GOSSIP GUY SPECIAL
...It’s been a good run for Ben Mathis-Lilley ’03 and Ben Wasserstein ’03 as co-authors of Gossip Guy, but graduation approaches. Having spent two years producing over 20,000 words—500 a week—in relative anonymity, the Guys present some of their favorite bits of ego-stroking lies, hubristic rumors and attention-demanding innuendo...
...Raymond Y. Rodham ’03 drunk-mailed longtime crush Alicia P. Bowden ’03 last Saturday night shortly after urinating in front of horrified bystanders in the Quincy elevator. “Ar yo seeing anyone ritnoew? I am sooooodru nk your hot,” Rodham commented in both the fifth and sixth Bowden-directed e-mails of the night...
...It seems Corker Q. Picker ’02 is so arrogant that even the rod up his ass has developed an ego. “I’m longer, wider and sturdier than other rods!” it boasted from deep within Picker’s anal cavity...
...Tabitha G. Filney ’02 was crushed when her boyfriend, Aaron S. Chang ’01, didn’t take her out to dinner for Valentine’s Day, send her a card on Valentine’s Day or not make her roommate his “real Valentine.” “Hey, we went out to a very nice dinner on Friday,” Filney said, trying to convince herself that he cares...
...Aspiring writer Felix P. Johnson ’03 is comping the Lampoon for a sixth time. “It’s going to be so awesome when I’m partying with comedy legends Conan O’ Brien, John Updike and Steven Hely,” Felix shouted hopefully. Good thing his essay, “The Food at Annenberg Tasted Bad When I Ate It” should be the funniest thing the Lampoon has published in years...
...Matt E. Johnson ’02, continually frustrated by his girlfriend’s moral opposition to gettin’ it on, broke up with her. The next week, he woke up to find her languishing in his roommate’s bed after a night of steamy, tragically ironic fucksex...
...David M. Shin ’02 is getting very excited about applying for the prefect program. “I just want to help show first-years the way,” he said in his interview, before adding, under his breath, “to my balls”...
...It was a veritable grindapalooza at TGI Friday’s last weekend. “An ass-grab isn’t a promise, sweet-cheeks,” said Roland K. Jasper ’03, to no one in particular...
...SENIOR UPDATE: Markus S. Donahuge ’01 was first in line the other night for this season’s inaugural senior bar. He was overheard chanting, “Senior year—What do we want? BEER! When do we want it? BEER!” Donahuge went on and on until the manager of the Hong Kong stepped outside, flicked him off and yelled, “Get out of here, you dumb, white asshole!” Undaunted, M’Huge found himself moderately drunk by the end of the night. “I feel like I didn’t know who anyone there was...and they’re all in my class,” Donahuge confided to his roommate, Aaron S. Chang ’01. “I feel like all the ladies knew who I was, though.” “Whatever,” Chang said knowingly...
...David G. Sumilovitch ’03 found himself in the unfamiliar position of hooking up last Saturday night. At 5 a.m., he was back in his room, maniacally washing his hands and gargling Scope. “David has been very, very dirty,” he mumbled over and over in the empty bathroom. Sumilovitch commented, “I was of course well-versed in the concept of cooties, but [the female genitalia] is just ridiculous”...
..Michael B. Wang ’03 is as gay as a French horn. Jacques T. Depardieu ’00-’01 is as French as a gay croissant...
...Susan F. Lopez ’02 was drunk and grabby on Friday night. “She really made me feel uncomfortable. She treated me like an object,” confided doughy Matherite Peter D. Foute ’03. “Oh HELL!” said Lopez, gesticulating wildly and spilling her Schnapps. “You know that fat piece of shit wants this!” She then slapped her ass...
...Julie H. Worthington III ’04 was still trying to remember the three lies about the John Harvard statue at the Crimson Key initiation party at the Advocate. “Lemme tell you a secret,” Dick F. Williams ’01 offered conspiratorially, his Caucasian breath reeking of schnapps and privilege. “Julie couldn’t tell you a damn thing about Corinthian architecture at Widener [Library]. Fact is, there’s only one large white column at this school that she knows anything about”...
...Corker Q. Picker ’02, your mom is calling on line one. Oh, wait, no. I’m calling her at 1-900-HOT-SLUT...
...Dean D. McCallister ’04 was “shocked. Shocked and disgusted,” to discover that the 40 minutes spent manually stimulating Dana S. Marin ’04 hurt his Mario Kart skills. “I was doing time trials in Wario [Stadium], and I was not executing power turns with any degree of skill because my fingers ached,” McCallister recalled. Said Marin, “I enjoyed the rambunctious fingering session, but it was a little distracting when Dean tried to ‘fire my red shells’ by ‘pushing my Z-button’”...
