A School Outside Boston

After racking my brain for hours, I’ve finally found just the word to describe Harvard’s return to standardized testing: ✨problematic✨.

No offense, but I’m really not standardized, and I don’t think you’re going to be able to capture who I am as a person, an artistic creator, a friend, and a grassroots changemaker, in a test where I could literally be given the same exact score as thousands, if not hundreds, of other people.

If you meet me, you would understand just how ridiculous it is to judge whether I deserve to go to Harvard solely based on my talents or life accomplishments. There is just some indelible special quality about me that supersedes my inability to perform basic algebra, fill in a bubble sheet correctly, or remember to bring a No. 2 pencil.

When Harvard leadership is rocked by scandal and it’s going to take a second to find a replacement, the moment calls for a brave, confidence-inspiring caretaker.

That is why I, Alan M. Garber ’76, am running to be your HUA Co-President along with John F. Manning ’82, who is actually just my more-jacked alter ego.

I will only assume the title of “Interim HUA Co-President Alan Garber,” because I am specifically running to fill the time between the recall vote and the appointment of the next co-presidents.

Attention! If you or a loved one have received a B-plus on your transcript, you may be entitled to financial compensation.

We, the Concerned Harvard Undergraduates Trying Zealously to Prevent Academic Harm, have filed a class-action lawsuit against Harvard University for wrongful discrimination in violation of Title VI of the Civil Rights Act and Harvard’s own code of conduct. We at CHUTZPAH believe that B-pluses are equivalent to malicious and premeditated attacks on the scholastically inferior.

A B-plus, for those unfamiliar (humanities students), is a rare malady that persists in a few dark corners of our hallowed institution. If you have recently been exposed to a course in a subject at which you do not excel, a professor who actually cares about your education, or a TF seeking revenge, you are at risk of having come into contact with the dreaded B-plus.

It has come to our attention that an image appeared on our organization’s Instagram account that made certain people uncomfortable. Now that we might face consequences, we want to take this opportunity to express how bad we feel.

Let’s make one thing abundantly clear: It wasn’t our fault.

It was a series of unfortunate accidents. Have you ever had a little cousin take your phone and ask your professor out by accident? That’s exactly what happened to us, only instead of someone’s cousin, it was an overenthusiastic freshman hacker who somehow guessed the password to our Canva account and copy-pasted an antisemitic cartoon into our infographic draft. And then a rock — a small one — fell from the sky and hit “publish.” Again, not our fault.

All names and quotes contained within this satirical piece are fictional.

Politics this, plagiarism that. Harvard is in the limelight, which means that the student journalists of the Harvard Crimson have picked up some competition.

The first sign of trouble was a bearded, middle-aged man thinly disguised as a Harvard student. In a Canada Goose coat and the classic Zinnia colorblock scarf, the man lurked on the outskirts of student demonstrations, loitered outside Harvard Management Company meetings, and lingered in the Science Center Plaza, sniffing for the distinctive scent of a passing Crimson reporter.

Freshmen, a new semester is upon us, and the housing process is just around the corner. Which is to say: If you don’t have friends yet, get scared. Also, you’re 3.5 short years from graduation, and there’s a zero percent chance you’ll make friends post-college, if my parents are any indication. Personally, I’m good at making friends (just ask the turkeys outside Barker Center and my Securitas guard), and we have a lot of fun hanging out together (eating dried grains and letting people into the dorms), but maybe you are not as lucky. That’s okay. Here is some advice to help you out.

Suppose it’s breakfast time. When you enter Annenberg, select foods that convey your friendliness and approachable personality. If you are a girl, select three cucumber slices, so that people will see how skinny you are. If you are a boy, take four glasses of chocolate milk so people know you are confident in your masculinity. Watermelon is political; avoid.

Next, maneuver to a table while texting on your phone, reminding onlookers you’re in high demand and they’d be lucky to get a word in edgewise. Wave across the dining hall; no one can tell there’s no one there. Sit down. Do not grip the armrests of the chair; this shows weakness. Look around your table. These 18-year-old dweebs are not just tomorrow’s LinkedIn connections — they are also this morning’s targets.