Our ever-curious and anonymous freshman has Housing Day on his mind. Below, three of FM’s experts answer Josh’s questions about blocking group drama, floating, and avoiding the Quad.
Josh: What do you do if there are more than eight guys in the friend group? How does the group decide who stays in? Do groups often split into two late in the game?
FM1: I think I wrote a “Justice” essay about this. I think you draw straws and then push the large man onto the train tracks to save the starving children in Africa. Unless you are a utilitarian, in which case, you skip lecture.
FM2: This boils down to “What do I do if I’m too popular?” Good for you! That sounded insincere, but it wasn’t. You’re making the most of your college experience by branching out, and I applaud you. If there are more than eight guys in the friend group, split off and do your own thing. They’ll notice you’re missing and call for you to come on back senior year.
FM3: When it comes to blocking, the most important thing is honesty. Get the whole group together one night, grab a few drinks and Cinnabons, and speak openly and candidly to one another. Even if this doesn’t solve all your problems, you’ll probably all reach an agreement over who has the hottest mom.
Josh: Should I pick compatible roommates or good friends I go out with? Is it more important to have people who are easy to live with, or the group you want to be with come Saturday night?
FM1: You should probably choose roommates that are neither good friends nor easy to live with. That way, when you go out Saturday night, you will have plenty of material.
FM2: If you have to choose, I’d go with the ones who are easy to live with. Saturday night only happens once a month, whereas day-to-day living happens every minute.
FM3: The group you want to be with come Saturday night. Clearly this one night—which you won’t even spend in your room—is more important than compatability the other 164 hours of the week.
Josh: What’s the deal with linking? Is linking with chicks a move? The move? If each of your blockmates have different friends outside the blocking group, how do you decide who to link with?
FM1: You should probably link with people that you are willing to hook up with. It’s like an unofficial rule that eventually you are going to drunkenly hook-up with a linkmate—at least this is what my linkmate told me.
FM2: Link. Otherwise you might end up in the quad and they might end up in Dunster. I hear Drew Faust personally makes sure to ruin the lives of people that tempt fate and don’t link.
FM3: From experience, linking with chicks is definitely the move. I have eight female linkmates, and I hooked up with all of them in the week leading up to Housing Day, one girl a night. Do the math.
Josh: What’s the deal with being a floater?
FM1: I think the band Modest Mouse put it the best when they said, “We both got fired on exactly the same day/Well we’ll float on good news is on the way.” Then again, they also said, “It’s been agreed the whole world stinks so no one’s taking showers anymore.”
FM2: No one actually floats. It’s just a myth.
FM3: Most of the floaters I’ve met all really enjoy their housing situations, which is probably because they didn’t feel obligated to conveniently room with their incompatible freshman year roommates. And they prefer the term “one man party.”
Josh: With no disrespect to those out there, how does one avoid the Quad? Is it true blocking groups with certain athletes are more likely to get the Quad? Which teams might this apply for?
FM1: Join the Dunster Culinary Team. They pay you $10/hour to cook.
FM2: This is true. They mainly put track and field kids in the Quad because they’re good at running long distances.
FM3: One of the biggest misconceptions among freshmen is that the Quad is an undesirable place to live. While, yes, a lot of people placed in the Quad are initially upset when they hear the news, they grow to love their spacious rooms and distance from chaos. So on Housing Day, it’s most important to remember that wherever you’re placed, you’ll end up loving your new home. Just kidding! The Quad sucks.