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Get a Job

By Beth L. Pinsker

They certainly knew how to party in the Land of Oz. Last night proved pretty raucus for the United States as well. It is almost a cliche these days to talk about change, but one big change coming in January is an increase in unemployment--Republican unemployment, that is.

There are going to be a lot of politicians out of work, and there may not be enough think tanks for all of them. This is more of a tragedy than it may seem at first. You see, Republicans didn't get elected again partly because they didn't understand what it's like to be out of work--from a real job. So I have some suggestions to keep our top Republicans busy in the coming four years.

George Bush--Bush should retire to a ranch in Grenada with Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher and Mikhail S. Gorbachev. They can watch tapes of that invasion, the Gulf War, the Falklands, Afghanistan and, of course, nightly reprisals of "Bedtime for Bonzo."

Barbara Bush--She should switch parties and run for president in 1996--with Hillary R. Clinton as her running mate.

Dan Quayle--Between now and 1994 (when Quayle thinks he's running for president), he should be the golf pro on the tour cruising around the Great Lakes (except no one should warn him that the poop deck isn't big enough for a full 18 holes).

James A. Baker III--He can easily fill Henry Kissinger's spot doing the weather on "CBS This Morning."

Richard B. Cheney--There aren't many openings for war people in the New World Order. In the defense-to-civilian-industry overhaul, maybe they can train him to be a security guard at Prudential.

Lawrence S. Eagleburger--The man with the highest IQ in the State Department should become a freelance "Jeopardy" coach with a specialty in European history.

Richard B. Darman--After a term as Bush's crackerjack economics adviser, Darman should use his expertise on other desperate tasks. He's probably qualified to count the number of hamburgers served at McDonald's.

Jack F. Kemp--The temporarily deposed head of Housing and Urban Development will certainly be itching to run for another House seat. How about Newt Gingrich's?

Mary Matalin--New guest host for American Gladiators?

Millie, the (former) White House dog--Since she has probably had enough of the soft stuff, her agent should market a scathing kiss-and-tell book about the real George and Barbara, with the requisite tours of Oprah and "Larry King Live." Possible sequel: Millie, the Runaway Dog or Millie, Dog on the Streets.

Jeb and Neil Bush--Without dad's position of power, they might have trouble, or trouble getting out of trouble. They should give up and invest in a medical practice for William Kennedy Smith.

And finally, a suggestion for H. Ross Perot--He should go back to work and make another $3 billion, then run for president, then quit, then run, then lose, then make more money, then run, then quit, etc., etc. And if that doesn't work, he should start a collection agency for all of "those plans just lying around Washington."

Beth L. Pinsker '93, editorial chair of The Crimson, is having a hard time hiding her jubilation.

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