymore.
Keep your head up,
Veritawkward

—Have a burning question you want answered? Need advice on your hookups, your heartbreaks, or your significant others? Contact us at veritawkward@gmail.com.

Give Me Primal Scream, or Give Me Death

Primal Scream
What's it gonna be? Primal (Clothed) Scream?

Yesterday, the 29th President of Harvard was announced—Lawrence S. Bacow. Now, I don’t know much about him because I didn’t read William F. Lee's email. It looked really long. But the one thing that I do know about Larry is that he ended Tufts’s Naked Quad Run. As a student with questionable collegiate priorities, this concerns me. Is President Bacow going to terminate Primal Scream?

Primal Scream is one of the few nights of the year when I both go outside and interact with other human beings. In a 2011 op-ed, Bacow cited twelve student hospitalizations, an arrest, and two students with 0.3 blood alcohol content levels as sufficient reason to finally end the Naked Quad Run tradition. Now, as someone who watches Cops, I can confirm that getting arrested and getting boozily hospitalized does not seem fun or safe. As someone who goes to Harvard, however, I can attest to the fact that students here don’t really get the chance to go insane often. I suppose that one could argue that Harvard-Yale counts, but I would disagree that blasting ‘Mr. Brightside’ at 11 a.m. amongst a sea of students who don’t know what football is suffices as such an activity. Plus, the Scream usually becomes an anxiously brisk walk by the time that the mob clumps up in front of the John Harvard Statue—nothing that a tube of Neosporin and a Band-Aid couldn’t fix up.

If President Bacow takes away Primal Scream, I probably won’t do anything, but boy, will I be mildly upset. My only solace after a semester of getting my self-confidence and intellect slain by classes that stress me out is donning my birthday suit and pretending that I’m in good enough shape to run around the Yard once. Primal Scream is beautiful. This December, I saw four guys hoist a freshman and carry him around as one unit of nude brotherhood. I saw a 'Seven Nation Army' chant break out amongst complete strangers. I saw half of the band see another person naked for the first time. Yes, it was a nightmare, but it was a wonderful one.

If there is one cause that Harvard ought to rally behind this spring, it is protecting our precious Scream. Without it, who knows how stressed students will be when finals start? I can only imagine the fear in the eyes of a poor freshman who doesn’t have a proper excuse for doing terribly on their first exam. Let us keep this, Larry. Primal Scream is what we want. Primal Scream is what we need.

The Ones That Got Away: Presidential Candidates

Anthony Scaramucci
Okay, so he might only keep the job for ten days instead of ten years...

In case you missed it, Harvard finally picked its 29th President. Although we’re certain we’ll love Larry, we’re disappointed that the search committee overlooked some really remarkable candidates.

Scaramucci, “The Mooch”

No one has displayed as much Crimson pride as Anthony “I went to Harvard Law School” Scaramucci during his brief stint in the White House. Seriously, the man was communications director for ten days. That’s about 1.78 H-bombs per hour.

John from Annenberg

This man literally knows every Harvard undergraduate’s name, and probably some grad students as well. Straight out of the book on leadership: Know your audience. He already knows how to handle the limelight (read: the dim illumination of the Berg).

Any former Punchmaster

It’s really hard work to judge that many people in such a short amount of time. They exemplify efficiency, attention to detail (“Upper East or Upper West?”), and the importance of having high standards. Everyone loves a lower admissions rate, and no one knows exclusivity better than a punchmaster.

The Spirit of Karl Marx

To ensure that Harvard becomes the epitome of a safe space for all us special snowflakes, we need the left of the left of the left to save us. Who better than the Father of Communism himself? Our school color is Crimson, why not go completely Red?

A Literal Pile of Money

We all know they’re only looking for someone to up that endowment, so why not just cut out the middleman?

Again, no shade to Larry, but it might be worthwhile for him to reach out and ask for some tips from these folks.

How to Pronounce Bacow

Bacow Action Man
All of the above?

It’s official. Lawrence S. Bacow will be the 29th President of Harvard. Whether his selection is good or bad, we really have no clue how to pronounce his last name, which seems to be as mysterious as the lone Cheeto you find in your bed every night even though you never eat them. Luckily, Flyby has compiled a few different ways we think it could be pronounced.

Back-Ow

The man’s 66 years old. He probably has a bit of back pain. Maybe he groans about it by pronouncing his name this way.

Ba-Cow

Mooooooooooooo. Be careful when you’re walking around Harvard Yard late at night. You might tip the poor guy over.

Bow Chicka Wow Wow

I mean, hey, whatever floats your boat.

Drew Gilpin Faust

President of a university during the financial crisis, centralizing administration, fundraising a ton—the guy is basically Drew plus testosterone. He might as well recognize it.

