We’ve all seen that desperate Facebook post. You know, the one that reads something like this: “I lost my black Canada Goose jacket, size medium, this weekend! If anyone finds it please let me know, I’m freaking out!!” Lost coat notices have been cropping up more and more recently. It’s a phenomenon that we at FM can’t quite explain—maybe we’re shedding our outer layers in a subconscious plea for warmer weather? Nevertheless, we have developed a tried-and-true method for locating said article of clothing.
01. It’s a Saturday evening. What are you and your friends doing?
a) “Talkin’ pedicures on our toes, toes / tryin’ on all our clothes, clothes /
boys blowin’ up our phones, phones” (courtesy of Ke$ha).
b) Armed with Sprite, gummy worms, and Dominos. First up: Math 55
problem sets, followed by physics and CS homework.
c) Brooding over vegan juices at Life Alive, plotting your summers on an
d) Slurping down protein shakes after crushing a 2-hour lifting session at
02. It’s turn-up-o’clock! Your cocktail of choice?
a) The Border Cafe strawberry margarita—so sweet it feels like your teeth
are melting, but at least you can’t taste the alcohol!
b) “The Giggling Yoda”—equal parts vodka and fizzy green Mountain
c) A crisp elderflower martini, sipped by the fireplace over a well-worn
book of Hemingway short stories. d) A 30 rack of Natty Light.
03. The one song you can get down to anytime, any place is...
a) “Drunk in Love” by Beyonce.
b) “White and Nerdy” by Weird Al Yankovic.
c) The new song by Autre Ne Veut (you’ve probably never heard of them). d) The “Rocky” theme song.
04. Time to reveal yourself: What were you wearing UNDER the coat? a) Your “going out clothes,” obviously! You’re willing to brave the arctic temperatures because that strapless dress is SO worth it.
b) Your lucky CS50 T-shirt that you haven’t washed since David J. Malan ’99 handed it to you on the last day of class.
c) Your favorite, worn-to-death plaid flannel, tribal print leggings, and a t-shirt with a mustache on it.
d) Under Armour and Nikes with a Harvard Athletics hoodie—all day every day.
05. Your texts from last weekend read a little like this:
a) To the BFF: “yo baby where’d you gooooo? come to the spee we’re dancing on FABLES.” “jk TABLES.”
b) To the late night librarian (aka the BFF): “r u still serving coffee upstairs?” “wait can you also order us Insomnia?” “plz?”
c) To your blockmates throwing a party: “can you keep it down outside? i’m trying to compose a spoken word poem entitled ‘a snapchat worth 1000 words.’”
d) To your trainer: “CRUSHED leg day dude #GAINZ”
If you answered mostly:
A’s: The Owl Basement—or maybe it was the Fly? honestly, it’s bound to turn up at one of the clubs, unless, of course, it’s been kidnapped by a fellow partygoer. FM acknowledges this unfortunate possibility, but, sadly, our sleuthing powers are just not up to tracking down stolen items.
B’s: Oy. Your missing coat is also in a basement, but a rather different sort: the Lamont basement. Run and get it before the book smell and aura of despair settles into your garment permanently.
C’s: Check the Barker Center Café. You were so wrapped up in the coffee table discussion of Proust last afternoon that you forgot to bundle up again! Silly goose!
D’s: You’ve left it hanging on the pull up bar—again (sigh). You were plenty hot and sweaty after your workout, though, so who can blame you for forgetting that extra layer of insulation?