1. Top 10 prescription medications I have been on in the past month. Related: Top 5 diseases UHS has told me I have had in the past month. Also related: The five combinations of those medications that made me feel the most stoned.
2. Top 5 most attractive moments I have had in the past two weeks. The number one spot is a toss-up between loudly blowing my nose outside the liquor store and looking at the tissue afterwards, and accidentally spitting orange juice onto the crotch of my pants.
3. Top 5 pictures of Memorial Church that I’ve ruined, including bitterly chain-smoking and staring directly at the camera of two Korean tourists who clearly did not think I would understand them referring to ‘the sad girl’ getting in the way of their picture. Runner-up: various wedding pictures.
4. Top 80 sophomore emotional crises, featuring “No, Dad, I Am Not Going To Law School” and “Ten Years Ago I Thought I’d Be Fulfilled By Now.”
5. Top 7 reasons I have second-guessed getting a job. The first is that moving big folders of maps has on occasion resulted in large paper cuts across my neck, making me look more psychologically disturbed than I actually am. The second is that I now believe I can spend all the money I want at the Kong.
6. Top 3 reasons I should never go to the Kong. No further explanation necessary.
7. The 12 most common texts seen in my blocking group’s GroupMe thread, including “i’m so alone,” “someone come cry with me in my room,” “goddammit conrad,” and “goddammit matt.”
8. Top 4 joke blogs I have maintained along with Brian Kim, such as Matt Watson Doing Things and Frond Cinema, in which we take pictures of our friends, turn them black and white, add angsty subtitles, and convince everyone they’re screenshots from classic films.
9. Top 9 things I should really know by now and don’t, including what the hell ‘post-modernism’ means and which way to turn my ID to swipe in for meals.
10. Top 5 comments I have received from people seeing my room for the first time, featuring “This is depressing,” “Do you ever leave,” and wordless laughter.
—Natalie T. Chang is the incoming Covers Executive. She considers it a good day when she doesn’t sit down in the shower.