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Risky Business

By Beth L. Pinsker

Forget trickle-down economics. The biggest disaster of 12 years of Republican rule was that there were no kids in the White House--"Gampy" had a million grandchildren running around, but after he called some of them "the little brown ones," he lost his family status.

Not since Amy Carter has America been able to watch a youngster grow up in the White House. And wasn't she fun to watch. Protesting. Getting arrested. Getting kicked out of Brown. It must have been great to be a Secret Service agent assigned to her.

Chelsea Clinton doesn't look all that comfortable in the media spotlight. She probably won't be accompanying her dad on any fully-taped jogs around Washington. Hell, I wouldn't even go to pick up pizza when I was 12 and had braces and frizzy hair.

Living in the White House, however, is like being royalty or living in an enchanted palace--at least in the common person's imagination. A full-time staff, constant attention and glamorous visitors must provide hours of entertainment.

I have some suggestions for Chelsea for enjoying her stay (and I hope it will be a long one) in the White House.

. Ask Michael Jackson to set up an exotic animal petting zoo in the White House basement.

. Make dad hang ornaments made in junior high woodshop class on the White House Christmas tree.

. Join the field hockey team and watch the Secret Service agents rush the field on fouls.

. Make a Secret Service agent take your driving test for you.

. Answer White House switchboard when Bono from U2 calls from on stage during a ZooTV concert. Invite the entire audience over for coffee.

. Run for class president in new school on a platform of "change."

. Requisition the presidential helicopter and fly all your new classmates to Camp David for the junior prom.

. Have a pillow fight with the Gore kids on Lincoln's bed.

. Don't settle for a treehouse in the White House Garden like Amy Carter had that you have to disassemble when the big guy gets voted out of office--make Dad buy you an apartment in Paris.

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