I sincerely regret to inform you that we cannot, at this time, offer you admittance to Stoughton Hall 211’s futon for the night preceding the Harvard-Yale football game.
We of Stoughton Hall 211 understand that this letter may bring extreme disappointment. Please note that we received a record number of applications from students of diverse backgrounds originating from all of Yale’s residential colleges and even an exotic few who choose to live off campus. This year’s applicants demonstrated immense talents in both casual drinking settings and competitive drinking environments. We even received an early decision application from an international beer pong champion who unfortunately performed poorly on the social interaction test.
Please do not take this letter as a reflection of your abilities both as a guest and as a fan of athletic competitions between two schools that do not care about athletics. We of Stoughton Hall 211 greatly enjoyed your essay entitled “I Sleep Like a Rock...And I Don’t Snore Either” as well as your optional artistic supplement—a tape of you cheering in an enthusiastic, yet respectful manner.
Ultimately, we simply do not have space on our futon for everyone, even an individual like you, who is able to open a beer bottle with his belt buckle. Also, your listed knowledge of Chinese, Italian, and Java—while impressive—did not seem relevant to us when putting together our class Harvard-Yale Weekend 2012. We did, however, enjoy the cupcakes you sent, although we thought the mix of crimson and blue icing was a bit much.
While your legacy status was a consideration, having a cousin who once stayed with us simply is not enough to push you through, especially given your cousin who has failed to donate to our party fund in recent memory.
Remember, there are plenty of great places to stay at Harvard besides our room, and we’re sure that you’ll have a great time at The Game regardless of whether or not you have access to our giant beer pong table and flat screen TV. Perhaps you can sleep in the dining hall of your “sister” House. We believe yours to be Cabot.
Stoughton Room 211