Defining “basic” is anything but. While basicness is commonly understood as a binary, close scrutiny—in the form of a weekend on Long Island—has reminded me that this is far from the case. Like electromagnetism and everything in a WGS class, “basic” is a spectrum, and like a proclivity for pumpkin spice, it exists inside all of us. To help make sense of this misunderstood condition (and our desire to pair Juicy with Uggs), FM presents the Basic pH Scale. Similar to the litmus paper from your 8th grade science fair project, the higher you go, the more basic you get. If you have any questions, visit BU.
1—Beyoncé. We’ve accepted that it’s part of the human condition to love Bey, but at the same time, clichés are basic. And so is naming your daughter after a color.
2—Animal Videos. Videos of dogs, hamsters, and other furry mammals scratching themselves may be cute, but do you really need to post them all over your blockmate’s wall?
3—Froyo. Use all the cognitive dissonance in your power, but froyo will never be a healthier version of ice cream.
4—Lamont Café. Like a final club party, nothing good happens after 11 p.m. Ignore the girl with the Kong take out—she’ll thank you later.
5—HBO Go. SWUG dreaming you’re Hannah Horvath? Get in line.
6—The B-School. Need I say more? If you’re confused, go to Park on a Thursday night. You’ll still be confused but not for the same reason.
7—Wine Night. Having four buck chuck in your Winthrop common room doesn’t make you classy. For every Instagram, move yourself up the scale.
8—Pumpkin Spice. Maybe it’s the perfect companion to stepping on crunchy leaves, but every other girl in Uggs has the same thought.
9—Section kid. You don’t really care about Confucius. Otherwise you wouldn’t be in Chinese Philosophy.
10—Farmer’s Market Tuesdays. Either we’re all friends of farmers, or we have our eyes on the same cute nut guy.
11—OCI. No one is surprised to see you shuffling down Mass Ave in a suit. Please don’t expect us to be.
12—Inspirational Quotes. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own (basic) inner voice.
13—Daedalus. A nice atmosphere and pleasant lighting, but too many HKS students trying to relive their twenties makes this a basic haunt.
14—Eliot House. Yes, your budget makes us judge you.