15 Things to Consider Before Going Out This Weekend

Post-Lather nipple burn caught you by surprise? Read this list before attending other popular Harvard dances, and you’ll never wake up with your secondary sexual organs irritated again.

1. Senior Bar has been known to cause nostalgia, awkward silence, and/or rickets.

2. Late nights at The Advocate can cause nose-itching and, in some cases, accidental laying out of a literary magazine.

3. Pub Night causes fun czars to ejaculate. Sometimes prematurely.

4. Hey baby­­—if you come to the Salient soda hour this weekend, the cops might arrest you. For stealing my heart.

5. Enjoyed the Owl’s Catholic Schoolgirl dance? Then you’re probably a big slut.

6. Watch out at the Leverett 80s Dance. You’ll be livin’ on a prayer when you get diagnosed with Persistive Vegetative Syndrome.

7. If you like your foreskin, avoid Harvard Hillel social functions. You’ll feel so out of place.

8. What do the Last Chance Dance and a meat market have in common? Hoof and mouth.

9. A.D.? More like the Rabies-D.

10. I Heart the Nineties? More like I just got lactose intolerance.

11. The Quincy Collective sure does free your mind—and your bowels.

12. Sometimes, dorm parties make me really, really hate myself.

13. Take extra caution at Ground Zero. Man, that place smells like Chlamydia!

14. The Spee’s EuroTrash Bash? No diseases there.

15. Present! magazine’s silent dance parties are certainly quiet. But Old Yeller was also quiet before he was brutally murdered.