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Arts Vanity: Backlog? What Backlog?

It is a well-known fact that morally, professionally, ethically, and physically, I am as solid as a rock. A paragon of rugged, masculine reliability. A veritable slab of discipline. A productive quarry yielding up metric-ton after metric-ton of sheer bonhomie and can-do optimism. I’m the bona-fide Ruhr Valley of getting things done. The Venerable Bede, paraphrasing a bit of ancient folklore, once wrote: “While Adriano stands, Rome shall stand; when Adriano falls, Rome shall fall; when Rome falls, the world shall fall.” It’s a heavy cross to bear, but I do so with equanimity and pluck.

As a testament to my unshakeable commitment to serving as the steady, thrumming motor of the Arts Board, I present to you some excerpts from blog pieces that I have totally written in a timely fashion for the Arts Blog. They’re there; I promise. You’re just not looking hard enough. I wouldn’t lie to you.

Music Video Breakdown—Emotional Mugger—

“What is it about this man that impedes his cameraman’s ability to keep his camera steady? Is it his gray one-piece? His triangle of matted, curly hair? This 15-minute epic has given me much, but this final answer remains elusive. Will report after the next 10 viewings.”

What the Hell Happened—Liberation of the Serfs?—

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“I have tons of villein friends, and they all think Alexander II is making a catastrophic mistake.”

Adriano O. Iqbal

MacGyver—

“I do, however, take issue with the continuity reboot inherent in this series revival. The original series had such a rich supporting cast and an intricate system of lore—the new series papers over all this. A more straightforward, in-universe sequel series would have perhaps have been more apropos. What diehard fan wouldn’t have liked to see ‘MacGyver 2: Son of MacGyver’ or ‘MacGyver in Hong Kong’ or even ‘Back From The Grave: MacGyver’s Last Stand,’ instead of the insipid rehash we received?”

What the Hell Happened—Ms. Pac-Man: The Patriarchy Wins Again—

“How are we, as modern consumers of the Arcade Game as Art, expected to reconcile Ms. Pac-Man’s staggering competence in the Maze with her willingness to abandon it? In a scant three cutscenes, external to the action, she meets, falls in love with, and conceives a child with her male counterpart, ostensibly sacrificing the inescapable maze of ghosts and pellets for the far more treacherous maze of the domestic sphere.”

What the Hell Happened—Dan Quayle: Hot or Not—

“Were it not for that shrew Marilyn Tucker, Vice President Quayle would undoubtedly hold the title of Washington’s Hottest Bachelor. That salt-and-paprika hair, that rugged jawline, those eyes—so soft yet so piercing, sparkling like an unscratched Laserdisc in the cool Indiana sun.”

—Adriano O. Iqbal is the outgoing Editor-At-Large and incoming Columns exec. Rumor has it that he once went an entire week without ratcheting outgoing chair Ha D. H. Le’s faith in humanity down a few notches.

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