Can’t make it back to Cabot for lunch? Burned through your Board Plus? Now that our final refuge—Adams House—is enforcing dining restrictions, it’s time to fight back with this guide to vigilante justice.
1) Publicly allege that Adams has returned to its elitist roots and discriminates against whatever race you happen to be.
2) Revenge and prosper: empty the toilet paper roll dispenser, conveniently located on your way out.
3) Go to breakfast. Strike the gong. Escape as sleep-addled Adamsians struggle to apprehend you.
4) Go to lunch. Strike the gong. Accuse a nearby resident.
5) Switch the placards in the Adams tunnels, forever stranding residents in the labyrinth under Plympton Street.
6) Threaten to call a dean if you’re not swiped in. This will confuse them and prevent them from calling a dean on you.
7) Whitewash the murals in the tunnels. Without a steady supply of morbid verse and pornographic popular art, Adamsians will quickly wither and die.
8) Find the rumored Adams wine cellar. Empty it. Love it.
9) Change the house newsletter “wellness tip” to “Burn calories skating on the Charles—the ice will hold you! We promise.”
10) Submit a recipe to HUDS detailing the authentic way to make lo- mein out of Adams’s beloved canine, Pip.
11) Sabotage the pot market in Cambridge—without “inspiration,” the Adams House GPA will plummet.
12) Wallpaper Adams with articles from the Salient, and allow a minority uprising to do your work for you.
13) Bribe the MAC construction workers to expand the dining hall skylight. With a wrecking ball.
14) Sharpie “I’m really fucking glad I” on the framed “Don’t live in Adams?” sign.
15) Need midnight relief? Skip John Harvard and salute the lions in the Adams dining hall instead.