...Sharice D. Murphy ’02 broke up with Anglophile David S. Redmond ’02 last weekend. “He was always spelling ‘color’ with a ‘u’ and shit like that,” Murphy complained. Redmond responded, “I guess .000048 deci-hectares of cock was too much for her” ...
...Known weirdo Jack J. Van der Bone ’03 asked another man to loan him a pair of undershorts. Though he claimed later that it was merely “a joke,” Van der Bone’s weirdo status was not revoked...
...Did Corker Q. Picker ’02-’03 intern at the Washington Institute of Sticking a Rod Up Your Ass this summer or what?...
...Mediocre academic and world-class lech Professor Peter Y. Block has allegedly been holding office hours in his pants. Said student Valerie C. Perry ’05 from within Block’s Dockers, “And they say Yale sucks” ...
...Rap fan Casey B. Weinstein ’03 can no longer communicate verbally with anyone besides Snoop Dogg. “Shiznit, pliznouch! Fashizzle, bizzatch! Damn!” said Weinstein to his Ec 10 TF as they went over a problem set...
...Felix P. Johnson ’03 wants to know if you’ve met his friend Deez. Deez who? “Deez nutz!” he says...
...Virgin Update: Kim S. Kilpatrick ’05 finally popped her cherry, lubricated by about a quart of Everclear punch. God, how we wish that was only a metaphor...
...Peeing off the bow of the Spee boat during a Saturday outing, very drunk punch Gerry S. Botwin ’04 was surprised when his urine was carried on the wind back towards him. “Aah! Why is this happening?” he screamed as he was battered by a hurricane of piss...
...David B. Stevens ’03 returned home over the holiday break to find that all his old friends have become either borderline drug addicts or born-again Christians. Seeking to find a happy medium, Stevens has begun proselytizing while high. “Jesus, was, like, the original Jim Morrison,” he whispered gravely...
...In a tragic case of life imitating Jay-Z’s “Girls, Girls, Girls,” self-styled “Super MC” Casey B. Weinstein ’03 dumped girlfriend Trish G. Fenster ’02 after he claimed “she kept bootlegging my shit.” Commented a distraught Fenster, “I don’t know what he’s talking about—it’s not like he makes CDs. Or tapes. Or anything that anyone, least of all me, could or would bootleg.” Retorted Weinstein, “I got bitches in the common room gettin’ it on/and they ain’t leavin’ till the residential tutor comes along. Beee-yotch!”...
...Impressionable freshman Harold K. Fahlgren ’05 is very excited about Harvard-Yale weekend, based on very poor information. “I was talking to this really drunk guy who wasn’t wearing pants [Steven K. Seaver ’98-’03],” Falgren said, “and he was saying that there was like a huge fucking Harvard-Yale sex orgy last time he went to New Haven. He also said Yale girls are super-hot, and really impressed by Harvard guys. I’m definitely gonna score!” When confronted about his prevarications, Seaver tried to enlist his resident tutor in a pantsless trip to the vending machine...
...Casey B. Weinstein ’03 was brought to tears when, while extremely baked, he spent over an hour listening to Jay-Z’s “Izzo (H.O.V.A)” on repeat and meditating on the obstinacy of “haters” who demand to see Jay “clapped and chromed.” Commented Weinstein, “It is so wrong that they want to do that to Jigga. Soooooo...wrong...” Overwhelmed by emotion, Weinstein could not continue. He admitted the next day that he has absolutely no idea what it means to be “clapped” or “chromed,” and is still a little shaky on the exact definition of “haters”...
..Jimmy D. Blitzer ’05 has been using the hilarious expression “Deez nutz!” at wholly inappropriate times: in e-mail conversatoins with TFs, in his after-school tutoring program, in synagogue and—most outlandishly—when tellin’ his bitches exactly which parts of his body to sizzuck...
...The folks down at the Harvard College Fund are beginning to regret choosing outgoing co-chair Tabitha G. Filney ’02 to lead the Senior Gift Committee. “I began to get worried after she told me she was ‘trizzashed,’ whatever that means,” said one College administrator. “I also wondered why she left five messages on my emergency cell phone announcing that Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels, Jim Bean and Tanqueray No. 10 would be our biggest donors. I haven’t met those particular seniors, but she seemed to know them pretty darn well.” Filney was later spotted cashing checks made out to the College Fund at Central Square’s Supreme Liquors...
...Lee S. Robinson ’05 is unable to become aroused without the presence of ear-splittingly loud techno mixed on a laptop. “I totally got cockblocked the other night when an error of type 3 occurred and Winamp crashed,” said a distraught Robinson. Nn-tss, nn-tss, nn-tss...
