Wouldn't It Be Cool...

Harvard sports are getting boring.

That wasn't meant to be a cut on the fine Crimson athletic teams. I'm just getting tired of the same old stuff.

In short, I want something new.

But since Harvard sports haven't changed since John Harvard himself put on soccer cleats, I'm going to have to settle for something different.

A trip of imagination.

I will take you into the future, of what might happen but probably will not.

Trust me, it'll be fun.

Now, close your eyes. You see a television screen, and two basketball teams are playing. You can only hear one voice, soft at first, but getting louder and louder. It is...Dick Vitale?

"Get a TO, Rick Pitiiiiinnnoooo!!!! Get a TeeeOhhhhh!!!!! Your Wildcats are in deep trouble with a capital T!!!!!"

Suddenly, as the instant replay starts, you realize that one of the teams is wearing crimson uniforms that look awfully familiar...

"That play was magical, babyyyyyy!!! Darren Rankin, a windexman on the glass, pulled down the rebound around three Wildcats. And lookit here!! James White, open downcourt for a three!!! JW came out of Kentucky, and now he says, 'Hey, I can play with youuuu!!! I can play with yoooooouuuuuuu!!!!!" Crimson sky at night, Harvard's delight bbbbaaaaaabbbbbyyyyy!!!!!!! Hello, sweet sixteeeeeeennnnn!!!!!'"

That was fun, wasn't it? Let's try it again Totally cleanse your mind of all thought. Concentrate only on the small television you see in front of you, turned to ESPN, with Chris Berman announcing...

"Welcome back to the Suncoast Dome in Saint Petersburg, Florida, for the 1995 Women's Lacrosse World Championships.

"We have exactly two minutes left to play with the Harvard Crimson leading Tampa, 5-4, in a hard-fought game between the two wildcards of the league.

"Harvard, the only university playing here, which professionalized its teams in March, is leading a squad made up entirely of striking major league baseball teams, which is the only way this town will see them.

"Yes, the Really Silver Bullets smoked through the first two rounds of the tournament before hitting a Harvard wall, as the Crimson looks to close out the game.

"And with one minute left Mo 'Town' Vaughn, looking great in a kilt, is stuck in his own territory, and he passes to his baseball teammate Roger 'That' Clemens.

"Clemens is fronted by Megan Colligan 'Implants', but he throws a loooonnnngg pass backbackback to Barry 'US' Bonds downfield.

"Bonds looks for room to maneuver, but Daphne 'Lewis & Clark has him covered. Jose Can-seco 'de Mayo' runs in too, but the clock is running down to 15 seconds and things are looking bad for the Really Silver Bullets as Bonds tries to pass to Canseco, and Oh my God Canseco doesn't see it...

The ball, of course, hits Canseco on the head. Which changes its trajectory. Towards the lower opposite corner of the goal. Very quickly.

Kate Schutt, the Harvard goal-tender, reacts instantly, as she must since Canseco was so close to the box. Her stick rips through the air, with the oversized pouch crashing down towards the ball's destination.

Stick, ball, and astroturf meet instantaneously. Pieces of green plastic are ripped up, and from the current camera angle, it's impossible to tell what happened.

Now open your eyes. Wouldn't that be cool if it really happened?