Everyone who has ever taken a Harvard tour knows that what we’ll call an "after hours visit" to the Widener stacks is one of the three things you are supposed to do in college. But why stop there? From the Belltower of Pfoho to the labyrinths of Mather, there are tons of escapades waiting for you (and a partner). When you’re ready for the big leagues, take this quiz to determine your next Harvard sex spot.
1. With which of the following HUDS meals would you choose to spend the rest of your life?
a. Lentil Portabella Patty
b. Beef Fajita Alfredo Fettuccini
c. Red Spice Chicken
d. Loco Moco
2. Who is your professor crush?
a. Niall Ferguson
b. Steven Pinker
c. Harvey Mansfield
d. Matthew Kaiser
3. With which of your freshman advisors would you make out?
b. Academic Advisor
d. The professor for your big lecture course (techinically not an advisor, but whatever.)
4. What course title best describes your love life?
a. English crr: Fiction Writing: Workshop
b. Engineering Sciences 123: Introduction to Fluid Mechanics and Transport Processes
c. WGS 1154: I Like Ike, But I Love Lucy: Women, Popular Culture, and the 1950s
d. History 79j: The Oldest Profession? A Global History of Sex Work 1750 to the Present
5. When I say stacks, you say:
d. Been there, done that
6. You get asked on a date by a grad student. (S)he’s from which school?
a. Business School: “Let’s get down to business.”
b. Law School: “Stop in the name of love.”
c. Education School: “You teach me and I’ll teach you.”
d. Divinity School: “Like a prayer, I’ll take you there.”
7. What is your concentration?
d. Folklore and Mythology
8. What is your exercise regimen?
a. None. We’re at Harvard, remember?
b. I run on the treadmill and lift weights occasionally.
c. Pilates. I’m all about the sculpted, flexible bod.
d. Varsity athlete. I don’t mess around.
9. It’s a Saturday night at 11:00 p.m. You are:
a. Transformed to a level 70 paladin. Bring it, underworld scum.
b. A show. Or a concert. Or a ballet. I’m cultured, you know.
c. Lost my first game of pong. Grabbing a side beer, then going back for round two.
d. WHERE AM I?? HOW DID I GET HERE?? #YOLO
10. You live in a walkthrough double. You want to bring someone home, but your roommate is asleep. You:
a. Wait, what? That would require me leaving my room.
b. Try to be as quiet as possible. Can’t make the bed squeak.
c. Sombrero on the door.
d. Invite the roomie to join. It comes with the territory.
How to calculate your score: Give yourself 1 point for every (a) answer, 2 points for every (b) answer, and 3 points for every (c) answer, and 4 points for every (d) answer.
Your ideal sex spot is a classroom above Memorial Hall. Quiet, private, and with ample space to study, these hidden rooms above Annenberg will give you the security to experiment. Just be careful for the wandering eyes of freshmen eating down below.
Your ideal sex spot is the SOCH. Open to all, the SOCH is the perfect place to begin trying out exhibitionism. You’ll be practicing in public, but don’t worry about being caught—who goes to the SOCH anyways? Take advantage of the new furniture on the first floor. It’s never been used before!
Check out the Harvard Community Garden. Embrace the fertility of the landscape and its delightful aromas. Just watch out for poison ivy and don’t mistake your partner for the scarecrow. Straw is rough.
Woah there, cowboy. You’re already a pro. The only thing left to do is make it a threesome with John Harvard. He’s always hard and ready to go, but do expect an audience.