A School Outside Boston

By Yona T. Sperling-Milner

New York Times, Get out of My School

All names and quotes contained within this satirical piece are fictional.

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Social Studies

Freshmen, a new semester is upon us, and the housing process is just around the corner. Which is to say: If you don’t have friends yet, get scared. Also, you’re 3.5 short years from graduation, and there’s a zero percent chance you’ll make friends post-college, if my parents are any indication. Personally, I’m good at making friends (just ask the turkeys outside Barker Center and my Securitas guard), and we have a lot of fun hanging out together (eating dried grains and letting people into the dorms), but maybe you are not as lucky. That’s okay. Here is some advice to help you out.

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