FM imagines where Harvard’s premier talent is most likely to end up. Today we bring you a guide to your futures based on your choice of student group. And let’s be honest: We all know Harvard students only join these clubs for the career opportunities. So when you consider what to comp next semester, keep this list in mind.
Harvard College Consulting Group to McKinsey & Company
The paragon of excellence. The pathway to success. The shining example of all things Harvard. Each has been used to describe the Harvard College Consulting Group, or HCCG for short. But why McKinsey instead of Bain? We don’t see the difference between these companies, except that everyone says Bain is way more fun. Apparently at Bain, employees actually get perks, and we all know how the HCCG Board spends its cash. (Disclaimer: Jamie, not Brian, wrote this. Brian is a new analyst for HCCG.)
Colorado Club to Tycoon
We all know how it works. First, members join the club to find a nice “chill” community amidst Harvard’s stress. Then one day sophomore year you decide to try pot to get “the authentic Colorado experience, man!” One day, your friend asks you for some. You’re short on cash, though, so you assign it a random dollar value. Surprisingly, he pays up. Suddenly you decide money’s better. You take a class at the Business School and now you know enough to launch your empire.
Harvard Polo Team to Carriage Driver in Central Park
At Harvard, polo team members become business partners with their horses. After their four years of college are up, those stallions want to shoot for the big leagues, racing at Saratoga or Churchill Downs. You’re a little too tall to be a jockey, so you steer your personal steed towards New York City instead. He’s reluctant at first, but you convince him by mentioning that his employment benefits include having the entire city streets at his mane’s mercy. Every so often though, you have the urge to grab a walking stick and whack a little kid’s soccer ball to relive the glory days.
Crimson Key to Johnny Manziel's Publicity Agent
Johnny needs a mission-based team that can throw a good party. He needs someone who can fake smile with the best of them and doesn’t lack in self-promotion. His current group messed this one up, so it’s time for Crimson Key to put their Harvard degrees to good use. Follow the red sweatshirts, Johnny.
On Thin Ice to Ice Sculpture
Accounts of the exact idea’s proposal vary; we imagine it went something like this:
“Man, nobody’s coming to our shows anymore. What can we do?”
“I know! Let’s do a show of On Thin Ice…wait for it…on thin ice!!”
“Yeah great idea! You get a promotion.”
It was an extra warm day—attendance was way up. Midway through the improv game where they rotate in a square, the ice started to crack and, well, you know the rest.
Harvard College Association for the Promotion of Interplanetary Expansion to Matthew McConaughey
Yes, this is a group at Harvard. We hadn’t heard of it either. This connection is self-explanatory, but if you haven’t seen “Interstellar,” ask Christopher Nolan. We’re pretty sure job interviews for the position involve driving stoned through a deserted Nevada highway without crashing into a cactus. Maybe a Harvard education doesn’t prepare us for the real world after all.
Undergraduate Council to White House
Becoming UC Rep was a prank. Running for House Representative, a dare. Being elected governor, sheer boredom. And President? Ebola became airborne and killed the Prez, the VP, and the 57 people in line ahead of you. Or maybe you went all Frank Underwood and took matters into your own hands. Either way, it all went just as planned.