Places To Go, People to Spee
No one in the community wins when the final club and the final club guy are wrenched apart by the wrinkled hands of rich alumni. Some will lose that radiant glow that comes with having 24-hour access to a full-service campus mini-mansion. Others will simply lose the joy of basking in the radiant glow of those who have 24-hour access to a full-service campus mini-mansion. We all know about liability, but it just seems unfair that Spee members are being punished for their community service—getting the rest of us drunk. So, FM has compiled a few suggestions on how its members can keep themselves entertained and in good spirits through such trying times as these.
(Spee guys, don’t even worry about returning the favor. If FM ever finds itself locked out of the supply cabinet at The Crimson, we’ll give you a call.)
Pravda 116 :: Understandably, it’s not quite the same as having throngs of freshman biddies show up right to your door, but Pravda 116 is a magnet for the super chic and Euro-hip women of Boston. In this time of frosty transatlantic relations, Pravda’s continental attitude is perfect for a club in which one out of three members respond “mais oui, la semaine dernière” to the question “have you showered recently?”
Foxwoods :: The surroundings may not be as plush as the poker room at the Spee, and you may not be virtually guaranteed of victory so long as you’re not as stoned as the dealer, but Foxwoods Casino can still provide some high-stakes thrills. FM also recommends taking in a show while you’re there. No, sorry, Witness Protection Program (WPP) will not be playing the Fox Lounge any time soon, but Foxwoods offers the next best thing: Engelbert Humperdinck (02/28/03 - 03/01/03) and Carrot Top (03/07/03 – one night only!!!).
The North End VFW :: The real reason people join final clubs in the first place is the love of good, old-fashioned male bonding, right? Right? Regardless, spending some time at the Veterans of Foreign Wars Lodge in the North End will help the men of Spee get back to basics and rediscover the meaning of brotherly love. Sit back and listen as some of our country’s brave warriors recount their tales of valor, fighting for the freedom of the American people in foreign lands. Then, spin for them the moving tale of how you defended the pride of the Old Greenwich Yacht Club in foreign waters at last year’s inter-club regatta.
Relationship Counseling :: Breaking up is never easy, even if it’s with a house. Recognizing this fact of life, FM has scoured Google to find only the most well considered relationship advice to help ease the Spee boys through this difficult and confusing period of transition. Many online tips seem sufficiently vague to apply to just about any life crisis, even the somewhat rare human tragedy of being displaced from your elite, all-male social organization. No less a modern sage than www.Ivillage.com, in its “7 Post-Breakup Pick-Me-Up Tips,” reminds the Spee boys that it’s OK to cry and, above all else, to avoid doing something on the rebound that they might one day regret (i.e. don’t run out and rush AEPi). In the wake of a failed relationship, Ivillage also counsels to “Start a Saturday Night Club” and “Close the Door,” but these pearls of digital wisdom might not be very helpful under the circumstances. If counseling doesn’t work, head directly to UHS for a fistful of Prozac and/or Valium.
The British Consulate, Boston :: For members of the Spee’s sizable British contingent, it might be wise to register a quick hello with Mother Britannia down at the British Consulate. She wants to know what you’re up to; she wants to catch you up on your student visa renewal; she wants to make sure you’re still not in al Qaeda; and, most of all, she just wants to check that you got the dorm room crumpet oven she sent you last month for your birthday.
The Big Apple :: If partying ’till dawn is what you miss most about the Spee, you may have to bypass staid Harvard, Boston and New England altogether and head southward for a hot night in Manhattan. You could even kill two birds with one stone and make the trek to the British Consulate-General on swinging Third Avenue! For members still giddy with Chinese New Year memories, the Chinatown bus offers a comparably posh atmosphere. Or, you could just take your Jaguar.
Community Service :: Some extra free time is a golden opportunity to give back to those in need. This is especially true for the men of the Spee, who truly have so much to give back to their community. The Spee boys, for instance, could help to spread their infamous love of Mother Nature by offering lessons on dorm-room horticultural techniques to Cambridge schoolchildren. Or, they could work to advance the cause of literacy by reading lines with Natalie (you know, Portman [rolls eyes dismissively]) before her next screen test. And, if the Spee is feeling especially selfless, it could inaugurate a new appliance fund for the Porcellian because it certainly appears (at least from the pictures, anyway) as if the Porc’s early model Frigidaire is a Freon disaster waiting to happen.
Plan B :: Perhaps nothing can suffice to fill the void. Thankfully, members who can’t get their fix anywhere else have one last resort to turn to: the Spee—via the back door.
