Tired of the endless finance, consulting, and tech companies at career recruiting fairs? FM imagines what the job hunt would be like if the lesser-known companies you really wanted to work for came to campus. Peruse at your will, but not for too long—deadlines are fast approaching, and any of these jobs would be better than living in grandma’s basement (or would they? The ol’ gal does make a mean pecan pie).
Barfum and Bakum Circus
If you want to work with a diverse group of individuals in exotic locales, apply to the Barfum and Bakum Circus. We are currently in need of: bearded ladies, bi-headed goats, demonic twins, Elvis impersonators, dentists (for our two lovely African lions), morticians (for our two lovely former African lion dentists), trained fleas, and a front desk receptionist (Photoshop skills a plus). Don’t fit the above descriptions? Don’t bother to apply.
If you have a cultivated palate, food tasting is the job for you. To preserve the purity of the palate, you can only taste one food per week. This week is onion week! Green onion, white onion, red onion, brown onion; you will taste them all. You will then write about your feelings in The Diary. It is acceptable to cry. Get pumped, because next week is ketchup week—sorry, no fries allowed.
Maybe the sum of your parts come out to a bland, average-looking human being but, yowza, have you got thumbs to die for! Our parts models have been featured in Vogue and Vanity Fair, runways in Paris and Milan, and an airplane safety video. You’ve never seen super-star Katrina Nelson, but you’ve seen her “perfect ten” hands pull gooey, gooey strings of cheese from her Taco Bell Chalupa Supreme®. Same goes for Pamela Moses, Megan Fox’s thumb double. Put that biomedical engineering degree to good use and engineer your career! To apply, send pictures of your parts to corporate headquarters in Beaverdale, Ky.
Work in the Movies!
Do you like jumping off 10-story buildings? Me neither, but sometimes I can sneak a wave to my mom mid-flip. “Look, ma, no hands!” Remember the guy that did the motorcycle trick in Fast & Furious 6? Neither do I, but I hear he’s going through a tough time. Note to self: send Doug a card. Maybe some flowers. As a stuntman. Or woman. The industry don’t discriminate. A cracked spine don’t discriminate either. Neither does a diaphragmatic hernia (don’t ask). Hey kid, you’re perfect for the job. We need some young blood. Usually they, uh, “move on” by the age of twenty-seven. What can I say? The job has a lot of upward and downward mobility.
Are you a smart, ambitious young professional? Do you have strong skills in critical thinking, problem solving, and teamwork? Consider working for the Fortune 500...fortune cookie writing company. We provide full benefits including health insurance, paid time off, and a 401k retirement savings plan. Inspire millions with your words! Plus, if you consider yourself a clairvoyant, you may be eligible for our accelerated lucky lotto numbers management track. We See Great Things In Your Future!