Term Bill It

Harvard has a reputation of being like a country club. And that is a totally founded perception. Some might point to our picturesque courtyards, our classic architecture, or our privileged student body as evidence of this, but I think the term bill would have to be the ultimate indicator of our posh surroundings.

Think about it. The term bill is that expense account that we have always wanted, whether we knew it or not. It buys us unlimited meals, gives us sick housing, and even allows us to go to lectures by leading scholars of their fields, if we are so inclined. But there is so much more that a Harvard student can do with the magical term bill.

You can get anything you want by charging your parents behind their back. Some fools plead their parents to add money to their Crimson Cash accounts, but the truly savvy head over to the Law School, where you can term-bill all the Crimson Cash you desire. Then you are home free, with your parents paying for everything from pizza at Bertucci’s to liquor at C’est Bon.

After drinking said liquor, you have a nice safety net if you lose your belongings. A new ID card is just $20 (or $40 for the chronic offenders) away, all of which can go directly to your term bill. In fact, sending the cost to your term bill is the default option.

If wayward partygoers do any damage to your dorm room, you’ll be covered at the end of the year. Mom and Dad will cover the holes in the walls, excessive spills on the carpet, and the dead Newfoundland in your shower, as all repairs are term-billed.

No country club would be complete without drugs. You can get lots of them from University Health Services (UHS). And rest assured, all pharmacy items can be paid for with the term bill.

But perhaps the best use of the term bill is the renowned UHS massage. If you’ve had a tough week, just lie back and enjoy an hour of pampering. Your parents won’t mind, I’m sure.

This totally unauthorized spending all goes on behind the backs of our loving parents. With all the random-ass charges on our term bill already (Student Services Fee...Wtfuck?) they will hardly be able to keep track of it all.

Oh, and has anyone else noticed that Drew Gilpin Faust is Larry Summers in a wig?