We're Addicted.

Internet is the new Heroin

Honor S. W. Mcgee

Dolla Dolla Billz Y'all: Will Internet addiction inspire the same poetry?

If you live on campus and can read, you’ve probably noticed the plethora of internet addiction surveys advertised on bulletin boards around school. After reading their vague descriptions of internet obsession, you’ve probably thought, “Dang, with all that Facebooking, that sounds like me! But hey, I could be addicted to worse things—like heroin or methamphetamines.” False! The Internet is the real danger!

According to the Internet Addiction Survey at www.stresscure.com, linked on the Bureau of Study Counsel’s website, Internet addiction isn’t anything special: “Whether you are addicted to heroin, gambling, cigarettes, sexual deviancy, or eating Milky Way bars, all addictions have certain basic elements in common.” The survey’s questions include questions like “Are there particular areas of the ‘Net, or types of files, you find hard to resist?” (Oh, those Excel spreadsheets!). Once the survey is completed, addicts and non-addicts alike receive lengthy advice reports. For those Harvard students unfamiliar with the word “denial.” The site provides an example in our own lingo: “I don’t have a problem. You’ve got the problem, Dude. And besides, you’re beginning to tick me off!” Cowabunga!

Surprisingly, a random sample of ten students in Quincy House dining hall yielded none who scored in the addicted range of 7 to 9 “yes” answers. Four were not addicted, while the remaining six had 4-6 “yes” answers; for them, the survey recommends reading both reports, one of which points out that software, “especially new releases such as Windows 95,” can still cause stress.

Even those who got a clean bill of health aren’t safe: the reports warn, “When you do something you know is wrong, you don’t have to get caught to suffer consequences. Your unconscious will take over and make sure you are punished.” Addiction or no those bukkake bookmarks can come back to haunt you.