The Perfect Sox Surprise Scenario

The Crimson has been provided with some privileged information about the upcoming Red Sox season.

April 4, Opening Day, Baltimore. The Sox open the season under the cloud of the second installment of Margo Adams's kiss-and-tell expose in Penthouse magazine. Adams is reaping huge profits from the expose and a new book, titled A Cesspool of Sleaze and Sox.

She quietly turns her assets over to the Wall Street take-over firm Kohlberg, Kravis & Roberts (KKR). The elite company begins a hostile takeover of the Sox, attempting to wrest control of the team from Jean Yawkey and Haywood Sullivan. Adams is joined in her efforts by Donald Trump and Bob Guccione.

The Sox lose to the lowly Orioles, 11-3 behind ace Roger ("laughing all the way to the bank") Clemens.

May 13, Seattle. The Sox are in the throes of an eight game slide. Disgusted with the team's fortunes, Adams prepares to move in.

The Sox lose again, 6-1.

June 23, at home vs. Minnesota. Before the game against the Twins, the American League all-star team is named. Oil Can Boyd (6-6, 3.98) is not included. He is enraged and unloads a barrage of fast balls at the new luxury boxes in Fenway Park. He tears a rotator cuff and inadvertantly kills Joe ("I never played for Cincinnati") Morgan when the loveable Sox manager, trying to calm down his excitable player, gets in the way of a pitch.

Under the temporary guidance of Sox Coach Rac Slider, the Sox fall to the A's, 5-0. In a hastily called news conference after the game, Adams announces that her take-over attempt has succeeded.

She cleans out the Sox's front office--installing Guccione as general manager and Trump as director of operations.

Adams removes Boggs from his starting position at third base. She refuses his request to be released from his contract and instead tells him to operate Fenway's Green Monster scoreboard.

The Sox are 20-46 and dead last in the A.L. East.

July 4, at home vs. Milwaukee. A strange breeze is blowing in Boston. On a high since Boggs' ignominious departure, the Sox roll out a 10-game winning streak. Bleacher bums begin to whisper about Margo's Magic.

Before the game, Oil Can watches an episode of the Geraldo Rivera Show featuring people mentally obsessed with sweetened breakfast cereal. He boldly proclaims, "I was a Cap'n Crunch addict." He repents of his past transgressions and goes on to pitch the game of his life.

The Sox, behind Boyd, whip the Brewers, 7-0.

August 9, Kansas City. The Sox continue to pistol whip the American League opposition and catapult to second place in the East. Boggs has been missing for 10 days. He was last seen in The Can's hotel room photographing him with a blow-up Cap'n Crunch.

The Sox cream the Royals, 12-1.

September 18, Toronto. The Sox clinch the American League East. Rumors are flying of an upcoming Boggs' expose in Playgirl. The mustachioed Floridian has turned up as an evangelist on television, touting the salubrious benefits of chicken and the pernicious effects of extramarital affairs. He has also been a regular guest on Geraldo and is reported to be wading shoulder-deep in money.

October 14. On the eve of the World Series against the San Diego Padres and former Sox ace Bruce Hurst, the November Playgirl is released. No one--all the way down to Fenway organist John Kiely--is spared Boggs' wrath.

October 19. The Sox sweep the Padres and snag their first World Championship since 1918.

After the game, Adams and Boggs congratulate themselves on the success of their plan, close out their joint account at BayBanks and are seen boarding a PanAm Flight to LaPaz. They are never heard from again.