Bacon

I’m hungry. Larry’s last name looks like it. Kevin Bacon is hot. Larry’s last name looks like his. Give me Bacow bacon, regular bacon, and Kevin Bacon, and you might as well kill me now because my life is complete.

No matter how you choose to pronounce Bacow’s name, it’s never going to be as hard to pronounce as “Donald Trump is the President of the United States.”

The tl;dr Version of the "Harvard's Next President" Email

Harvard President email
Because these are the only two lines you read, we've broken down the rest.

After Drew G. Faust broke records as Harvard’s first female president, the Corporation and Board of Overseers have chosen one of their own, Lawrence S. Bacow—who is, shockingly, an old white man—for our next president. We know you didn’t read beyond the first two lines of the introductory email sent out by the search committee, so we’ve picked out the most notable and quotable bits.

“Larry Bacow”

His name is Larry. Larry. For such a distinguished office, it’s pretty pathetic that three Larrys have occupied it. That’s three times the number of Presidential women, and, if it wasn’t obvious already, all those Larrys are white.

“He will bring…wide experience, deep expertise, and an intimate familiarity…”

Could have done without the erotica-esque epithets, William F. Lee, but clearly he’s excited about this pick.

“The son of immigrants”

A not-so-subtle diversity plug, but it falters when followed by the phrase “with three degrees from Harvard.”

“He embraced diversity as a cornerstone of excellence”

See above. Also, why is it considered an accomplishment to “embrace diversity” and accept that diversity is excellent?

“He led the most ambitious fundraising drive in Tufts history”

Ah, now it all makes sense. With Harvard’s woeful endowment prospects, who better to give our hoard of billions a boost than Larry?

“‘Larry, Larry, Larry’”

Apparently, this is what the Tufts kids chanted when he was President. While we got Tufts’ sloppy seconds, for the love of Drew G. Faust, I hope we can come up with a better chant.

Welcome, Larry. We’re glad “the Corporation” set you free.

Looking for Valentine's Day Gifts? Look No Further.

Happy Valentine’s season, and welcome to yet another holiday that has manufacturers everywhere vying for your money. We’re getting close, so whether you’ve got a significant other that you haven’t quite figured out a present for yet, a Galentine’s Day date who you need to splurge on, or if you’re just looking to treat yourself for making it through the season of love alone, Flyby suggests some gifts, all of which are available in Harvard Square.

$10 and Under

Black Ink sells some very aesthetic temporary tattoos that just happen to come in packs of two, so you and your S.O. can get tatted together. Whether you’re scared of commitment ink-wise or relationship-wise, these tattoos are sure to do the trick. $5.50

Mozart Loves Chocolate
Mozart was great, chocolates are great. You're buying the chocolates, so you must also be great? When your crush asks your logic, cite the transitive property.
Classical music? Romantic. Chocolate? Romantic. Classical music chocolate? Double romantic. Pick up some Mozart-themed chocolates at Cardullo's and instantly upgrade from that bag of chocolate kisses you were planning on getting from CVS. $9.99

Horror Stories of Love
We all have our fair share of dating horror stories.
Single and wishing you were more ready to mingle? The Urban Outfitters basement has got you covered with The Complete Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex, or, as the back helpfully explains, Don’t Get Caught With Your Pants Down! Honestly, it’s on clearance, so unless you’re ultra-confident in your relationship status (Hello?? Anyone out there??) you might want to go pick up a copy. $9.99

$15 and Under

What could be more appropriate for Valentine's day than some brand spanking new rubbers? Black Ink sells a D.I.Y eraser kit, with 12 different colors of moldable rubber that you shape and bake. Will your homemade rubbers be as effective as conventional ones? Sounds like the perfect thing to find out together. $12.95

Looking to spice things up a bit this Valentine's day? Grab Come As You Aren’t from Papyrus, described as a “role-playing game for adventurous couples.” Just make sure everyone’s on board before gifting this, or the big reveal could be more awkward than romantic. $14.99

For the smart but witty Valentine, the Harvard Bookstore has got you covered with The Subtext Collection of 24 Literary Postcards. While the name is terribly boring, the postcards themselves feature pieces of prominent literary works such as Romeo and Juliet (romance!) and The Raven (definitely not romance), and highlight certain letters to spell out phrases such as “hell no,” “sup bro,” and “nailed it.” $14.99

$25 and Under

Trying to add some tipsy to your Galentines plans? Pick up Prosecco Pong from Urban Outfitters. It comes with everything but the prosecco (sad, we know), and helpfully outlines the three steps to playing Prosecco Pong, just in case you were hazy on how the whole thing works like we are. $25.00

Prosecco Pong
We can't give you pointers on how to play the game, but we can tell you that it looks dope. If your S.O. does not like it, feel free to forward it to us.

