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Five Most Upsetting Upcoming Remakes of Classic Films

By Daniel K. Lakhdhir, Crimson Staff Writer

5. “Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance”

Thought Park-Chan Wook’s bloody, brilliant “Vengeance Trilogy” had escaped Hollywood bastardization? Think again. Though Will Smith and Steven Spielberg’s mooted “Oldboy” remake is (thankfully) still dead, an English language script for the next-best film in the trilogy is currently making the rounds.

4. “The NeverEnding Story”

This movie will be infinitely worse if it: 1. has good CGI, and 2. isn’t unintentionally creepy/scarring for the small children who are its only audience. Both of which, sadly, seem likely to happen in the remake.

3. “Robocop”

Wait a second... directed by Darren Aronofsky? Written by David Self? I take it all back: “Requiem for a Dream” crossed with “Road to Perdition” plus crime-fighting robots sounds incredible.

2. “Straw Dogs”

“OK, you’ve had your fun,” growls Dustin Hoffman in Sam Peckinpah’s original. “I’ll give you one more chance, and if you don’t clear out now, there’ll be real trouble. I mean it.” Now imagine those lines now coming out of the mouth of ...James Marsden, a guy whose recent roles include Prince Edward in “Enchanted” and the groom in the Katherine Heigl vehicle “27 Dresses.”

1. “The Warriors”

Why, Hollywood? Why? Or not.

—Daniel K. Lakhdhir is an incoming Campus Arts editor. He is classic.

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