This week's addition to Drink Dictionary
Arguments with empty chairs. Naked swims in the Sea of Galilee. Rick Santorum.
This election season is liable to drive just about anyone to the bottle.
Though we'd all love to be sitting on a beach in the Cayman Islands, sipping a mai tai and managing Mitt Romney's bank accounts, Flyby presents all of us in damp Cambridge a drinking game to keep you sane during tonight's candidate clash:
47 percent, 100 proof: Every time either candidate cites a percentage (e.g. "I will represent 100 percent of Americans," "8.1 percent of our country is out of work," "47 percent of the country are parasitic moochers who I personally detest") drink that portion of your current beverage.
Hawks and Chugs: Throw back the local spirit for whatever country Mitt Romney threatens to start a war with. Shot of Stoli when he calls Russia our major geopolitical foe. Snifter of baijiu whenever he deems China a currency manipulator. Iran, as a sober theocracy, presents a challenge. Instead, honor their petro-economy by taking a shot of gasoline/turpentine/Rubinoff.
(Toned) Body Politic: Whenever gay marriage is brought up, celebrate your lack of homophobia by taking a body shot off of a member of the same sex. It's only awkward if you make it awkward, bigots.
Man of the People: Take a sip of your favorite mass-market domestic lager every time either candidate tries to empathize with the struggling working man. Everyone knows you could share a brew with Dubya, but what about these two?
Optional: increase your intake based off how far back in time their references to the working man go. Two drinks for George Romney or for "Mama Obama" Ann Dunham, a pint of Guinness for Obama's Irish great-great-grandfather, and a 40 oz of Corona for Romney's fleeing-to-Mexico polygamist grandparents.
Veri-tasty: Believe it or not, there is a cocktail named after our fair alma mater: The Harvard cocktail consists of 1.5 oz of cognac, 1 oz of vermouth, and a couple dashes of bitters poured into a martini glass with club soda. Every time either candidate runs away from his ties to everyone's favorite ivory tower, make and consume one of these cocktails in as refined and elitist a way as possible.
Bonus: make a condescending remark about the welfare state while doing this.
Mormon-tini: Should the moderator bring up Mitt Romney's Mormon religion—which bans the consumption of alcohol, tobacco, or caffeine—sip a Diet 7-Up while playing board games in the nearest rumpus room. If this is not feasible, you can, alternatively, throw back a double vodka-Red Bull while chain-smoking and blaspheming.
If you've somehow made it to the end of the debate, congratulations! Celebrate by drinking until you're no longer terrified about the country's future.