The blog of The Harvard Crimson

ICYMI: Rihanna Is Blessing Us With Her Presence

Unless you’ve avoided human contact for the last 24-48 hours, it shouldn't be news to you that Rihanna is coming to campus next week. Yes, Rihanna, the love of our lives ever since “Unfaithful” made us consider ending it with our 4th grade significant other. And while we ended up miserable after trying to follow the advice from her songs, we still have love for her. Not everyone (read: not you) can be a savage like Rihanna.

Here’s the rundown on Ms. Fenty’s visit—as if we needed prompting to be at this event. As if.

Rihanna Event
The face that has been overtaking your Facebook newsfeed.

Actual Event: Why are we this blessed?

As great as Harvard students tend to think we are, Rihanna is not coming just to hang out with us. She’s being presented with the the Harvard Foundation’s Peter J. Gomes Humanitarian of the Year Award. The Harvard Foundation. Aka the people who are also bringing Viola Davis on Mar. 4. Aka the people who seem very dedicated to preventing our mental breakdowns over the next two weeks.

Ms. Fenty is being presented with this award for all the charitable work, work, work, work, work she’s been doing. And she’s done this all while dealing with Drake’s childishness!

Time and Date: The best moment of our young lives

If you’re lucky, you’ll get to breathe the same air as Rihanna as soon as next week. She’s coming on Tuesday, February 28th from 4:00 to 5:30 p.m. If you’re one of those unlucky souls who have class or section during this time, we are not telling you to skip class. On the other hand, we’re not not telling you to skip class.

Location: So we know where to camp out

Sanders Theatre. Finally there might be an event magical enough to rid us of two semesters worth of Ec10 PTSD. What could be more intimate than a room with Rihanna and 1,000 of her closest friends?

Ticketing: Will we have to sell our souls?

This event is free. We’re so excited about it that we’re going to repeat it. This event is free. We don’t have to offer up our firstborn to see her. And don't try to say you wouldn't do that. Because that’s a lie. You would. We all would.

Tickets are only in-person distribution. You have to go pick up your ticket at noon from Sanders Theatre the day of the event (Tuesday, February 28). It’s first-come, first-serve, so if you’re a true fan, you better be lining up early.

Once again, if you’re unlucky enough to have class, we’re not telling you how to live your life. But every person can pick up two tickets, so we hope you have a friend who likes you.

Lastly, this event is only for Harvard ID holders. So if you’re reading this from your MIT or Tufts dorm room, it’s too late. We don’t feel bad at all. But we do appreciate your page views.

Much Rihanna Love,

Flyby.

The 2017 Midterm Survival Guide

Although exam dates are clearly marked on course syllabi (does anyone but the section kid even read those?), their impending approach still surprises Harvard students as much as the New Haven Community College's recent football win.

Do you have trouble accepting the midterms’ existence? Did your attention span disappear because you scrolled through too many Flyby articles? Do you break out in cold sweat every time your TF emails you with yet another reminder about an upcoming review session? Don’t worry—the next few weeks don't have to be blemished by a cycle of stress if you're smart about tackling the season. Flyby has compiled our best midterm survival tips for acing (or at least passing) your exams and keeping your sanity in the process.

Switch up your study spots

Please leave that armchair you’ve been glued to for the past 2 days—Lamont Cafe is not going anywhere. Studying in the same spot not only makes you feel a bit more dead inside but also decreases your information retention. So get up, bring your work with you and finally conquer Widener’s many steps or trek across the river to Harvard Business School. You might even catch a celebrity or two if you head over there. If you are feeling particularly brave, maybe even venture outside the Harvard bubble.

Try to be healthy

As boring and condescending this may sound, try to sleep sometimes, eat a vegetable or two, and drink water instead of shots (though really, if you’re drinking before your exams you may want to reevaluate your life choices). It’s as simple as this: you cannot ace your exams on vending machine fare and library futon naps alone.

Take unconventional study breaks

Instead of binging the Office for the billionth time, maybe do something actually fun for a change. Take a long walk through the Commons, visit CAMHS therapy dogs, or channel your Bob Ross with the coloring book your Secret Santa got you from Urban Outfitters. Trust us: you'll feel refreshed and ready for another 1.5x speed lecture video in no time.

Remember personal hygiene

Please shower. Seriously. If you are feeling lazy (and don’t care about your social life) at least spritz on some dry shampoo to look presentable for your section crush.

Get the help you need

You don’t have to fight this battle alone—tap into Harvard’s numerous resources, like office hours or the Bureau of Study Counsel to survive the academic onslaught. You can also form a study group or ask the aforementioned section kid to explain the material to you. Just don’t forget about the Honor Code if you want to still suffer through midterms next semester.

Laminate your notes to ward off tears and food stains and remember this: if Britney could make it through 2007, you can survive midterm season.