...After yet another girl jerked him around, Felix P. Johnson ’03 channeled his frustrations toward a 1,000-piece Velásquez jigsaw puzzle. “One bitch, many faces,” he muttered over and over to himself. “And where the fuck does this fucking blue piece with a yellow spot go? Fuck you, bitch! You said you loved me!”...
...Quentin W.Y. Jones ’05 has rediscovered the fourth-grade-style use of the sentence-negating interjection “Psych!” as a source of amusement. “I’m so sorry, but I’m gonna need an extention on my midterm,” he told his “Designing the American City” TF last week. “Psych! Ha ha ha ha!” Sources hint that Jones is getting a D in section and that he’s not a total dork. Psych! He is a dork!...
...Mira F. Leonard ’04 haughtily declines pot, alcohol and sex. “I did that shit in high school,” she lies...
...Cabot House: where the men are strong and the pigs are frightened...
...A pre-break Science B-29 lecture delivered by Professor Richard Wrangham focused on the similarities in mating patterns between humans and hamadryas baboons. An extremely baked John P. Felix ’03, attending his last lecture before heading off to Cancun for vacation, was somehow left with the idea that Wrangham was encouraging baboon-human crossbreeding. Felix is currently being held in a small cell near the Cancun Zoo primate house as confused prosecutors attempt to figure out exactly which statutes prohibit ape-raping...
...Strange but true: Mohammed Tariq Rahim ’05 is a lifelong Christian. Moses Q. Jesus ’05 is a lifelong asshole...
...Self-consciously flamboyant homosexual C. Max MacGill ’02 cannot go two seconds without reminding people that he’s gay. Asked recently whether he wanted anything from Tommy’s Value, he responded, “Only if they have hot gay guys! Unhh!”...
...Famous wit J. Christopher McDonald ’02 enjoys regaling acquaintances with tales of his charming insouciance. “So I said to the guy, ‘Blow me!’ Hahahahahahahaha!” recalled McDonald...
...Annoying sophomore punks department: Self-proclaimed “Rock Star Herbert” (Herbert P. Quigley ’04) is starting to irritate members of the sophomore class and beyond, what with his gratuitous sunglass-wearing and endless yammering about his status as a “golden guitar god.” Sources close to Quigley note that he is a poseur...
...An extremely baked Harold B. Mackey ’03 recently called HUPD to report the presence of a “mongoose with giant teeth” in his common room. Police responded and, following Mackey’s careful instructions, delicately removed a toothbrush from his bathroom...
...There’s no way around it: The dogwood trees around Leverett smell strongly of semen. So does Holly T. Vargas ’02...
...It was a drunken, turquoise-shirted meltdown for new Crimson Key elect and first-time drinker Amir C. Daharphuni ’04. “I am TRASHED!” he exclaimed as he attempted to open the front door to Lowell by sticking his pinky finger in the card swipe slot post-initiation. “Do you like my TIE?” he yelled. “It’s turquoise TOO! HA!” He then yakked on the card swipe machine, rendering it useless and yak-encrusted...
...Promising two nubile pre-frosh he would “show them a good time” Saturday night, Harold G. Penninger ’02 instead got staggeringly high and left the pair in a dark, sweaty hellhole. The girls escaped the Owl basement shaken, unhurt and planning to attend Yale...
...John G. Patch ’03 got pretty hammered last weekend. Heading to sleep, he was able to take out his contacts, put his wallet on his bedside stand and successfully fold his pants over the chair by his desk. For some reason, however, Patch woke up the next morning under his bed wearing a Batman costume he’d never seen before...
...Tabitha G. Filney ’02 just can’t keep the fellas away. “Heh!” commented Filney. “I like big Irish guys.” Upon hearing the remark, boyfriend Aaron S. Chang ’01 boasted, “You bet she does. Wait a minute...SLUT!”...
...This issue’s Scrutiny tells readers what Harvard doesn’t know. Gossip Guy would like to take this moment to tell Gordon W. Stillman ’04 what he don’t know: His girl’s been schlobbing other guys’ knobs like it was her J-O-B...
...After a substance-free summer, Friday night marked a happy and drool-inducing reunion with marijuana for Felix P. Johnson ’03. “I’m just chillin’, you know?” he mused contemplatively. “And that lamp,” he said while pointing at the moon, “it’s totally just chilling too!” Johnson then borrowed a pen so that he could write his insight about the lamp down on his hand...
...Extra! Extra! Spread the news: As part of his ongoing quest to become Nelly, Brian M. Bringiz ’03 began spelling his name with extra “r”s, wearing a band-aid on his cheek and making inquiries into the cost of installing a strippers’ pole in his common room. “How hot would that be?!?” he enthused. So hot...
