What could be more enticing than swipe access to your favorite niche celebrity? That’s right, I am talking about the open list from our beloved Harvard Business School. Harvard is renowned for the opportunities it provides students—and I am not talking about “pre-professional” opportunities (who cares lol). Networking with Pete Buttigieg is great and all, but what I really care about, Harvard, is seeing didactic social media influencers at 8 p.m. on a Tuesday night.

Please, HBS, take inspiration from our dream panelist lineup (and, if you are capping the event, put us on the VIP list thx).

Alexander “Big Red” Dougherty

Talk about a business rebrand. You know how much shock washed over me when I realized the E85 kid was the same 2021 TikTok “When I Grow up Role Call” plumber kid? And now look at the man: selling out stadiums (or something like that) with his world (nine-state) tour. I dare you to name someone better suited to consult us on how to expunge our digital footprint and turn it into something iconic. We need to preserve and educate these Harvard influencers somehow.

Hailey Bieber

The queen of simplicity-maxxing. With her brand full of skincare and makeup that fits the “clean girl aesthetic,” she can yap about her revolutionary business strategy, especially in engineering a phone case that holds lip treatment so you can always reapply on the go. While we are at it, this could also be the perfect chance to kindly ask her to restock products more often at Sephora. I feel like I am currently in an on-again, off-again relationship with my Glazing Milk.

Alex Cooper

To avoid showing favoritism in this Alex/Alix feud, we need to invite Daddy Cooper to campus to speak her truth. She has insight into running a business AND running a relationship. Talk about being multifaceted. Plus, Cooper literally went to Boston University. Let’s support local entrepreneurs!

Charles Hsu

Forget case studies on Amazon and Apple when Charles Hsu exists. He is quite literally the FUNNIEST person out there, and has used his platform to transform the corporate world into content. We sure could learn from a seminar on personal branding, networking, and the delicate art of making fun of everything professional.

Inde Navarrette

Name a better breakout actress of the summer. Saturday Night Live pulled her, so I feel like we deserve a chance, too. Maybe by listening to her talk, Obsession will become less frightening, and I can watch without having to cry and throw up. Spark some artistic inspiration in us all, Inde. Oh, and to sweeten the pot, we’d make this a women-only event. No Bears allowed.

Becca Bloom

Known for her “out-of-touch” TikToks that flaunt her unattainable level of wealth, Becca is the perfect professor out there for students interested in learning how to make some real money. I mean, being rich is her full-time job! If nothing else, we can at least breathe the same air and hope her wealth rubs off on us.

At the end of the day, HBS can keep the Fortune 500 CEOs—but deep down, we all know which public personas would truly fill the lecture hall. HBS: our LinkedIn profiles are updated, and our business casual fits are ready, so the ball is in your court.