The Most Ridiculous HUDS Menu Item Names

We all remember scrolling through the online HUDS menu as wide-eyed pre-frosh and marvelling at the mouthwatering menu items (crumbled bleu cheese anyone?). Lack of parental supervision (hello two plates of sweet potato fries!) and free flowing soft-serve ice cream make Harvard dining halls seem like the last word in fine dining. However, after months—and years—of the same dhall food, we find ourselves eating in the Square often and craving home-cooked meals. To rekindle our interest in their offerings, HUDS seems to have stepped up their game recently by not only refreshing Annenberg’s decor but also the names of their menu items, and the results are...well, interesting. Here are the most hip (read: bizarre) HUDS menu item names:

huds items
Warning: Items in image not as delicious as they appear. Or sound.

Deconstructed Sloppy Joes
To keep up with funky-fresh trends HUDS decided to add some hipster spunk to an already ridiculously named dish. Does our deconstructed Sloppy Joe come with a side of ~minimalist~ tater tots? Sorry HUDS, but if we hungered for mediocre against-the-mainstream food, we’d just go to Clover.

Crimson Vegan Chili
Although we may be biased when it comes to our namesake dish, Crimson chili has a more enticing ring to it than “semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization that used to occasionally publish a so-called humor magazine” chili.

Grilled All Beef Old Neighborhood Hot Dog
What was HUDS trying to relay in this lengthy name for a simple sausage? That they took concision lessons from Dean Khurana?

Harvard Granola and Harvard Fruit Salad
Your resume isn’t the only thing the Harvard name can sweeten up. Apparently, HUDS will even slap the brand on its health foods, perhaps in an effort to make them seem more erudite and appealing.

Vodka Sauce
(WARNING: does NOT contain alcohol) Is HUDS attempting to make dining halls better social spaces by trying to trick us into pregaming in the dhall?

Freekeh Salad
Freekeh is an obscure grain we had to look up, but its obscurity isn’t exactly making us want to get “freekeh” with it. We’ll stick to tried-and-true Grill orders, thank you very much.

Next time, maybe HUDS should leave the naming to their fake twitter account.

The 7 Stages of Blocking

happy group
A smiling blocking group emerges from the 7 Stages more or less okay.

February 27th is quickly approaching, and you’re either looking forward to solidifying your perfect BFF blocking group with the fateful click or panicking a lot. All we know is a lot can go down in the next two weeks. Just think of how things have already changed from last semester to now. You thought that blocking was gonna be a breeze, but have learned your closest peers are unfortunately not past high school drama. As you scrutinize your past and current friendships and look forward to the next three years, you likely have or will experience the Seven Stages of blocking grief:

Freshman Week - Everything is Perfect!
You meet your first handful of friends. Maybe you knew some of them from Visitas or high school. You feel complete with them. You can hang out with them at all hours of the day, without getting permission or a ride from mom, and you finally have the friend group that you’ve dreamt about since senior spring.

Harvard/Yale Weekend - True Friends Hold Back Your Hair
You’re alive, somehow. But not without the help of your friends who kept you from practically dying on more than once occasion. You don’t feel too guilty, as you figure you’ll be tucking those same friends into bed sometime in the next three years. When y’all are roomies! For now, all you do is thank them and keep a mental note of which one brought you glass after glass of wateryou’ll want them as your direct roommate.

Winter Break - Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
You didn’t think that you could miss people this much. You’re five days into break and you’ve Facetimed your core group of friends every single day. Your mom is actually quite confused by your ability to use a phone, given all of the calls you ignored from her first semester. At some point around New Year’s, you have your first real conversation about blocking. You may have even begun a blocking group Snapchat group. You and your friends are so excited to be 2gether 4ever (3 years). Nothing can tear you apart.

First Week of Spring Semester - Second Guessing Your Choices
You’re back on campus and overjoyed to reunite with your besties. But then the first week in, you’re realizing people have changed. Your friends reassure you that it’s all a New Year’s resolution phase. But you didn’t realize their resolutions involved stealing your snacks or leaving a pile of dirty dishes in your common room.

Mid-February - Shit Hits the Fan
People are starting to get serious about blocking. You’ve all received emails from your proctors and the Freshman Dean about housing, and this time you can’t just absentmindedly send them to spam. People who you didn’t think liked (or even knew?) you start asking if you have any room left in your blocking group. You’ve gotten a few carefully-worded texts from your core group asking if “that really nice kid from their entryway” can join. You thought you were gonna have a squad. Now you aren’t even Facebook friends with half of your supposed group.

February 27th - Hoping for the Best
You turned in your application last night with your blocking group. As you all sat around in someone’s common room, filling out the form together, you realized that you legitimately didn’t know the last name of your friend’s friend from section who could be your roommate. But, at this point, you’re just happy that you no longer have to avoid people in the Yard to keep them from harassing you about the size of your blocking group.

Housing Day - A Day to Remember (or if you’re quadded, Drink to Forget)
There’s a 9/12 chance that this will be one of the best days of your college career. You’ve got your house and there’s no turning back now! Well, unless you’re totally miserable and decide to transfer. Otherwise, enjoy the day’s revelry and house pride. You made it through blocking! Now there’s only that teensy detail of figuring out who’s rooming with who…

Good luck and may the blocking and housing odds be ever in your favor.

The Best (and Worst) of HOLLIS Research Guides

We just discovered the weirdest mailing lists at Harvard, and we’ve been digging around for more strange Harvard-related web content. Of course, HOLLIS saved the day—as it so often does with our frantic last-minute paper research. The guides tab on the HOLLIS website reveals a few hundreds of research guides, with some hidden gems. They certainly make us wonder who wrote them—or who even uses them.

