UC Elections: I Just Fell Asleep

Undergraduate Council (UC) elections are boring as shit. In fact, they’re more boring than Harvard-Yale rivalry, House spirit, and Derek C. Bok combined. Imagine a supercomputer capable of sorting genetic info into cross-referenced modules. Sounds pretty sweet, huh? Nope. Super fucking boring, just like these loser elections. Nevertheless, since everyone’s talking about them we figured we’d weigh in.

The root of the problem is really with the UC itself, which is the second most boring institution on campus, surpassed only by HOLLIS.

Just consider parties. Most people would agree that a real party has tons of easy chicks, smooth brews, and hard ‘A.’ But though the UC claims that students can pay for these sorts of amenities through its “party grant” program, has anyone ever gotten one of these grants? We certainly have not, and it’s not for lack of trying. Apparently, the UC just doesn’t think that a bat/snake rental is a legitimate party expense.

Yet it’s not just the UC that sucks; it’s the candidates and their boring fucking campaigns. Face the fact: We were all student council presidents in high school. You can’t fool us with your empty promises and ass-kissing charisma, because we’ve all been there, memorizing names and trying to get those chunks of poop treat out of our teeth.

One thing we learned from that experience is the importance of keeping a clean ship, a concept clearly lost on this year’s current contenders. Take Tom D. Hadfield ’08, for example, whose campaign manager told The Crimson on Monday, “I am a slave driver.” A less amateur candidate would recognize the obvious liabilities of employing a slave driver in a country where slavery was abolished more than 100 years ago. Perhaps Hadfield and his band of bigots should take their act to Dubai.

Ryan A. Petersen ’08, on the other hand, has put together a team with the experience to really take us to the next level. Thanks to his running mate, Matthew L. Sundquist ’09, upperclassmen are now able to swipe into any freshman dorm when the girls they’re with are too drunk to do it themselves. As you might imagine, this policy has been a huge boon to perverts on campus and has quadrupled the attendance at our Room 13 counseling group on Wednesday nights. The only downside we can think of is that our stipend hasn’t kept up with the extra cookies and pamphlets that we need to make campus safe.

But no matter who wins, we hope things change. This hope is balanced, however, by our certainty that they won’t. Another white man will be elected, he’ll beef up his resume, he’ll get a sweet job, and through it all, he’ll wonder why he can’t get any.

—With additional reporting by Mathias G. Gordon and Kosaku Yada.