Music Worth Unwrapping

Wouldn't it be nice if there really were a fat guy with a white Lou Albano beard and a red suit who would see to the fact that you got the exact records you wanted for Christmas? Instead, we have a bunch of well-intentioned parents, siblings and spouses (present or future) who are responsible for the six copies of Styx's live album that are festering on the bottom of your album collection.

To obviate the problem of the unwanted and embarassing gift album, you need only to express definite and immutable musical preferences before your loved ones go out to squander their money on something that will make you the laughingstock of your school, church or place of employment. You should be firm: inform your particular nuclear unit that you will douse the tree with water, short-circuit the lights and burn down the living room if you do not get what you want. It's best to ask for a lot of records because the stores sometimes run out, leaving you again at the mercy of the buyer.

In case you can't come up with a long list of discs, have a glance below at my picks for the 10 best aural gifts of 1985. The social life you save may be your own.

1

Red Sails In The Sunset (Columbia Records) by Midnight Oil: Midnight Oil plays. Australian political power pop virtually neglected by American radio. Hence, few will understand references to Down Under phenoms like "Jimmy Sharman's Boxers" and "Kosciusko." It doesn't matter, though. Doubling as a lawyer, lead singer Peter Garret shouts and screams about the problems of Australian land settlement and aboriginal rights to a beat so fierce it could have John Lydon running for cover. I'm no big fan of Australian music, but this album made me want to forsake Budweiser for Fosters.

2

Across A Crowded Room (Polydor) by Richard Thompson: Bring a little doom and gloom into your holiday season. One of the love songs here, "Love In a Faithless Country," deals with a mass murderer and his wife roaming across Britain: the surprising thing is that the song (and the rest of the album) is quite beautiful. Thompson is also the best guitarist in the world--though his low-key style doesn't brag about that distinction. Perfect for post-holiday hangover listening.

3

New Day Rising (SST Records) by Husker Du: Lead guitarist and singer Bob Mould may not have the talent of Thompson, but he uses his guts more than his fingertips anyway. Mould's guitar sounds like either a DC10 or Mount Vesuvius with heartburn, but he manages to sneak some very catchy melodies within the din. Despite the damage it does to your eardrums, "Celebrated Summer" is a wonderful pop song. These Minneapolis fat boys may share a lot in common with a rabid steamroller but there's something of Mary Tyler Moore there too.

4

Life's a Riot With Spy Versus Spy Etc. (Go-Disk Records) by Billy Bragg: Billy Bragg takes a bit of getting used to. He plays an unaccompanied electric guitar and sings as if he has a pound of cotton jammed in each nostril. After the ear has become accustomed, though, this collection of previously released material, a plethora of political and personal tales of woe, really hits home. "A New England" achieves both the humor and sadness of early Dylan. After all, if the world could grow to love a nasally hick from Hibbing, Minnesota, then why not a congested Cockney from an English mining town?

5

Fables of the Reconstruction, Reconstruction of the Fables (IRS) by REM: Is there anyone currently enrolled in college who has yet to buy an REM record? Unfortunately, my sources say yes. This outing finds Michael Stipe and Co. taking a bit of turn towards dissonance, but weird chords shouldn't scare anyone away. Songs like "Driver 8" and "Life and How to Live It" find these Georgians in familiar territory, mixing the Velvet Underground and the Byrds to great effect. As an added bonus, you can even hear some of Stipe's lyrics.

6

Tim (Sire) by the Replacements: This is the first major-label outing for the group that holds the world record for playing the most consecutive concerts without stopping to sober up. It sounds like the boys laid off the hard stuff when they made this disc, and their new-found and short-lived temperance allows them to write excellent songs which use Paul Westerberg's off-key voice to its fullest potential. But the Replacements still know how to have fun: as of recent live gigs, guitarist Bob Stinson has been playing encores nude. Help support these guys' habit.

7

Little Creatures (Sire) by Talking Heads: Okay, so this is probably the worst Heads album ever, meaning naturally that it is a big hit on Top 40 radio. This disc is still worth having, though, if only for the songs you don't hear on Kasey Kasem. "Television Man" and "The Lady Don't Mind" find David Byrne funking better than ever--and certainly better than Prince. And if you imagine that the creatures of the title are from outer space, this piece of vinyl is actually a lot of fun.

8

Racer-X (Homestead Records) by Big Black: Guitarist and vocalist Steve Albini grew up in Middle America and now he's out to revenge himself on that particular bit of real estate. Big Black is the most violent, yet also the most listenable group of Homestead's recent post-punk crop. Both the songs--especially "The Ugly American"--and the liner notes show a sense of humor long gone from most rock and roll. This EP certainly beats Bing Crosby fists down: a must for anyone who burns Norman Rockwell paintings in his spare time.

9

Afterburner (Warner Brothers) by ZZ Top: ZZ Top has actually managed to make a fun danceable record out of the lumbering mess of the Southern metal, triple guitar/dual drum threat, hard boogie, whisky and chaw genre. The addition of synth drums and poppin' bass help carry the weight of ZZ's infantile subject matter, making it fun instead of sexist. "Velcro Fly" and "Planet of Women" are keg party anthems, inspiring the attitude: "Don't worry, I'll clean up tommorrow." Basically, Afterburner is the party platter the Rolling Stones have been trying to make for the past eight years.

10

I Don't Want To Grow Up (New Alliance) by Descendants: With a song called "No Fat Beaver," it's obvious where this group's sympathies lie. Milo Auckerman is 10 times snottier than lead Violent Femme Gordon Gano on his worst day. Auckerman elicits the sort of admiration I felt for the kid who sat behind me in fourth grade, a sedate youth who poured urine all over the teacher's desk. This record has just a smidgeon of discipline which makes it cohesive. After all, snottiness is what rock and roll is all about.

Now along with all the good things that happen during the Christmas season, the Yuletime is also a period for somber reflection about just how shitty the preceeding 11 months have been. Invariably, lumps of coal appear in every stocking. In case you've forgotten them, I have compiled a small list of 1985's biggest lumps.

1: The fact that Simon Le Bon of Duran squared knows how to swim.

2: The fact that there were no new albums from the Cramps or Peter Gabriel.

3: The fact that someone decided to let the barely literate Michael Jackson write the words for the well-intentioned "We Are The World" single.

4: The fact that Sade did not wear blue jeans in all her videos.

5: The fact that X decided to break up, reform as the Scorpions and put out Ain't Love Grand.

6: The fact that Bryan Adams never heard of Oxy 10 as a teen-ager.

7: The fact that a bunch of prudish housewives got all bent out of shape about the alleged content of rock lyrics, and consequently, the fact that a W.A.S.P. album got more attention and airplay than it otherwise would have.

8: The fact that all the songs on Bob Dylan's Empire Burlesque did not sound like "Dark Eyes."

9: The fact that Simple Minds lead singer got a voice transplant with Billy Idol.

10: The fact that Spin magazine guru Bob Guccionne Jr. did not return my calls nor offer me that $50,000 per year position we talked about.