Canadian Official Publications

In addition to colder weather and better maple syrup, our northern neighbors get a guide to their official publications. We spent a while wondering what that might entail—dissertations on ice hockey? Studies about why Niagara Falls looks better from Canada? Research papers on why Canadians say sorry like they do? It turns out that Harvard is a depository for... Canadian governmental documents? Bet you didn’t see that one coming. If you ever feel like your American government classes just aren’t cutting it and you just have to know what it’s like to have a Prime Minister (shoutout to hottie Justin Trudeau), Harvard has you covered.

Smell

“What is smell?” Probably that funky thing emanating from the piles of unwashed clothes in your room, but we won’t judge (although your roommates will). For some reason, it has a section called ‘Scents and Sensibility’—okay, that’s actually a brilliant pun. We’ll give them that. But for some reason, it begins with this acid-trip picture…

acid mice
Someone needs to check on these mice.

The Joy of Cooking

Somewhere between Sex Work and Violence Against Women is this friendly, unassuming guide. What are its contents, you ask? Ah, the question on all of our minds. This guide has all the editions of a 1930s cookbook of the same name.

That’s it. That’s all it has. Thanks, we guess?

Gromphadorhina portentosa

What’s this weird-sounding guide about? That’s so interesting, let’s take a little peek at—they’re so big and terrifying send help!

Seriously, HOLLIS? We avoided clicking on the guide titled ‘Cockroaches’ for a reason, but it’s listed again by the scientific name. What kind of sick conman would do something like this? We were getting along so well. In fact, this entire guide is an affront. Cockroaches “are often quite attractive”? We’d like to meet the cockroaches they’re seeing. On second thought, we’d like to never see cockroaches again. Whoever wrote this can let these “symbols of love” know what we think of them. “Mostly harmless”? Yeah, right. Tell us how to kill them instead.

How to Be Better Than You Were Last Semester

By this point, we’re sure you’ve tried to erase that one conversation you had last semester. You know that conversation. The one where you and your roommates talked about how much better next semester would be. How you made promises to lose weight and get organized over break. How you would finally do a voluntary juice cleanse—not one caused by the lack of options in the dhall.

But, alas, here you are. It’s February, and an abnormal sleep schedule isn’t the only thing you gained over break. But don’t worry! This month (even if it’s almost over) is where you really begin. This is the month where you start on your journey to become an Instagram honey in case Harvard falls through. Here are Flyby’s tips on how (to pretend) to be better than you were last semester.

slightly slumped
This will not be you if you take our advice.

Stop complaining about your life (at least publically)

Last semester you would’ve spent all of dinner whining about the food. Not this year. Now, all you let out is a soft sigh and pick at your food. After about ten minutes of this, you can quietly bus your tray and head to Jefe’s like everyone else.

Work out (or at least wear workout clothes)

After you start working out, you’ll realize that your body is the same as it was last year. But what you’ll come to realize is that you’d much rather be seen as someone who works out than to actually go through the pain of physical activity. So stock up on those workout leggings, sweatbands, and an assortment of Nike gear. This is the year of pretending to be fitter than you actually are.

Always consult your planner

We all know that you’ve technically had a planner since seventh grade. But buying a planner at the beginning of the year and using it for a week doesn’t count. This semester, whenever someone wants to grab a meal, go over a p-set, or really anything at all, make sure to check your planner first. And we’re not talking about that little calendar app that’s already on your phone; we mean a physical planner. Like, with a cover that makes you seem like a real-life adult. Like, with pages that you can dramatically flip through. It doesn’t even matter whether or not you actually have real events in your planner. What matters is that people think you do. (You can keep a list of your favorite daily snacks in there for all we care.)

Make new friends

The friends you have are great. They helped you through last semester, and you’re ready to tackle this semester together, blah blah blah. But that’s not the point. Remember how over break you spent an exorbitant amount of time on Instagram, wondering how fifteen-year-olds got triple the amount of likes your post garner? This is where new friends come in. Given the student population, Harvard has a surprisingly high proportion of students who are “casually into photography.” Befriend one of them. Nothing helps you step up your Insta game like a camera good enough to cover about 90% of your many flaws.

Convince your parents you’re a lifestyle blogger

Don’t worry, you’re not alone on this one. We’ve all had to endure a “chat about your finances” over winter break. And while we actually haven’t tried this tip out yet, our tentative plan is convincing our parents that we’re bloggers now. All these positive changes we’re making in life? We just want to take people on this beautiful journey with us. All that money spent at Tatte? We needed the pics for healthy living posts. All those Ubers into Boston at 11pm? To capture the aesthetic of Boston Commons at night. Lifestyle blogging offers all of the answers to all of your parents’ questions. Hopefully, they’ll support your newfound passion. Now, if they ask to see your blog...we can’t help you there.


We hope these tips put you on the path to a better you. And if not, make sure to check out our brand new blog GuysIPromiseIveChangedThisTime.wordpress.com for more fun tips for a great semester and year!

