The Overly Relatable
This candidate’s platform: They just get you. Freshman year is hard: They know because they’re a freshman, too. However, they’ve survived the first month unscathed and are ready to support you in all your emotional endeavors. Sure, they might have only eaten in Annenberg twice, and they go home every other weekend because their family lives in Boston. But they promise they can turn Harvard into a replica of your hometown if you just give them your vote.
Unlimited Poster Budget
How did you spend your high school tutoring money? Well, this candidate spent theirs at Staples last weekend, printing 200 copies of their face and laminating every last sheet so that the posters will last longer than their love for the UC. Prepare to be accosted by mediocre puns everywhere you turn in your dorm for the rest of the semester (unless you’re willing to put in the effort of taking them down).
You didn’t think much of this candidate until they started popping up in every single group chat you’ve joined since Visitas, espousing their platform and asking you to become a politically active citizen. How is this candidate in Matthews, Greys, and Weld, you may ask? The answer is simple: they’re not. But don’t bother calling them out: This candidate has the follow-through to win, and you’ll regret your ill-fated hilarious roast in three months when you can’t get funding for your club.
Doors on Doors
Thought your summer campaign internship was grueling? Wait until you meet this candidate, who is running a one-person canvassing operation throughout your entire yard. Be careful not to act too friendly towards them — they’re on the lookout for recruits, and your smiling face would make the perfect addition to their team.
Between your inbox and your dorm bulletin board, it’s hard to ignore UC elections. To all of the candidates: Good luck, and we salute your hard work. To everyone else: Have fun taking down those posters for the rest of the year.