Dear Professor Whom I Cannot Name Due to Fear of the Ad-Board,
Hi. You may not know me because I did not go to office hours and am in the bottom twentieth percentile of your class. I just want you to know that I am sincerely disappointed that I have not yet received my final course grade. I diligently crammed my Q in at 11:57 p.m. on the 20th of December, and I fully expected you to keep up your end of the deal and give me my grade before 2018.
My parents (and I) question my legitimacy as a Harvard student as is. Do you really expect them to believe me when I tell them that my grade has not been posted yet? They are going to immediately assume that I tanked my GPA and am just scared to tell them. Yes, I understand that this is a fair assessment and will likely be the outcome I face after you actually give me my grade, but I would really appreciate you not tarnishing my character in the eyes of my parents.
If I can learn a millennium of ancient philosophy in six hours while wired on Red Bull and cold Fogbuster, you can give me a C over the span of two weeks. I am sorry if I sound needy now. It’s just that I am needy. There is a void in my heart and my transcript, and it is all your fault.
Three Crying Emojis,