Best of Datamatch: When They Understood Us

Over 4000 students signed up for Datamatch. If you weren't one of them, you should be very ashamed of yourself. Who willfully passes up on free food?

Anyway, the CS nerds (we use that phrase lovingly) behind the screen are pretty funny. What did they ask us this year to determine our compatibility? We checked out the survey and found some gems.

Infinite Jest and Chill

Only at Harvard is “Infinite Jest” the right answer to this question (read: will get you the hottest date). And did you say Great Gatsby, or Great GatSpee? We love those final club prepsters.

Flirty Fashion

To the "all black, everything" folks: we feel ya. We're donning all black today to mourn our nonexistent love lives.

A Family Affair

If you didn’t pick the Obama family, then you have no heart and don’t deserve to find love. And Joe Biden will hate you and never smile for a meme pic again.

Pick Me Up

In the labor thread, here's one for you: How about you and I make like HUDS workers and…strike? Hmm, that one might fall flat.

You Win Some, You Lose Most

If you beat your midterm, your life is too perfect already. Leave the joys of Datamatch to those less fortunate.


All the Songs You Need to Get Through Valentine's Day

Did you just go through a bad breakup? A good breakup? A sad breakup? Are you falling in love (sounds fake…)? Already in love (also fake)? Content being alone and independent? We’ve compiled some of our favorite songs for every possible feeling you might be experiencing this Valentine’s Day.

Bad Breakup

You hate this person. Things didn’t end too smoothly. These songs make you want to smash plates on their head, although we would caution that you keep violent desires to yourself this V-Day.

Fighter // Christina Aguilera

Cut Her Off // K CAMP, 2 Chainz

Smile // Lily Allen

Bye Bye Bye // *NSYNC

Irreplaceable // Beyoncé

Potential Breakup Song // Aly & AJ

Sad Breakup

You still miss them. These songs will make you want to burst into tears, but sometimes you need a good cry to cope.

Do What You Gotta Do // Nina Simone

We Won’t // Jaymes Young & Phoebe Ryan

Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) // Phil Collins

Over You (feat. A Great Big World) // Ingrid Michaelson

Someone Like You // Adele

How // Regina Spektor

Falling in Love (or in Like)

Despite Harvard’s tragic dating pool, you’ve managed to find someone worth your time. You’re excited because you both like each other and are On your way! to becoming ~exclusive~

Heartbeats // José González

Lay All Your Love On Me // ABBA

I Want You // Marian Hill

Bound 2 // Kanye West

Coffee // Miguel

Wet Dreamz // J. Cole

In Love

Gross! You’re mushy and shamelessly affectionate with your significant other, which means you’re probably the couple that other people complain about. We definitely can’t relate.

The Fool // Ryn Weaver

IT’s YoU // ZAYN

Samson // Regina Spektor

My My Love // Joshua Radin

The Heart of Life // John Mayer

Bombastic Love // Britney Spears

On the Prowl

Still looking for a lover this time of the year? No worries, we’ve got you covered—with tips, and with bangin’ tunes.

I Just Wanna F. (feat. Timbaland) // Afrojack, David Guetta

Drop That Kitty (feat. Charli XCX and Tinashe) // Ty Dolla $ign

Get Me Bodied // Beyoncé

Back Up // Dej Loaf, Big Sean

Girlfriend // Avril Lavigne

Boys // Britney Spears

Single and Content

You’re focusing on yourself, your goals, and your own pleasures. At least for the time being, you’re loving your independence.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun // Cyndi Lauper

I Don’t Need A Man // The Pussycat Dolls

Feeling Good // Michael Bublé

Love Myself // Hailee Steinfeld

Come First // Terror Jr

Feeling Myself // Nicki Minaj & Beyoncé

Flyby Matchmaker Volume Two, Part One: Lost in the Art Museums

Welcome to this semester’s first date recap for Flyby Matchmaker. With Valentine’s Day quite literally around the corner (t-minus one hour), here’s to hoping we can spread the love a little bit.

Milan Sani is a freshmen from Port Washington, N.Y. She said she finds funny, intellectual and artsy men attractive, but doesn’t care much for athletes. Gunnar Plunkett, also a freshmen, hails from Murrieta, CA and was “really into” cross-country in high school. He enjoys listening to alternative, indie, blues, and classic rock. Milan and Gunnar recap their Matchmaker date, which took place at the Harvard Art Museums (a really neat location to hang out and maybe find love) below:

Milan: My roommate put the link in our group chat and so we all filled it out together one night… We did it on a whim.

Gunnar: My friend from my FOP group told everyone to do this. And I was like, I might as well. Seemed a little more comprehensive than Datamatch

Milan: I got to [Jenny’s Café at the Harvard Art Museums] and I saw so many different guys just by themselves. So I was writing my roommate group chat, “guys I don’t know what to do.”

Gunnar: I walked up to the museum and I was trying to figure out where the café was and I made eye contact with… I think it was her. But I thought “this isn’t the café so it’s not her.” So I went to the café.

Milan: I saw this guy… and he was kind of roaming around. And I saw him go into the art museum and then walk into the café and I [thought] OK, I think that’s him. And so I walked over to him… and was like “are you here for flyby?” I was the one to approach him.

Gunnar: First impression was that she was cute and that she seemed really friendly.

