Cheddar Ted Suffers From March Madness

In an effort to show people a side of Harvard they may have never seen (the dark side!), the Bell Lap will be conducting a series of interviews with campus personalities to find out what they are truly passionate about. This week, Schonberger met Theodore B. Bressman ’06, a.k.a. Cheddar Ted, on the MAC courts to play a little one-on-one and discuss his greatest love: the NCAA Tournament.

Bell Lap: What up, Cheddar?

Cheddar Ted: Not much, buddy.

BL: You’re famous—in certain circles—for saying, “The tournament takes and it gives.” What do you mean, really?

CT: The tournament is just such an emotional whirlwind for me. I literally alternate between states of intense euphoria and profound depression multiple times a day. The dichotomous complexities of my moods are so intense that I will do something mad unpredictable like pick Duke to win it all even though I hate them more than I hate racism...and I hate racism. I guess this is what I mean, really.

BL: We all know that “March Madness” is just an expression, but do you ever fear actual insanity?

CT: Last year I cursed off my mom when NC State lost to an incredibly unethical Wisconsin team and then I cried tears of sorrow when KU lost to Bucknell. So yeah, that is a legitimate fear of mine.

BL: Duke’s J.J. Redick has established himself as something of a poet. You are a self-proclaimed freestyle rapper. What would you say if you met J.J. in a battle?

CT: I would say, “You think you’re the illest baller in the land? / Let’s see what happens when I slice off your shooting hand!” Then I would remove a samurai blade and cut off his right hand.

BL: Rumor has it that you’ve taken the NCAA’s RPI rankings and applied them to the world of juicing. Can you explain?

CT: Certainly. My preferred method for evaluating girls is based on three criteria. 1) Conference: Who she runs with/who her friends are. 2) Record: Looks, personality, general behavior. 3) Strength of Schedule: Who she’s hooked up with. Girls can use this system, too. For example, hooking up with Cheddar is like winning your conference tournament and getting an automatic bid to the big dance. In other words, mad carefree and fun. Hooking up with you or Catizone would be more like an at-large bid: a little riskier but with the potential for greatness.

BL: Yeah, I’m like the Wichita State Shockers, a real dark horse. But some people like a dark horse. Just look at Black Beauty.

CT: Good one, you chach.

BL: Last question: What would make you most elated and most depressed in this year’s tournament?

CT: Great officiating! Poor defense! By the way, I just juiced you 11-2!