THE GREAT HOUSE WAR: A Timeline

Keren E. Rohe

adams

-A contentious debate erupts in Adams concerning the vote for a House mascot. Acorn, unicorn, or corn on the cob?

-Adams HoCo adds wine and cheese as a mascot option.

-Residents of Currier House attempt to tamper with the Adams poll. Hey, Currierites eat lunch in Adams every day, they should probably have some voice in the decision too.

-Adams HoCo formally declares war on Currier. HoCo members haven’t been this excited since HUDS started issuing satisfaction surveys. Pforzheimer, Cabot, and Mather pledge their support for Currier. The Axis of Evil Lottery Results is formed.

-A Winthrop senior declares war on Lowell from his bunk bed.

-Lowell is confused but continues preparations for this year’s Lowell Opera, entitled “Suck It Winthrop.”

-Cabot declares that, unlike the rest of Harvard, Adams is “elitist.”

-Adams does much to disprove accusations of elitism by declaring that Currier is a “colony” of Adams.

-Adams residents continue to form alliances with other Adams residents. The rest of the Houses refuse to support Adams, though Kirkland does say that it “doesn’t care at all.”

-Adams HoCo adds a tree bursting into flames and an impaled polar bear as mascot options.

-Currier residents are denied access to meals in Adams dining hall. Annoyed, Currierites sneak in through the back entrance.

-Adams unleashes its cockroach army on Mather. Mather doesn’t notice as the roaches blend into the beer-stained wall-to-wall carpeting.

-Currier, Pfoho, and Cabot march on the river. Tired from the long journey, the quadlings return home on the party shuttle.

-Kirkland House remains ambivalent about everything.

-Adams attempts to pour beer all over the Quad Houses’ mascot costumes. Unfortunately, the costumes are waterproof because they’re used to reflect tears on Housing day. A video is made.

-Eliot tries to use the war as a reason to claim its superiority over all other Houses.

-Currier attacks Adams with tree branches. Mascotless, Adams cannot respond.

-HoCo members from all Houses start attacking each other, but only through computer-generated memes.

-After a three-day trek, Mather forces arrive outside Adams.

-The non-HoCo residents of Adams check their @college e-mail accounts and finally figure out why there’s a layer of foam covering the dining hall.

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