Mather Declares War On Adams

The Harvard Crimson

At 12:01 a.m. on Thursday, following Adams House's failure to rescind its Declaration against Currier House, Mather House's mysterious leader, know only by the alias "General Mistie," released a formal Declaration of War against Adams House.

"In accord with the Decree to Save the Tree, Mather House hereby declares war on Adams to protect the security and rights of Currier and its other Quad allies, and the Harvard housing system," the Declaration read.

It is currently unclear how Mather plans to defend Currier, which is more than a mile away from Mather. The two are the most distant Houses on campus.

Mather issued seven demands to Adams, including reparations in the form of Brain Break, forfeit of intramural athletics, swipe access to Adams dining hall for Mather and its allies, and requiring "Call Me Mather" be played in the Adams dining hall at least once every dinner.

"We enter this war with a heavy heart. It has been 8 years since Mather has taken up arms," the Declaration read, "but sometimes we must take drastic measures to ensure lasting peace."

"Mather currently has no comment on the Winthrop-Lowell conflict," according to the Declaration.

Stay tuned to Flyby for updates as they happen.

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