Issues And Answers

More B.S.

A recent survey conducted by The Harvard Crimson found that most college students feel that the major presidential candidates are not addressing the most important issues of the day. As a public service, therefore, I have compiled a list of 15 questions and their corresponding answers that observers can use as a guide to voting in the 1980 election.

1. Whatever happened to Joe Pepitone? When a heckler shouted this at President Carter during a rally outside Chicago's Wrigley Field, media expert Jerry Rafshoon ended Carter's speech and rushed him away by taxi. The truth is that Pepitone, a Commoner supporter, lives in San Francisco's Haight-Asbury section as a hairdresser for retired secret service agents.

2. Will the New Jersey Nets win the National Association title? Without the endorsement of Senator Bill Bradley, it appears unlikely. With Bradley's endorsement and that of Rep. Morris Udall (D-Ariz.) a championship is a distinct possibility.

3. Did George Brett really have hemorrhoids? Yes. And don't laugh, or you'll get them, too.

4. Who is Red Sox owner Haywood Sullivan in real life? Some experts in handwriting analysis claim that Sullivan is actually deposed New York Mets general manager M. Donald Grant. Actually, however, he is probably "Shylock" from "Merchant of Venice."

5. What was the name of the walrus in Tennessee Tuxedo? Chumley. I asked Mister Whoopee.

6. Who will win the World Series? The Phillies. By carrying Florida and several border states they should easily obtain the 270 electoral votes needed for election.

7. Where does U.L. Washington stand on foreign policy? Same place he does for everything else--in between second and third.

8. Is Muhammad Ali really going to fight John Anderson? Since Anderson has refused to fight unless Marvin Hagler is present as third man, the League of Women Boxers may substitute Tai (one-two) Babilonia or Nancy Reagan.

9. Is Pete Rose's middle name really Charlie Hustle? No, it is Edward.

10. Is Tom Watson the best golfer ever? He may be the best PGA golfer ever, but one time this summer I was playing Putt-Putt miniature golf in New Mexico and was sinking everything. Man, it was great!

11. Who are Clif and Claf? Clif is Jimmy Cliff, reggae star and author and performer of the hit song, "The Harder They Come." Claf is former Red Sox manager Eddie Kasko.

12. Which presidential candidate came closest to playing a professional sport? Jimmy "The Engineer" Carter played quarterback on his intramural football team at Annapolis, but showed little poise in the clutch. Ronald "Run and Gun" Reagan's set shot swished through many a net during his childhood in lowa, but lack of vision prevented anything more. John Anderson's athletic career ended early, when he refused to participate in games involving only two teams.

13. Who sang "Build Me Up, Buttercup?" No, not the Fortunes, but the Foundations. While we're at it, "Incense and Peppermints" was Strawberry Alarm Clock, "Little Red Riding Hood" was Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs, and "Judy in Disguise" was John Fred and the Playboy Band. Anderson scores heavily on this question.

14. Why bother watching the NHL regular season when almost every team makes the playoffs? Why bother voting?

15. Are the candidates related to any former athletes? Yes. Ronald Reagan is a distant cousin of former Cubs and Dodgers Pitcher Phil Regan. Jimmy Carter is the step-brother of boxer Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, and John Anderson's twin brother Sparky manages the Detroit Tigers.