The “Africa Be Damned Award” is presented to the student who proves to us that the only limit to the amount of food you waste is the size of your tray. This guy can never quite seem to figure out what he wants to eat while in line, so he loads his tray with an absurd amount and variety of food figuring that he will likely want to eat some of it by the time he sits down. What a great strategy! Although he ends up throwing away 90 percent of his food, at least he has the foresight to put himself in a position where has the option to eat it should he have any unexpected cravings. If you want to find him to congratulate him on his award, just look for the guy who takes five blueberry muffins and only eats the tops off of them.
I truly envy the recipient of the “HUDSIE Iron Chef Award.” You have showed us that with a little creative work with dining hall food you can whip up whatever your heart desires. Where did you get that amazing grilled chicken Caesar salad? I’m pretty sure I didn’t see that dish being served. While I struggle to find the appropriate peanut butter to jelly ratio, you are creating a masterful tuna melt sandwich. One time I even saw you walk up to the microwave with a cheeseburger, two baby carrots, and a handful of Toastie Os cereal and somehow pull out what looked to be a medium rare filet mignon 45 seconds later. I’m jealous that you’re even allowed to use the microwave, a device that my parents have banned me from operating ever since the firemen had to visit my house in 9th grade.
You think a 56 game hitting streak is impressive? Well the “Joe DiMaggio Award for Culinary Consistency” is awarded to the student who has eaten the exact same food for 74 straight meals. That peanut butter and banana sandwich he makes must be pretty damn good considering his shocking devotion to it. I have to assume that he has some medical condition that requires him to eat a peanut butter and banana sandwich every day, because I honestly cannot think of another scenario where you would actually choose to eat one of those over the dining hall’s semi-divine chicken parmesan cutlets. Forget the other food groups—this guy’s diet has slightly less variety than my sister’s pet hamster. You have got to give him credit, though. He knows exactly what he wants out of life, unlike many students here, who have as much trouble figuring out what they want for dinner as they do figuring out what concentration to choose.
To be honest, I have a strong distaste (pun intended) for the recipient of the “HUDSIE Sour Face of Judgment Award.” This young lady has serious issues with how I conduct business in the dining hall. I understand that she has made the personal decision not to eat meat, but is the sour face she makes while she watches me load steaks onto my plate really necessary? Why can’t she just let me eat delicious animals with a clear conscious? Now even when I’m picking out silverware I can see her out of the corner of my eye shaking her head in disapproval of my fork selection. I’m convinced this is the same person who told on me for committing the atrocious crime of using the knife assigned for the margarine container in the butter container. I don’t make faces and judge her when she eats her sweet and sour tofu, barbecue tofu, tofu casserole, and tofu stroganoff. Stereotyping people based off the food that they eat is just immature, ignorant, and unfair, and I simply will not stand for it.
The final HUDSIE is the “Charles Schultz Award for Artistic Humor.” This award goes to the artist who made a few “improvements” to my columnist mug shot in one of the copies of the Crimson left on the table at breakfast last week. Personally I think I look kind of handsome with a mustache and devil horns, but that arrow you drew going through my head looks fairly uncomfortable. Also, clever work modifying my column title to “Are You SeriousLY THIS UNFUNNY.” I don’t know who you are, but I know exactly where to find someone as mean and immature as you: waiting in line for tofu at the dining hall.
Eric A. Kester ’08 is an anthropology concentrator in Winthrop House. His column appears on alternate Mondays.