A Perfect Policy
The University really outdid itself when it put speakers in trees
As students have undoubtedly noticed, the University has a new voice—or rather, voices. In celebration of Harvard’s 375th anniversary, speakers mounted in trees have been speaking to students with the wisdom of some of the most famed persons ever to address our fair campus.
We applaud and commend the University for this astonishing policy change that will undoubtedly proffer a plethora of benefits for students and the greater Harvard community in some of the most troubled areas of the campus life and University policy. We seriously could not be clapping harder.
One of the most important benefits that this improvement will yield is the creation of an inclusive and safe social space for all students in the Yard. The college has tried this once before; the party-colored chairs were an attempt at such a move, but they made the Yard look more like a closeout sale at Ikea than somewhere that college students want to hang out.
These speakers, however, are a different story. Under the exciting influence of Mother Theresa or Colin Powell’s soothing baritone, we are confident many Harvard students will be anxious to get down in the yard. We only worry that under the combined influence of alcohol and Leonard Bernstein, the parties might get a little too crazy. In fact, the only people who ought to be upset about the new social space in the Yard are the members of certain misogynistic, hetero-normative clubs and other single-gender organizations that perpetuate harmful social norms, because now the rest of the college is finally going to be as enlightened as we on The Crimson have been for so long! Their parties will probably be just as cool too.
Along similar lines, in light of all of the protests in Boston lately, we feel that it is only a matter of time until these agenda-less ruffians make their way to our gilded halls, and we feel that with the wisdom of these veritable giants guiding them they will see the impotence of their protestations.
We don’t hesitate to say, however, that the benefits of the penetrating insights booming from the arboreal phalli will extend well beyond influencing our potential protesters. In all likeliness, a strong nor’easter will pick up some time in the next few days, carrying the lofty sounds of sage advice to Allston, where it will more than make up for any missteps in University policy towards that community. We wouldn’t be surprised to see a sudden inflow of thanks from Allston residents in regard to what amounts to the most pure gift the University could give them—it beats the pants off of free classes anyway!
We would also like to express our satisfaction that these speeches, none of which were given by finance moguls, are being delivered right in the middle of recruiting season. Perhaps Goldman better watch out, or T. S. Eliot will in all likelihood talk them out of some prospects!
Perhaps most importantly, the new policy is very sustainable. The University could have mounted the speakers on poles that would have had to been placed in the ground, interrupting a tiny underground ecosystem and probably killing some bugs, but it chose instead to use trees, a true testament to how far the school has come towards real sustainability. Green truly is the new Crimson.
While we could not think of any ways that these speeches would help with House renewal, getting hot breakfast back, or ending racism, we are sure that if we gave it some more time, we could come up with something.