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Columns

Vote Alan Garber for Interim HUA Co-President

A School Outside Boston

By Frank S. Zhou
By Yona T. Sperling-Milner, Crimson Opinion Writer
Yona T. Sperling-Milner ’27, a Crimson Editorial editor, lives in Hurlbut Hall.

When Harvard leadership is rocked by scandal and it’s going to take a second to find a replacement, the moment calls for a brave, confidence-inspiring caretaker.

That is why I, Alan M. Garber ’76, am running to be your HUA Co-President along with John F. Manning ’82, who is actually just my more-jacked alter ego.

I will only assume the title of “Interim HUA Co-President Alan Garber,” because I am specifically running to fill the time between the recall vote and the appointment of the next co-presidents.

I am an outsider candidate: Not only am I not involved in HUA, the IOP, the Class of 2027, or any other vortex of megalomaniacal youth, I am actually not a member of the Harvard student body at all. You can trust that I’m not pursuing this role for resume-stacking purposes, because I am 68 years old.

I have a strong record of assuming leadership reins from scandal-plagued leaders, and I will devote every milquetoast bone in my body to being as unobtrusive and subtle a president as possible, like an anonymous, bearded moth turning slightly more beige to blend in with the wall behind it.

You can count on me to have absolutely zero charges of final club misconduct, because the only social organization to which I belong is the board of Vertex Pharmaceuticals, and at our latest rager me and the guys went absolutely wild playing “Chutes and Ladders” and trading gossip about the latest experimental cystic fibrosis treatments.

But if the track record of Gerald R. Ford Jr. on combating stagflation is any indication, a caretaker presidency doesn’t have to be ineffectual. I’m running for HUA Interim Co-President because I realized so many of the things I wanted to do as Harvard University interim President, like liquidate the endowment to bring in 6ix9ine and abolish Gen Ed requirements, actually fall squarely under the authority of the Harvard Undergraduate Association.

For starters: the HUDS options. Specifically, I think I would rather focus on getting rid of grilled chicken than getting grilled about Islamophobia. I’m also passionate about tackling the issue of free laundry; having no dirty laundry is one of my primary selling points.

It also sounds like getting more people to pay the student activities fee would be easier than wooing back donors angry about our response to the Oct. 7 attacks.

And if it wasn’t already pretty obvious, I am very much in favor of Ice Spice for Yardfest. I was a huge fan of “Wannabe (Tell Me What You Want)” and “Spice Up Your Life” and I look forward to whipping out my Union Jack minidress for the occasion.

Also, while I may only be running for the interregnum period, I’m hoping this gig may grow into something more long-term. You know the deal: Everyone forgets to announce a search committee, the next thing you know they’re endorsing you, and soon 20 years have gone by since the last time anyone called you “interim” HUA Co-President.

In conclusion, T.A.K.E. C.A.R.E.: The Accountable, Kind, Enigmatic Chameleon Ably Running in this Election.

Yona T. Sperling-Milner ’27, a Crimson Editorial editor, lives in Hurlbut Hall. Her column “A School Outside Boston” runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays.

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