The clock struck midnight on February 14th, and the V-Day bomb detonated, leaving behind a pink and red cloud of desperation, horniness, and self-loathing. (Actually, that last one lingers in Harvard Square's air all the time.)
With Valentine’s Day comes a whole lot of feelings you’re normally immune to. But it’s been cold for a while, and you can’t help thinking that cuddling with another human in a twin bed might not be so bad. That person who is ‘eh’ all other times of the year? Suddenly their eyes sparkle when they smile. It hits you: You have a Crush.
In case you’re feeling ballsy or just extra needy this Valentine’s Day, we have put together some great ways to ask your crush out. You’re welcome.
Don’t let The One get away because you were afraid to move too quickly. You’ve gotta lock ‘em down, and quick, before Brad the Ec concentrator gets his fancy job at Goldman Sachs while you’re still “searching for your passion" (aka not financially desirable).
Here’s how you do it: go to CVS. Purchase a Ring Pop. Find your crush in the dhall. Approach them, make them stand in the aisle. Kneel and present them with the Ring Pop while professing your undying love. If they ask you what your name is, that’s a good sign. They obviously know who you are, they're just so lovestruck that they came down with minor amnesia.
A Flash Mob
Gather your closest friends/anyone who thinks they can dance. Find your crush, and approach them blasting FM$ by the New Boyz. In true middle school dance fashion, impress them with how well you can jerk.
Play hard to get
Whenever your crush enters the room, flee quickly and conspicuously. If they try to talk to you, look right through them, or immediately strike up a conversation with someone else. If no one else is around, strike up a conversation with yourself.
Send them a formal email, and be sure to sign off with something elegant, like “Kind regards” or “Peace out girl scout.” Bonus points if you attach your resume.
Send them a LinkedIn request
Your crush won’t be able to interpret this move as anything other than intellectual flirtation.
Do it à la final club
Punch your crush figuratively or literally. Slide a letter with a wax seal under their door. Or just punch them in the face. We all need a release sometimes, especially after thinking too long about single-gender organizations unrecognized by Harvard.
Or you could, I don’t know, just tell them? We hope you successfully shoot your shot and have a Happy Valentine’s Day!