Which Proposed Turkey Mascot Name Are You?

By Eve S. Jones

If you are the reluctant owner of a @college.harvard.edu email address, you received a poll from the HUA about whether we should have a turkey mascot and what it should be named. Putting aside the general absurdity of this event — A turkey? Linking is gone, course registration is in November, and we have to deal with a turkey? — Flyby is doing what we do best and telling you which of these options you can align yourself with, in ~quiz form~.

What is your favorite HUDS brunch item?

A. Veritaffles

B. Bagels and smoked salmon

C. Scrambled eggs

D. Frittatas

E. Bacon

F. Pancakes

How do you feel about football?

A. Neutral

B. Somewhat positively — Yay running!

C. Very negatively — Too much tackle, not enough run

D. Not enough women but otherwise fine

E. Very positively — Get em!!!

F. Somewhat negatively — It’s boring :(

A turkey is crossing your path on the sidewalk. What do you do?

A. Wait for it to pass

B. Sprint past it and hope it doesn’t bother you

C. Try to pet it

D. Stare into its eyes as you pass

E. Fight it

F. Take the shuttle around it

Ten thousand men of Harvard want…

A. Victory today

B. Ongoing general victory

C. To pet a cat

D. Equal rights

E. To go? You wanna go?!

F. Total control of the Greater Boston Metropolitan Area

Which Harvard building name is also a name you would give to your child?

A. Winthrop

B. Holden

C. Lamont

D. Emerson

E. Canaday

F. Science and Engineering Complex

How would you feel if (and of course this won’t happen so don’t even worry about it) we lost The Game?

A. Devastated

B. Restless

C. Teary-eyed

D. Freezing, probably

E. Vengeful

F. Anxious about Harvard’s continued standing on the world stage

Mostly A’s: John

You’re into classic Harvard. John Harvard, John Turkey. John Turkeyvard? A no-brainer. Actually. No brains were involved in the making of this option.

Mostly B’s: Trottie

Like Trottie Turkey, you are a go-getter. You’re always on the move. You’re a big fan of an unnecessary “ie” rather than “y.” You go, Trottie.

Mostly C’s: Remy

Like Remy Turkey, you’re shortsighted (Remy is not immortal, unfortunately) and/or you like cats too much. Tinder is free and easy to use <3

Mostly D’s: Tami

If you’re into Tami Turkey, the only overtly feminine turkey name on the roster (hmm…), you are a STAUNCH FEMINIST. Thanks for your support, queen.

Mostly E’s: Talon

Like Talon Turkey, you are very literal and very vicious. If people disagree with you about the best name for the turkey, you’ll slash them with your claws. Or just sort of glare at them.

Mostly F’s: Allston

Like Allston Turkey, you’re a visionary! You’re passionate about gentrification urban planning and you aren’t afraid to show it. Make sure to express your enthusiasm for Allston Turkey next time you’re on the shuttle to the SEC.

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