Milan: He was really warm the whole time and not awkward, so I was just kind of like “hey what’s up?” I think we were both equally like, what’s happening?

Gunnar: We didn’t hug; we just kind of said hi.

Milan: I just got a coffee and he got a cookie and coffee. We just sat down and talked and we both went through our applications… like a “why are we matched?” kind of thing.

Gunnar: There was a question about what you would change about Harvard and I said I would want her answer to be ‘nothing at all’ or something very specific. She said something very specific about the social scene.

Milan: We had very similar music tastes, like same bands. And we both had a floating interest in literature and he kind of likes Shakespeare. I’m super into Shakespeare. We had totally different academic interests.

Gunnar: I thought it was interesting that she was really into art. Also, I thought she had a cool interest in government and women’s studies as well.

Milan: After we talked for a bit… we walked through the art museum. I’d been there before but he’d never been so I took him around…We [looked at] everything on the first floor. He was really interested in it, which was cool…. He had a radio show [though] so he had to head out.

Gunnar: At the end when we were saying goodbye to each other… both of us were like “should we hug each other?” and that lasted like thirty seconds and we didn’t end up hugging. So that was awkward.

Milan: We friended each other on Facebook, so there’s that.

Gunnar: We were messaging on Facebook a little bit yesterday. We’re going to grab coffee.

Datamatch let you down? Just want to compare results? Fill out this form to have a chance to go on a Flyby Matchmaker date!

Dude, That’s Rude: PDA

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner…and by “around the corner,” we mean tomorrow! Don’t panic, you still have a few hours to snag a special someone. But if you’re forever alone like most of us, you know how annoying the lovey-dovey couples can get. If you’re in love, good for you, but you need to know when PDA goes too far:

pda couple
Keep your lap-sitting OUT of the d-hall.

Snuggling in the lecture hall
Just because Sanders Theater has “theater” in the title does not mean that you can treat it like a movie date. So please, remove your arms from around each other, take your head off your beloved’s shoulder, and for the love of Mankiw, quit the back stroking. Especially if you’re sitting near the front. Some of us are here to learn.

Dining hall dates
If you and your significant other don’t want to spend money on food for date night, we support you. But please treat the dining hall like the safe space that it is. That means no lap sitting, no Lady-and-the-Tramp-style spaghetti slurping, no whipped cream play. It’ll make the single ones among us too grossed out to stomach our lonely food.

Hallway make-outs
Maybe you’re into the drama and spontaneity of the pushed-up-against-the-wall thing, but the dorm hallway (and stairwell? You’d be surprised how many times we’ve seen it…) is not the place. You have a room in the building. So when we tell you to “get a room,” there really is no excuse.

Under the seminar table
We see you. We know you thought it was sly when you two were holding hands (and thighs?) under the seminar table. But we all saw. And it was distracting, and plain disrespectful to your single classmates who have a date with their seminar reading tonight.

So Happy Valentine’s Day! Spread the love and avoid these blatant moments of PDA. Otherwise, be prepared for your lonely friends to say: dude, that’s rude.

What Your Late Night CVS Purchase Says About You

With the recent announcement that Target—everyone's favorite mega-convenience store—is swooping into Central Square soon, it's easy to forget that we still have two very functional branches of CVS right here at home. The best part? One of them is open 24/7.

Which CVS you choose to frequent and what you choose to buy, be it munchies or medicine, can indicate a lot about your impulse-control, maturity, and overall life choices. Check out where you fall on our tell-all CVS spectrum:

JFK CVS Vs. Mass Ave CVS

If you are confident and fearless, you’ll choose the big CVS on JFK street, proudly striding through its well lit aisles and waiting patiently in its often long lines. If however, you choose the Mass Ave CVS pharmacy, you harbor far darker motivations. That location, with it’s shabby carpet, dingy walls, and distinctly malevolent odor is only frequented by those students making more covert purchases like cigarettes, condoms, or makeup to cover up a hickey.

What You Buy

With your path and purpose settled, you set your sights on your purchase.

Food

Late-night cravings most often draw you to the glowing red-lit threshold of CVS. You're either really responsible or flat out broke, as most of us are, meaning you're hitting up the CVS aisles for cheaper food than the expensive fare offered by Square eateries. It is also possible that you’re merely drunk and either have forgotten about the fact that places like Felipe's and Nochs exist or are out past 4 a.m. and can no longer hit up El Jefe’s, making CVS your only choice.

Drinks

If you buy drinks, especially caffeinated ones late at night, you are of the Lamonster variety. Up late, cramming for that upcoming ec midterm while furiously consuming caffeine to keep yourself cognizant, you often exhibit signs of delirium such as as dilated pupils and incomprehensible muttering.

Toiletries

If you swing by CVS in the early hours of the morning buying toothbrushes, toothpaste, or other such necessities, you could fall in one of two categories. Overlapping with the inebriated munchie-buyer category, in your drunken stupor you could have easily forgotten that there are better times to buy an extra toothbrush than 3 a.m. on a Sunday morning. However, you could also be pitifully distracted and disorganized, running out to buy toilet paper or soap after discovering that you're out of both.