If you’re looking for something a bit more intimate for Valentine's day, head to LUSH, where you will certainly be accosted by no less than three different employees all trying to convince you to buy random stuff. Standouts include the Tender Is The Night massage bar ($15.95), marketed as an “intoxicating” scent “for a sensual massage” and the Sex Bomb bath bomb ($7.95), if you’re lucky enough to have access to a bathtub.

Getting the feeling that your Valentine's date would much rather receive a consulting internship than anything you could give them? Head to Papyrus for the next best thing, a corporate-ish looking nameplate reading “Lover, Not a Fighter.” What does it really mean? Who knows, but it will surely sit on their fancy future desk for years to come. $19.95

We always hear that experiences are more valuable than material things, but we also all know that your S.O. wouldn’t be so happy if you told them that their Valentine's Day gift was getting to spend quality time with you. However, you can remedy this dilemma by heading to The Games We Play and picking out a board or card game so that you two can throw it back to an era before Netflix and chill. With games such as Chocolate Fix ($21.00), Bang! ($23.50), and Noodlers ($14.00), you’re sure to find something exciting.

The Five Strangest Tinder Bachelors in Cambridge, Pt. 2

Valentine’s Day might be a late capitalist invention that commodifies human emotion, but you still want a date. Lucky for you, we live in some twisted Black Mirror reality, so modern technology can help you find someone (whom you later break up with after getting back your HUHS infection results). To aid your search for love, we handpicked the most coveted bachelors for our second installment of the most eligible Tinder bachelors series.

5) John Harvard, 21 (1 mile away)


Although this silver (or bronze?) fox is clearly lying about his age and is into some “unorthodox” showers, no list is complete without the OG Harvard Daddy.

4) Morty, 19 (less than a mile away)

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to date the protagonist of “Rick and Morty.” If you do make the cut, maybe skip the Central Square McDonald’s date? Actually, don't take dates to McDonald's period.

3) Cookie, 20 (42 miles away)


Feel like cheating on your next-door sweetheart, the HUDS carnival cookie, or your late night booty call, Insomnia? This scrumptious charmer is an hour drive away, so certainly not as convenient, but perhaps more delicious.

2) Barry B, 18 (2 miles away)

You like jazz? Are you a fan of Jerry Seinfeld? Do you crave a different kind of buzz? Barry B is your man. After all, why hook up with someone from the Bee, if you can screw an actual bee?

1) NomDePlume Victor (1 mile away)

We’ve heard he’s in the PC. If Victor is royalty, then you can be his Meghan Markle.

Valentine's Day Date Ideas

Yes, you should be trying to make your S.O.'s day every day, but February 14th is the one day you definitely can’t afford to mess up. As Valentine’s Day creeps up and #couplegoals rises up the Trending list, the pressure to plan the best date is on. No idea how to spend the day with your significant other? Sick of settling for El Jefe’s outings? We've got your back with these potential date ideas for you and your boo.

Ice Skating

Take advantage of the snowy, picturesque weather and head to Frog Pond for ice skating. A much needed break from campus, ice skating is one of the few reasons below freezing temperatures can actually be a good thing. If neither of you know how to ice skate, then this idea is a must. Nothing says "happy couple" like falling on your butts together.

Bougie Meals

Use Valentine’s Day as an excuse to escape unseasoned dining hall food and treat yourselves. Consider venturing out into new options, or splurge on the lavish restaurants that you always walked past with a pang in your heart and your wallet. Some particularly romantic enclaves in the Square include Beat Brassiere, Temple Bar, and Grafton Street.

Explore Boston

Be honest with yourself: When’s the last time you left the vicinity of campus and actually gone into the city? Extracurricular obligations don’t count. This is the perfect opportunity for you and your partner to explore new sights together, whether it’s strolling down Newbury Street, chasing squirrels in Boston Common, or wandering through the bustling streets of Chinatown.

Domestic Dates

For 364 days of the year, Harvard may seem like a bleak prison chaining our souls until the death of our livelihoods, but make February 14th an exception by planning a cozier date on campus. Not all dates have to be extravagant. Go the dorky route and film a cooking show episode together or marathon all of Teen Titans Go. The world is your oyster.

In truth, Valentine’s Day can be spent any way you want, as long as you and your S.O. are spending it together. After all, whether it’s the love of your life, your best friends, or your mirror, this day is less about what you do than it is about who you’re with.

Questions Datamatch Should Add to Its Survey


It’s Datamatch szn, folks. People are trying to find true love (but really free food) by taking an online survey. The questions are quirky each year, but here are a few we think are missing.

