“You know, we see all these labor movements on TikTok, and we say to ourselves, we are being exploited just like them. I didn’t spend six years at Groton to do my own dry cleaning.”
Dear reader, I am here to ensure that this part of history does in fact repeat itself. No, no, I’m not preying on anyone’s downfall. It’s already happened! After 40 years, the Harvard Undergraduate Council has fallen. And I will certainly take advantage of this momentous opportunity to acquire some of the UC’s most coveted assets.
With over 12,000 followers on Instagram, Remy has undoubtedly become one of the most popular animals on campus. But his celebrity obscures all the questionable actions that cast doubt on whether we should uplift him in the first place: is Remy really the friendly cat that he purports to be, or is he “purr” evil?
I dream of a college experience where I can walk the streets of Mass. Ave without the fear of encountering one of these monstrous creatures careening toward me during a late-night CVS run. Even so, I know better than to underestimate what the rats around here are capable of, and I worry that our little friends here might be clever enough to evade the devices poised to eliminate them.
Where else can you actually take a class with a world-renowned professor, the one you gushed about in your Common App, only to discover that they don’t know how to teach?
I scan the room. I am surrounded by wide nostrils, tiny chins, and, oh dear god, goatees. My eyes are burning. Everyone is so… ugly.