01: Where are you?
a) By the river. Hopefully you’re not wearing heels, because a particularly strong gust of wind may force you into an impromptu ice skating adventure.
b) In your room. Despite its increasingly loud gurgling sounds, that radiator does not do a damn thing.
c) On the Science Center Plaza. The reflective nature of the pavement stones simulate the feeling of skiing on the rare day with a sliver of sunlight (to your blighted corneas, at least).
d) Siberia. I mean the Quad. They’re both far and cold, OK?!
02: What are you wearing?
a) Your Canada Goose jacket; when it comes to warmth, money is no object.
b) A couple of feathers from a Canadian Goose that you have plucked yourself. You should have realized why the “never been worn!” jacket from the ubiquitous brand was so cheap on Ebay. Good luck finding a willing coyote.
c) A lab coat. You’ll be toasting your fingers over a bunsen burner soon enough. Or with some kind of burn-y acid. Either works.
d) Snow shoes. You have far to travel, and functional > fashionable at this point.
03: What kind of climate do you hail from?
a) I strongly identify with the aforementioned word “hail,” Officer. I was raised to stumble in a zigzag so as to avoid the large chunks of ice falling from the sky. I swear I’m not drunk; Fireball is a type of tea, with the warming properties of a hearth that directly affects your balance in the short-term.
b) Somewhere sunny, where flip-flops are acceptable footwear year-round. After losing a toe here or a toe there, you switched to Uggs, but still sans socks :( .
c) An environment that is a little rainy, but pretty temperate throughout the seasons. You frequently don sandals AND socks.
d) The sea. You literally grew up on a houseboat. These puddles make you feel at home.
04: What’s your “happy place” on campus?
a) C’est Bon. It’s cultural if I buy the French wines, right?
b) Gato Rojo. The only drawback is not being able to use BoardPlus to fuel the caffeinated hours staring at dreamy grad students...that would be too good to be true.
c) Cabot Library—the one in the Science Center. One time you snuck in a Greenhouse Cafe burrito and no one noticed. It was awesome.
d) Cabot Library—he one actually in Cabot. Only members of the clu—I mean, House-- have swipe. It’s, like, super exclusive.
05: What’s your favorite cold-day activity?
a) Drinking hot chocolate from Burdick’s! The Uber there was only twice as much as the beverage itself!
b) Curling up by the fire. Please don’t tell anyone I started it.
c) Oxidizing cylindrical sugar candies made of corn syrup and gelatin!!!! Roasting marshmallows, for all you lay-people.
d) Jumping into freshly fallen piles of snow in Cambridge Common. Just avoid the yellow patches...
If you answered...
Mostly A’s: You’re out on the town for the night— unfortunately, looking good doesn’t always translate to warm layers. Zipper up that jacket and put on those knit tights your grandma sent you: It’s cold out!
Mostly B’s: You have literally no idea how to deal with the season that comes between November and March. No, tights with shorts doesn’t count as winter wear. Find a native New England friend and have them teach you the ways of the windy, frigid world.
Mostly C’s: You appear to have walked into the refrigerator where they keep the preserved brains and fetal pigs for SLS classes, and refuse to leave. Please exit and steal some hot chocolate from the Math Lounge to unfreeze your fingers. Thanks.
Mostly D’s: You either live in the Quad or have someone to snuggle up to distant galaxies from the Yard. Do us all a favor: Stop complaining about the cold and just get on the shuttle.