...Austin L.Y.B. Spencer ’03 faces a vexing dilemma. “I will not wed the daughter of Lord Sothersby,” he announced. “Though my family doth wish it, she hath not my heart.” Word on the street is that he pines for Mary Kelly ’04, who is exceeding clever, but unfortunately Irish. “She is more fit to be a chambermaid than a bride,” sniffed Spencer’s father, Lord Nigel Spencer ’58...
...Wannabe rapper Casey B. Weinstein ’03 has stopped dicking around. “I think it’s more respectful to the girl to just lay it all on the table,” he says. Commented Liz D. Wellbridge ’05, “Why did that weird guy just tell me he wants to trizz all over my grill-spot?”...
...Dennis T. Thompson ’05 keeps finding easy girls at the Science Center stamp machine. In a curiously parallel situation, Greg Z. Salazar ’03 keeps finding stamps at Bee punch events...
...At the artsy Halloween party of mega-hipster Meadow F. Zapir ’02-’04, roughly three-quarters of the guests were dressed as penises, and the rest went as tampons, abstract concepts and obscure girl-punk bassists. Most of the guests spent the party wallowing in the nebulous netherworld between irony and sincerity. “I like your costume,” they said to each other honestly or questioningly or insultingly...
...Felix P. Johnsonowitz ’03 was excited when Tabitha G. Filney ’02 told him she “liked big Jewish guys.” He was less excited when subsequent events revealed that she also likes small Jewish guys, big Irish guys, medium-sized Hispanics, Asians with broken legs, House security guards, sexy sorority sweethearts and pretty much every other possible group or individual...
...Antonio A. Harris ’03, hosting a Kirkland party last weekend, was totally bombed by 10:30 after a 20-second hit of intensely alcoholic Franzia box wine. Declaring himself “Dr. Franzia,” Harris left his room and spent the next hour pretending to teach a class in a basement classroom. He eventually ended up sleeping in a Weld fifth-floor bathroom that he identified, after a long search, as most like his childhood bedroom. Awakened by two police officers, he declared that “school is dumb” and it was “cool if [he] missed the bus” because “dad can take [him] in the van”...
...Prefect Miguel J. Robbins ’04 thinks that he’s kept the lid on the fact that he’s regularly sleeping with prefectee Alison F. Cammon ’06. Unbeknownst to Miguel, his entire proctor group, half of Grays, and the majority of the Union dorms know exactly the way he likes his balls licked...
...Weekend before last, Harvard scored on Yale to win the Big Game. Meanwhile, in a dirty men’s urinal underneath the bleachers, Moura T. Hayley ’04 scored on two guys from Yale and somebody claiming to be from BU to win the contest for biggest Ivy ho...
...David G. Umansky ’04 wonders why no one appreciates the old-fashioned cockblock he laid on notorious jackass K. Derek Rogers ’04 last weekend. Let’s just say the French army probably could’ve blocked that cock...
...Brian D. Boesen ’03, notorious for pioneering the seduction technique of standing outside Thayer and grabbing random asses, has changed his game. The girls of Rindge and Latin are not pleased...
...The Presidential Installation was pretty hot, but the real action was at the afterparty, held in Loeb House. After English professor and VES. Chair Marjorie Garber screwed in blacklights, moved the futon out of the common room and posted “YOU MUST not DRINK unless you are 21” signs throughout, Quincy House Master and astronomy professor Robert P. Kirshner ’70 rolled in with a 30-pack of Milwaukee’s Best and yelled “The Kirshmeister has unleashed the Beast!” Newly installed President Lawrence H. Summers blanked on Kirshner’s name, and referred to him only as “man” or “dude” throughout the evening. Dean of the College Harry R. Lewis ’68, who pre-partied in University Hall, opened his office window and urinated on the John Harvard statue before making his way over to the festivities. Baker Professor of Economics Martin S. Feldstein ’61, manning the door, gave Lewis a pound as the computer science professor strolled into the party. Associate Professor of Linguistics Bert R. Vaux tried to sneak in behind Lewis but was halted by Feldstein.”Whoa there! Sorry, dude, no room for associate professors here,” Feldstein said, motioning for the HUPD to escort Vaux off the premises. Inside, former Provost Harvey V. Fineberg ’67 set up his ’tables, and when he dropped the beat to DMX’s “Up In Here,” Fletcher University Professor Cornel R. West ’74 took the mic. While West delivered tight rhymes about “shaking yo’ ass” and “the plight of the underclass,” Kenan Professor of Government Harvey C. Mansfield ’53 and Frankfurter Professor of Law Alan M. Dershowitz engaged Porter University Professor Helen H. Vendler in a freak sandwich. “I give all my ladies D’s,” said Mansfield, bending his knees to align pelvises with Vendler. “Deez nutz!”...