Medicine

Buying medicine and other normal responsible items late at night means you exhibit a level of maturity unheard of for the usual mess of a college student, who generally neglects their health and well-being. You’re thus either seriously weird or the kill-joy mom of your friend group, who won’t stop nagging the stubborn, careless rest of us. (No, we don’t need a tissue!)

Wherever your CVS run takes you this Friday night, happy shopping!

The Five Strangest Tinder Bachelors in Cambridge

Valentine’s Day is upon us and it seems that even the most obnoxious section kid has someone to snuggle with. If you’re one of the unfortunate singles who didn't follow the advice of Flyby’s cuffing season post, you might be trying to find a bae through...well, Tinder. While Tinder might be a fun way to pass time during a Mankiw Ec10 lecture (sorry not sorry), it’s also a decent way to find a suitable hottie to take out to the Instagram-chic Tatte on February 14th. However, Ivy League cuties aren't the only people you'll stumble upon during your search for love. Sometimes, you'll find yourself swiping on some pretty weird characters -- and no, not just that hot Yalie you accidentally superliked during the Game. Here are the top 5 quirky Tinder bachelors we stumbled upon during our search for hot singles in the area.

5) Lamp, 21 (less than a mile away)

tinder lamp
Let Lamp light up your life

Do you love how the standard Harvard-issued lamp spices up your dorm decor? Do you ever find yourself gently dimming its light to set the mood as you sweat over your pset at 3 a.m. on a Thursday night? Do you ever want to feel even closer to this tall dark beauty that is already so near your bed? All you lamp aficionados are in luck, as a lamp has been spotted on Tinder less than a mile away.

4) Bacon, 18 (4 miles away)

tinder bacon
You make our hearts sizzle, dear Bacon.

You may have spotted this sizzling charmer in the dhall and felt an undeniable chemistry (not the organic kind). However, if the line for breakfast before a 10 a.m. lecture seems too long, you can always hit up this juicy piece of meat on Tinder with a “Hey baby” that it will never reply to.

3) Shrek, 18 (3 miles away)

tinder shrek
Let Shrek make you a believer.

SomeBODY once told me that ogres are not just green monsters and actually have a lot more layers than that guy from the PSK you took home last weekend. A true living legend, Shrek is sure to be an 'ogre' achiever in the swamp and definitely knows how to push your gumdrop buttons (in a good way). This Valentine's Day, let Shrek be your knight in shining armor...and don't deny that you've always wanted to touch his muffin, man.

2) Harambe, 21 (42 miles away)

tinder harambe
Take a shot on Harambe (RIP)

If you spent your fall semester mourning Harambe even more than the 132 dollars you spent on Mankiw’s textbook, you’ll be delighted to find out that this celebrity may actually still be with us and (even better) looking for love. 42 miles is a long way, but love conquers all #CharlieCardsOutForHarambe.

1) The Harvard Turkey, 21 (860 miles away)

tinder turkey
Who says turkey can only be the star of one holiday?

Who deserves the top spot of our list more than the most celebrated member of the Harvard community? Apparently finding love is on the Harvard Turkey’s agenda, along with posing for excited students and striking fear in children, squirrels and puzzled tourists. The 860 mile distance explains the recent disappearance of this beloved icon from our campus. A quick Google search shows that exactly 860 miles separate Boston from Brazil, so if you want a steamy date with an international sensation to escape the New England winter, swipe right!

Celebrate Palentine's Day This Year

Whether you have a special someone or you didn’t get that lucky this cuffing season, Palentine’s Day is a great time for everyone to leave the romance behind and embrace the authentic joy of friendship.

Palentine
Exchanging friendship bracelets is another excellent activity for this V-day!

After all, Valentine’s Day is undoubtedly overrated—if you love someone, you shouldn’t just devote a single day to prove it. So if you were already dreading this coming Valentines’ Day (Read: Single People’s Awareness Day), fear not, because the possibilities for fun on the fourteenth are endless.

Write Palentine’s Day cards to your closest chums.

Palentine’s Day is all about celebrating the people you love and reminding them of all the reasons you admire them. So this Palentine’s Day, write a letter to your closest pals telling them how grateful you are for their presence in your life. Whether it’s through recounting dumb inside jokes from last semester, or sentimental memories from opening days, everyone likes feeling appreciated.

Netflix and Platonic Chill.

Whether you’re going for a traditional Galentine’s Day and choose to throw it down with the girls, or you wanna binge watch your favorite show with the guys, a casual Netflix and Chill accompanied by half-priced Valentine’s Day candy (which can be purchased with Crimson Cash, bless you CVS) is always a success. Rather than having to plan a stuffy, elaborate dinner with your S.O., movie nights are the perfect opportunity to unwind on the common room futon and enjoy the comfort of cuddling in companionable silence.

Wine/Whine Night.

Just because you and your friends aren’t a band of middle-aged moms doesn’t mean you can’t act as such. Sometimes the laid-back ease of movie night is too mundane, and you feel like observing this holiday in a more sophisticated setting. AKA, whining about your sorrows over unlimited wine and cheese. If you’re balling on a budget, Trader Joe’s is the place for you. With selections of wine ranging in price from $3-$9, a poor college student really can’t go wrong. Not to mention, their cheese varieties are superb. From their Vanilla-Blueberry Brie to their Jalapeño and Honey Gouda, Trader Joe’s is sure to make your Palentine’s Day unforgettable.

