The Noshoes Verdict: Disney’s Frozen is Based On My Life
The internet is a world of absurd claims about what Frozen is based on. If anything, I accept the recent claim that Frozen is based on the life of a woman in New Jersey. This New Jerseyan, Isabella Tanikumi, who sued Disney for $250 mil claiming that they stole her life story, offers EIGHTEEN instances where the plot of Frozen was stolen from her own life. Her most legit claims being that her autobiographies included sisters, along with instances of the older sister accidentally hurting the younger sister. Frozen also had sisters and the older sister hurt the younger one! Don’t worry Ms. Tanikumi, I gotchu.
Still, sorry Ms. Tanikumi , your claim is about to get straight rashed. I am here to tell you that Frozen is literally based on my unreal experiences with this year's blizzard in Boston. Like I have legitimate sources to prove this. Walt Disney, just last week, gave a speech admitting that while creating The Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow (EPCOT), “Disney created a time machine and we landed in Boston during a blizzard in 2015. We noted some interesting characters who seemed to actually be creating this blizzard, and decided to release a movie about it. We had to change some parts of the movie, of course, so that no one knew about our time machine. We changed Boston to the village of Arendelle, for example. Also, since it’s Hollywood we’re dealing with, we needed to beautify some things. Our Princess Anna was a decent-looking girl named Betty, but she was surely no Serena Van Der Woodsen, so we had to improvise” (Walt Disney 2015).*
If Walt’s message doesn’t convince you (especially because realistically I’m not just decent-looking), I am willing to offer you NINETEEN instances where the plot of Frozen intertwines with my last two weeks experiencing the many blizzards in Boston.
- Boston is legitimately the fjord in Arendelle. Seriously, I drove to Boston on the Tobin Bridge and I thought I was daydreaming about Arendelle. The harbor is completely frozen. There are boats. There’s probably even a reindeer flailing around somewhere, too.
- (Side-note as to why I met Princess Elsa in Boston) Princess Elsa really likes the state of Washington. It gets pretty cold and it rains a lot and she gets to hang out with other outliers like Edward Cullen. So, of course, Princess Elsa is a Seahawks fan. She was wicked pissed at the Pats. She wouldn't let it go.
- When Princess Elsa got to Boston to make it snow, she met me (Betty). She saw me wearing American Flag pants and a Pats hat. Elsa damn near took one look at me and spider-manned ice at my heart :'(
- I thought it was mad cool that Elsa could make ice and snow like that, so after taking the ice out of my heart, I asked her if she wanted to build a snowman. I have never seen someone get so aggravated at such an innocent question, so, in awe, I walked away, whispering “Okay, bye.”
- Elsa was legit mad. She started running on Boston Harbor. Everything started freezing. (Report back to #1….Elsa created the OG fjord).
- Elsa finds her ice palace after crossing the Charles. AKA Elsa created “The Alps of MIT.” She inhabits this snow mountain.
- Betty feels bad for making Elsa angry/for turning Boston into an ongoing blizzard, so she goes on a search for Elsa.
- Betty decides she needs a new dress for the occasion, so she enters random store with a big summer blowout.
- Random boy named Kristoff also enters random store with big summer blowout looking for carrots. He mentions his sled and reindeer, Sven.
- Betty takes advantage of Kristoff's sled so she can find Elsa and takes it down the Widener Steps. She breaks the sled, but promises to buy him a new one, along with some carrots.
- Betty and Kristoff and reindeer find Elsa at MIT and rescue her from a creepy huge MIT student's robot that looks like a snow monster.
- Elsa and Betty finally build a snowman together. They turned Betty’s old plead to build a snowman into the legendary jam “Do You Want to Build a Snowman.” Their snowman, whom they named Falo, awkwardly came to life.
- Elsa does not know the true damage she has done to Boston until she finds out that the MBTA was forcibly closed, just like how none of the boats in Arendelle could leave because the water was frozen.
- Drew Faust finds out that Princess Elsa (and Betty) are the reason why THE Harvard University had to have three snow days. She’s mad.
- Drew Faust takes Princess Elsa to the adboard, where she is told to turn Boston back into summer.
- Elsa tells Faust and the adboard that the only way to turn Boston back into summer is through an act of true love for her new best friend, Betty (formerly known as Princess Anna).
- Betty fills out the Valentine's Day Datamatch, and happily discovers that Kristoff is her match.
- Drew Faust adboards Princess Elsa and tells her to never return to Boston. Elsa’s last words are to Betty, “You must get kissed by the dopest boy ever, or Boston will never stop snowing.”
- Betty anxiously awaits Kristoff to click on the Datamatch Zinneken's invitation so that she can eat waffles and kiss him and bring summer back to Boston.
*I actually consider myself the Serena Van Der Woodsen of Boston. (Also in case anyone was wondering, Walt Disney didn’t actually say this and died a long time ago.)