Who are you voting for UC?

Let’s face it—UC elections are characterized by consistently low turnout. If the UC is going to change that, they’ve gotta do something big. They didn't need to create a new voting system; they could just ask us to vote at the end of the Datamatch survey, which more than 75% of Harvard undergrads sign up for. Turnout stats would skyrocket (though Quincy would probably manage to still have no one vote), and matching people with opposite stances on final clubs would definitely make for interesting evenings.

Do you like the Patriots?

First off, suck it. Secondly, let’s let all the Patriots fan stick together and not infect the rest of us. They’ll have Patriot-cest and make kids with that “gAWd-AWful” Boston accent while the rest of us live normal, non-Superbowl-losing lives.

Do you want a sugar daddy?

Datamatch is so popular that its purpose should be expanded. Some of us (myself included) NEED this in our lives. How else are we going to afford Blue Bottle Coffee?

Have you ever had sex in the stacks?

Datamatch could be your chance! Match people who haven’t done the deed yet and give them directions to the bowels of Widener and a blanket—that tile floor is cold.

Are you taking more than four classes?

If so, then you’re a masochist and should probably be paired with other masochists.

Are you taking more than five classes?

If you answer anything but “I’d rather go to Yale,” then I’m gonna need you to please stay away from me.

Freshmen, Lower Your Datamatch Expectations

Datamatch
A great way to find your soulmate or a great way to procrastinate doing your 400 pages of readings for fifteen minutes?

If you’re a freshman, the concept of Datamatch may not have been thoroughly explained to you. Actually, the concept of speaking to other people may also not have been thoroughly explained to you either. Luckily, we have multiple years of crippling loneliness and Valentine’s Day solitude under our belts and are passing our knowledge unto you.

What Datamatch Is

Datamatch is a college-wide distributed survey created by the Harvard Computer Society. Yes—the mechanism through which students find dates at this school is dependent on the Computer Society. Interpret that as you will. After answering a bunch of multiple choice questions regarding your life on Harvard, interests, blood type, Social Security number, etc., you send in your answers and wait eagerly by candlelight as an algorithm determines which human you’ll put on a decent outfit to go on a date with.

On Valentine’s Day, you’ll receive one or two matches, with the option to get a meal paid for by HCS with said match. The catch is that both your match and you must indicate that you’re down to get a meal together. Unrequited acceptances don’t work. It’s kind of like the ‘Hang the DJ’ episode of Black Mirror, except that Datamatch won’t mentally scar you. If both of you decide to engage in human interaction for the first time in your life, you’ll go on a (potentially) cute date and elope within the next few days.

If your desire to go out with your match is not reciprocated by them, I would recommend listening to ‘Drew Barrymore’ by SZA on loop to assist you in the weeklong crying session you’re going to embark on. I would also recommend using the Kleenex with Lotion tissues, as your nose will get less irritated as you cry more. I’m not saying this from personal experience. Okay, yes, I am. Why did you ignore me, Amanda….

What Datamatch Is Not

Datamatch is not a valid reason to tell your blocking group that you’re entering the dating market at Harvard. It does not justify spending $400 on a new wardrobe to get glammed out to go to Zinneken’s. It definitely is not the way to secure a lifelong commitment with that guy from your government section that you’re too anxious to say hi to. It’s not a serious, “business formal” approach to making connections at Harvard, which is a great thing. Mostly, it is not a way to tell your friends from home that you’re dating a gal from Harvard. If someone gave me the option to eat at Flour for free, I’d gladly take the opportunity to go, even if it was with a literal rabid hyena.

Datamatch is a great tradition at Harvard, and you should definitely give it a shot. Who knows—maybe you’ll actually enjoy your time with your match, and you two can remain friends...or fiancés. You may have to take a step out of your comfort zone, but that’s what college is all about. Heck, this is your chance to go to Clover and not feel bad for spending a rack on rosemary fries. So, get out there and have fun. Or don’t. Crying on Valentine’s Day is always an option too.

The Best of Datamatch 2018

For a bunch of CS nerds, we have to applaud the HCS for their humorous content on this year's Datamatch survey. We don't think the laughs should be restricted only to Datamatch users, so we give you: Best of Datamatch 2k18.

We're saddened by how many Harvard students we expect to take full advantage of this feature.

We always knew the sole reason for frequenting LamCaf was to flirt (looking at you, freshmen).

And if you haven't been in the Crimson, that's a sign you should comp Flyby.

The only thing better than a strong LinkedIn presence is having a River Daddy.

What if we told you that people care about your love life almost as little as they care about Bitcoin?

So get out there, get Datamatching, and prove us all wrong: Love does exist at Harvard.

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