The Harkness Tower bells of New Haven are a-ringing, and the 134th Game is fast approaching, but don’t worry: You still have time to buy an infamous H sweater. “But!” you say. “They’re extra, expensive, and basic. I don’t need that!” You’re right. No one needs an H sweater. But Harvard students can shit on these sweaters all they want, because when they flock to the stadium, they’ll all end up wearing some variation on the H sweater, anyway. Choose yours wisely: The Game is one of the most widely-attended social events of the year, and new cover photos WILL be taken. Read on for our guide to this year’s 15 Hottest But Not Necessarily Warmest H Sweaters.
15. The Classic Harvard Letter Sweater: The Classic H sweater pairs perfectly with Uggs and a pumpkin spice latte; after all, basic rhymes with classic. (Very, very nearly.) Upgrade to 19-micron count Australian Merino wool if cotton doesn’t cut it for you.
14. The Classic Harvard Letter Sweater in Cream: If you want the traditional look but crimson is a bad color on you, opt for the more ~sophisticated~ “creme” in the same design. Creme, not cream. Cream is for coffee, and creme is for sweaters, duh.
13. Tommy Hilfiger H Sweater: If you grew up being taught that A is for Armani, B is for Barneys, and H is for Hilfiger, well—first, your parents must be strange. Second, you might enjoy this patriotic take on the H sweater. Yes, it’s authentic Tommy Hilfiger; yes, we know you’re in a final club.
12. Tailgating Sweatshirt: The homey knit of this sweater makes us remember going to Grandma’s house for home-cooked dinners. And that sloppy cursive—does anyone else smell freshly baked cookies? There’s no way your grandmother didn’t knit this wholesome sweater. She just hasn’t broken the news to you that she’s working for the Hillflint factory, that’s all.
11. Colorfield Sweater: Wow, this one could go in so many directions. It’s minimalist and therefore perfect for your friend on The Advocate’s Design board or for VES concentrators. On the other hand, it’s hard to miss that li’l registered trademark symbol—maybe buy this one for your favorite Ec pal. Sssss.
10. Retro Stadium Sweater: That artfully distressed denim jacket, that tastefully ironic t-shirt, those authentically lived-in mom jeans—boy, do we have the sweater for you! Once you’ve run it over a few times and left it with your teething puppy for a couple of days, it’ll be the perfect addition to your look.
9. Cashmere Crewneck: If cotton gives you hives and you get a fraud alert from your credit card company for purchases under $200, here’s a crewneck, but in cashmere. It’ll pill quickly and can’t be machine-washed, but you can afford to replace it.
8. Ladies Retro Stripe Sweater: This is the perfect sweater to wear when you’re having a girls’ night and you’re just not ready for any of that toxic masculinity. Think of this as the pink Gillette razor of sweaters, but, you know, cozier. And less likely to make you bleed when accidentally step on it in the shower.
7. Quilted Crew Harvard Sweater: Harvard is a brand, and the sweater is branded, and honestly, why even fight it any more?
6. Classic Crewneck: Fun DIY project: Go to Michael’s, buy some iron-on letters and a red sweatshirt, and charge $65 for it. You’re welcome. All we’re asking for is 15 percent of the profits.
5. Varsity Script Sweater: Was your second grade brother practicing his cursive for your birthday card? He should work on his lowercase R’s. Then again, they do scream, “We’re not a multi-million dollar corporation! We’re just like you!” Harvard spelled out in wobbly loops has never looked less intimidating.
4. Harvard Letter V-Neck Sweater: The classic, in V-neck form to keep it sultry. We guarantee you: That sliver of collarbone is your ticket to the Delphic pregame.
3. Terry Crew: According to the Harvard Shop, it’s “perfect for studying inside or for a night out.” The towel-like fabric looks like it might be good for soaking up the inevitable spilled drinks at the tailgate, too.
2. Illustrated Harvard Sweater: This might be the closest you ever get to a football player touching your chest.
1. H for Harry Sweater: Knit by Molly Weasley herself, this is the hottest H sweater. Its insulating properties are magical. It’s bewitchingly flattering. And so what if the H doesn’t necessarily stand for Harvard? No one has to know… if you hit them with a quick obliviate.
This Saturday, you’ll see your friends in all of these H sweaters and more, freezing on those hideous stone bleachers, hoping to catch a glimpse of some Yale Boy Butts. Maybe the knowledge that Harvard has more Hillflint designs than Yale can keep you warm; no matter what the final score is, we’re better at being the worst.