At the end of the day, you don’t really need extravagant plans to appreciate the company of your best pals. But this Valentine’s Day, don’t let the fact that you are single be a reason to sulk in your solitude and pine for your nonexistent cuddle buddy. Just because you don’t have romantic love in your life right now, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the other kinds of love that are all around you. So go stock up on discounted candy and cheap wine, and get ready to celebrate Palentine’s Day like never before.

Dear Harvard: Quit Playin' with the Weather Updates

fake weather email
The email we should have received.

Dear Harvard Officials and Authors of the Winter Weather Alerts,

Since mid-day yesterday, you have made it your mission to toy with our fragile emotions, issuing a series of mixed-message emails regarding the winter weather and class schedules. In the first email you sent, which rolled in around 4 p.m. yesterday afternoon, you admitted we could be getting up to 14 inches of snow and hit us with the cautious promise to “continue to monitor the development of this weather event.” We smugly smiled, thinking you were coyly playing hard-to-get but that your hyperbolic reference to the storm as a “weather EVENT” belied your true intention: to do us all a solid and cancel class.

At 9:30 p.m., as weather forecasts had not magically reversed, you reinforced the snowfall statistic and mentioned the likely impact of such downpour on morning and afternoon commutes. With such an ominous opener, we had faith. Yet much to our horror, the bolded text of your e-mail announced not a closure of the hallowed lecture halls, but of “the University’s Administrative Offices.” Would we actually have to start that pset we’d been putting off? Dust off that textbook sitting on our desks? Our class cancellation fate was yet to be decided and no, we were in no way reassured by your cryptic yoda-like exhortation to “be guided by [our] School leadership,” whatever the hell that meant.

Why did you keep our hopeful hearts in suspense for twenty-two more minutes only to circulate the Scrooge-like subject line “FAS Open, Classes as Scheduled” at 9:52 p.m.? And no, dropping in a “we understand that travel is expected to be difficult” did not soothe our betrayed souls, nor change the fact that travel is difficult in 14 inches of snow. While you did give faculty the chance to notify their supervisors if they simply couldn’t make it, you did not grant the same “latitude” to the poor Quadded students, or Freshmen that couldn’t snag a pair of Bean Boots this season.

While some of our sensible professors, to their credit, had the great sapience to cancel class and relieve us, some of us weren’t so lucky. We were amused to find the Harvard registrar has a Tumblr, but immediately disappointed if our classes weren’t on the cancelled list (and by his lack of aesthetic).

Our trust has been shattered. As of noon today, with conditions “deteriorating,” you again revised your stance, now encouraging “members of the community who have not yet started their commute to campus to please stay at home.” Okay, just because you asked nicely--and totally not because we planned on skipping class already--we’ll stay in bed.

Sincerely,

Every lazy Harvard College student who hadn’t finished the p-set

So You're Clingy: A Guide To Non-Romantic Obsessions

wolf hug
That feeling when your friend hugs you for a couple seconds too long...

Valentine’s Day is upon is, and that means we’re all thinking about our significant others…and no, not necessarily romantic ones. For all of you who missed out on cuffing season or don't have a bae to fantasize about during the next boring CS lecture, don't forget all those other 'special someones' in your life: roommates, friends, even that 'adorkable' TF. But just because someone is “significant” to you, how do you know those feelings are mutual? And more importantly, when does clingy become too clingy? We've assessed all your non-romantic relationships, and here's what we found.

Friends

Symptoms: You always need to know where they are, in case your life falls apart unexpectedly. You hate it when they talk to other people in the Dhall. Their roommates are asking you to get your stuff out of their common room.

Pros: You never have to eat a meal alone. You never have to be social if you don’t want to be. You have someone to support your stupid ideas and do them with you.

Cons: You probably don’t have any other friends – and you don’t think you need them. You deal with paranoia and friendship jealousy on a daily basis. New friends won’t approach you because they know you’re taken.

Roommates

Symptoms: You make jokes about what they look like without make-up to feel superior to their friends. You have a sign-out whiteboard by the door so you can always know where they are. You feel cheated on when they sleep over with their significant other.

Pros: Your home feels like a home because your roommate is family. You know exactly who to live with next year (and all the years after that). You can share wardrobes.

Cons: You hate knowing that they have friends who live beyond your room. You can’t avoid them if you’re in a fight. Your suitemates can’t stand your late-night giggling.

Professors

Symptoms: You go to office hours every week – and you lie about the location of their office when classmates ask you. You sit in the front row of lecture. They always call on you because you are the only one whose name they know. You have invited them to “Classroom to Table” meals at least once a week.

Pros: You have someone to write future recs. You are probably getting a good grade in the class. You get to spend Harvard’s money on “Classroom to Table” lunch.

Cons: The rest of your class definitely hates you. The prof might also hate you, because they wanted to write a chapter of their new book during office hours. And your TFs might hate you too for being a try hard.

Sections

Symptoms: You only study with people from your section. You hate when kids from other sections show up to your class because your TF is better. You organize events unrelated to class, like Ec10b and chill.

