What costs the same as 110 nights at the Ritz, 640 Lacoste polos, or two matching Mini Coopers? A year at Harvard. Next year, it will be 3.5 percent more expensive. Here are some ways that FM thinks we will see a return on the increase.
1) Stockpiles of scabies cream at UHS. After this year’s little incident, they can’t risk another potential outbreak with the Class of 2012’s unclean members.
2) The MAC will close another six months for renovations. For what improvements? They’re not really sure. But they promise to find something.
3) Harvard-supplied three-ply toilet paper. Or at least two-ply. Anything less just isn’t sanitary. Seriously.
4) Vespas for Quadlings. It’ll look like Hells Angels took over Garden Street every day. But Euro chic.
5) On dorm room doors, eye readers instead of keys. Manual locks are so passé.
6) Students will now get $600/semester in Board Plus. Greenhouse Café is going to have some long lines.
7) Plasma TVs mounted on dining hall walls, broadcasting pertinent information like which dishes require a fork.
8) Instead of “Savory Spotlights,” HUDS will fly someone’s mom in every week to actually do the cooking.
9) Make It Rain was decent, but PfoHo can outdo itself next year. Real Benjamins, baby.
10) Screw recruiting. Harvard can buy the Celtics. Does that violate any Ivy League standards?
11) To conserve, showerheads will be removed and students will receive an Evian bottle for daily showering. In most respects, this sucks. But hey, it’s Evian.
12) Grey Goose at Stein Clubs...oh wait. Scratch that—thanks, Pilbeam.
13) Harvard will purchase a Caribbean island. It will serve as the Ad Board’s Guantanamo Bay.
14) Svens for everyone. (Blackberry commercial, anyone?)
15) Drew Faust will launch a task force on how to spend increased funds. Unfortunately, the cost of that task force is the funds.