POPSCREEN: Scooter Smiff ft. Chris Brown

Since Lil’ Bow Wow grew up and dropped the “Lil’,” the rap market has been devoid of an overpaid, asinine, inexplicably popular tyke. Chris Brown’s 13-year-old backup dancer Scooter Smiff (could anyone take him seriously with that name?) seems to be eager to fill the void.

In his debut music video, “Head of My Class,” Smiff declares himself to be, well, the head of his class. His claim to fame as a dancer attracts all the ladies, despite his high voice and scrawny body screaming pre-pubescence. And it can’t be Smiff’s mind that the ladies go for because, while he boasts about getting straight A’s, Chris Brown reveals that he bribes Smiff’s teacher: “Scooter getting straight A’s when I hit her with my dollars.”

Ironically, while Smiff tries to exude cool, he merely achieves a parody of adult rappers. Big boys don’t roll in go-karts. Smiff can dream all he wants that he’ll pull up to his junior prom in a Maserati, but it’s not happening. Smiff is a 13-year-old wannabe and, while he’ll get older, it is doubtful that he’ll ever be half as cool as he thinks he is.

While Smiff receives a bought-and-paid-for “A” on his school report, he gets an “F” in just about every other category. Perhaps he should wait a few years for when he might actually be able to rap. Perhaps his voice should drop. Perhaps he should learn how to write lyrics. Perhaps he should realize that he’s making a mockery of himself. Whatever the case may be, Brown may be able to get Smiff good grades, but not even his presence in the music video can make Smiff seem remotely cool.

—Edward F. Coleman