Now that the late autumn chill has settled in, tourists are at last getting fewer and farther between. Like many a polite Harvard student, you’ve probably kindly taken ten minutes out of your day to give directions to Agassiz House. But what if you hadn’t? Here are ten things you could have done to jazz up your daily tourist encounter:

Tourist: What is the Harvard Square?
You:  Special brownies they serve at the dining halls here. Good luck barging through Annenberg to get a bite.

Tourist: What’s the COOP?
You: Elite pen reserved for Harvard student fowl. Eggs are fifty dollars a dozen, or a hundred if embossed with Harvard shield.

Tourist: Can you take a picture with us?
You: Regrettably, selfie use in the Yard is reserved to ID holders only.

Tourist peeks into your dorm room window.
You: Advice on undergraduate room décor is a paid privilege. Cash or credit card?

Tourist: What is ze name of zis building ‘ere?
You: Désolée, je n’en sais rien non plus.

Tourist spots your Harvard ID bling: Are you a student?
You: Nope. I only do my grocery shopping here.

Tourist: How can I get to the Quad?
You: You can’t. It’s reserved for delinquents.

Tourist mom with overeager high school senior: What do you study here?
You: IBP (Interpretive Beer Pong) Honors candidate. That’s right, the admissions tour is held exclusively for advertising purposes.

Tourist asks about the antique pump in front of Hollis: What was this used for?
You: Decapitation of Yale students. We decided to keep the relic after the guillotine was outlawed in the 70s.

Tourist: How did you get in?
You: Oh you know, well-rounded like everyone else. Just published 25 manuals on how to write the Harvard Admissions essay, which I also translated in 200 languages, including Basque, Ibo and Sanskrit. Any questions?