Pros: Group work leads to higher grades – there is a lot of research on this. Your pset friends might become actual friends. You always know who to sit with during lecture.

Cons: You are notoriously exclusive. You never bother to meet your future spouse who sits behind you in lecture. You will face the inevitable break-up of the group at the end of the semester.

Listen Up: On Best Dates and Embarrassing Stories

Hello, Harvard. Did you miss us? It’s the too-cool-for-school duo Betty and Hyemi, providing Harvard’s student body with the all the advice you so *desperately* need from us. Sorry for the huge delay. For those of you who’ve submitted questions to us, thank you! And for the rest of you shedding tears onto your keyboard right now because you didn’t have the chance to do so, not to worry! You can anonymously submit them right here. We’ll be here every two weeks to and we’re a biweekly column so we’ll be back.

Betty and Hyemi Return
We're back. And with better wine this time.

Favorite bad story about yourself?

Betty: True Life: I had an emergency wisdom tooth extraction in South Africa this summer. So here’s the story in all of its gruesome detail: I was in South Africa for two months this summer and, a couple of weeks into the summer abroad program, I went on a little weekend getaway wine tour with two friends (let’s call them Amanda and Sophia for the purposes of this story). We get absolutely “obligerated” (obliterated + belligerent, seek urban dictionary for reference). I’m talking some sort of wine drunk I never knew existed. I did not sleep that night. Not only did I still have the worst hangover of my young life, but our cabin was refrigerator temperature and the left side of my mouth was in more pain than I knew existed. Fast forward three days. A random dentist I found on the interweb examines my infected tooth/gum area. “Your pain will only get worse if you don’t get this wisdom tooth removed as soon as possible.” Next thing I know, my mouth is very minimally numbed up and this dude is tearing at my gums with something all-too-resemblant of an x-acto blade. His assistant holds my hand and whispers in my ear words of a language I don’t entirely understand. Tears stream down my cheeks uncontrollably for two hours, until my tooth is finally extracted. I walk back to my guest house, still alive to tell the tale.

Hyemi: One year during Harvard-Yale weekend, I locked myself out of my room after taking a shower so I had to walk to the security desk of Dunster from my fourth floor room in my electric blue towel and my fuzzy bunny slippers. Luckily, a lot of people had already left for Yale so the house was relatively empty, but that also meant all of my roommates were gone too. The security guard on-duty asked for my name and said this was the funniest sight he had ever seen. This event really made me reconsider my relationship with my bunny slippers.

Why does Harvard dating suck?

Hyemi: Agreed! The only time I ever go on dates are when I email my Datamatches to go on a “Zinnekens date” with me to write about it for Flyby (very pitiable, I know). In my ~expert opinion~ I wonder if it’s simply because we don’t want to take risks and place ourselves in a position of emotional vulnerability, but brush it off as “not wanting a relationship” or “being too busy for one.” So maybe we all owe it to ourselves and to those we like to be more honest about our feelings! I’m not excluding myself from this either. Sometimes, I don’t want to say hi to the cute guy in lecture even though it’s literally just a normal human greeting because I’m scared that the way I say “hi” or how I wave my hand will somehow reveal my crush on him and then I’ll be too embarrassed to ever come to lecture again and then I’ll fall behind in the class because of poor attendance and then I’ll fail said class.

Betty: Why is the Pope Catholic? Why was Harambe shot? There are some questions even I, with all of my wisdom, cannot answer.

Cool date ideas?

Hyemi: I personally think a cool date would involve art and beer! It would be fun to go on a late afternoon date to a museum and stay until closing time (which is often around 5 or 6 p.m. on weekdays and that’s ideal because you don’t awkwardly have to wonder when it’s socially appropriate to say you’ve seen enough), and then go for beer afterwards so you can chat and get to know each other in a more casual setting instead of feeling nervous about something long and formal like dinner.

P.S. This set-up is also perfect if you’re like me and tell your friends (or the entire campus) about every little detail in your life because then you can save dinner for late-night take-out with your roommates and debrief for DAYS about your date in the comfort of your PJs and pad thai.

Betty: Take me on a date to a Pats game and 9/10 I would marry you. For real though, I’ve spent quite a lot of time not going on dates (re: last Listen Up!) and therefore a lot of time imagining the coolest dates I could/should be going on. Sky Zone is a top-contender. What’s better than jumping around in matching orange socks? On second thought, I’d probably have like three asthma attacks after jumping for 10 minutes, and I can only imagine how devastating I’d look in all of my breathless, sweaty glory. So for now, I’ll probably stick to food and a movie (or Pats game) as the go-to date ideas. What’s better than some McDonald’s and ‘Flix?

What’s your favorite cocktail?

Hyemi: Quite honestly, I’m not an expert with alcohol so I always go for anything on the menu that has ~elderflower liqueur~ in it because doesn’t it just sound nice and fancy?

Betty: I’m not much of a cocktail kinda gal– I prefer the finer things, read: Spiked Seltzers. Must I choose a cocktail, however, I’d probably go with sex on the beach, mostly because I don’t not think it’s the funniest thing ever to ask my waiters for sex on the beach.

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