15 Things the Dog Told the Shrink

It seems that President Faust and Ellen Degeneres have more in common than their trendy pixie haircuts—both have serious doggie issues. FM has it on good word that Faust brings pup Clio to an animal behavioral clinic at Tufts. We got to wondering: just what is Clio telling her shrink?

1) Sometimes I feel like nobody on this campus knows who I am, and just treats me like any other dog. I’m the First Dog. I do my business in the digging site in the Yard. Respect me.

2) One of the archeology kids smacked me in the head with a shovel today. No respect at all.

3) Everyone knows Clio is spelled C-L-E-O, Drew. Nobody thinks I know how to spell my own name.

4) Sometimes, when we’re by ourselves, Drew and I dress up in matching business suits. This make us feel powerful.

5) Drew ordered too much doggie food so she gave the leftovers to Annenberg. We laughed, and then went to go have some steak.

6) You know how some girls put their doggies in their handbags? Well, Drew does that sometimes. But I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t enjoy being stuffed inside her briefcase.

7) One time I peed in her office. I blamed it on Derek Bok. Drew believed me, and frankly I don’t blame her.

8) Mass Hall kids have scabies.

9) I have scabies.

10) I miss the old Drew, the one who would have slumber parties with me and put me in frilly costumes. Sometimes I think I don’t even know her anymore.

11) I also hate the new game we play which is called “Guess Who’s the President of Harvard?” It’s always her. It’s boring.

12) I don’t know why Drew has to play “Who Let the Dogs Out?” every time she opens the door to let me out. It’s annoying. Especially when she says “Drew! Drew! Drew!”

13) I miss the people at Radcliffe. They’d give me treats. These people avoid me like I have the plague, or am a member of the UC. It hurts.

14) Now that Drew is president, we sleep on silk sheets…they were nice at first, but now I slide off them. Talk about a mood-killer.

15) Look at my new collar! It’s from UC funds. Party grant that, Ryan A. Petersen.