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McCall in a Day's Work

B.S. on Sports

By Bill Scheft

Boy, am I some kinda disillusioned! This new regime that is running the athletic facilities nowadays has made it about as intense to get exercise around here as to get into Fine Arts 13. What if the academic part of the University follows suit?

News Item #1: Today Dean Jones of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences announced that the entire undergraduate body would have to pay $4 per person per hour in class so that "Those kids don't get the idea that they're getting something for nothing." When reminded that undergrads pay close to Reggie Jackson's salary for tuition. the dean replied, "Well shucks, every school has a tuition, we just want to stress the fact that Harvard is different from all those other cut-rate institutions."

News Item #2: Head University librarian Dewey Decimal announced yesterday that as of tomorrow all University and House libraries will be closed during the week with the exception of Conference Room C of the Cabot Science Library.

In a heated press conference yesterday in the Cabot conference room. Decimal clarified his position by stating, "We intend to open the libraries at the beginning of reading period, but frankly, it's a waste of time now. Nobody studies around here; Lamont's like a goddamn singles bar on the third floor and security guards are scared to have to lock up Widener after it gets dark."

When asked why he intended to leave the one conference room of Cabot open, Decimal smiled and replied, "Hey, we're out for the students' sake too. We plan to keep the video-tape television in here so the students won't miss any of their favorite shows. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch 'All My Children."

News Item #3: The Department of Buildings and Grounds released a memorandum yesterday that proclaimed that as of 8 a.m. Friday there will be no toilet paper in any of the bathrooms in University buildings.

"It's only a temporary thing," a spokesman for Buildings and Grounds said, adding that "we should get another shipment in by Christmas. Until then we'll all just have to sit tight."

In the meantime, undergraduate subscriptions to the Boston Globe and The Harvard Crimson have risen 75 per cent. while subscriptions to the Sunday New York Times have skyrocketed 364 per cent.

All news items aside, though, the thing that really irks me is the new monitoring system in the IAB. It's one thing to request that people bring bursar's cards when they come to that modern-day museum for intercollegiate athletics, but why make someone trudge all the way back to Mather House for a piece of plastic that any townie could come across?

This new strictness with bursar's cards is a major league pain in the keister (especially when your sweatpants have no pockets) and could be easily alleviated by having a student directory at the monitor's cage. Since the monitors aren't doing anything constructive with their time now since the Harvard White Towel Embargo, they could use the same procedure as the libraries use when someone forgets his or her card.

And speaking of linen, Kevin McCall, director of facilities for the Department of Athletics, says that the Department will resume free towel service in the IAB as soon as possible. Why did he discontinue the service in the first place? So he could put Jack Reardon's monogram on each one?

As for closing the IAB on weekends--don't forget there are people around here who don't go to the football games on Saturday or don't study all Sunday. Should their daily dedication and workouts at the IAB be thwarted for no apparent reason except to give them a chance to see the Radcliffe Gym?

It's ironic. With all these sudden moves the Athletic Department seems to be trying to force the student body to realize what a privilege it is to use what George Plimpton once called "the worst collegiate athletic facilities in the nation.

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