Chains and Whips Excite Me
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Or... the most anxiety-inducing time, depending on your disposition toward interacting with potential love interests. Crawl out of your Lamont carrel and start dressing cuter for your class crush. Cuffing season is upon us.

What exactly is cuffing season?
November 1st marks the start of cuffing season. Now that promiscuous Halloweekend festivities are over, you probably never feel like going out again and instead yearn to settle down with a steady mate. An ever reputable source for what the kids are doing, Urban Dictionary explains this seasonal phenomenon as such: “cold weather and prolonged indoor activity cause singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.” Because Harvard students contend with plenty of “cold weather and prolonged indoor activity,” it’s natural to experience cuffing propensities.

How does one successfully cuff?
Step one: identify prime cuffing material. Who you aim to cuff is not the same person who caught your beer-goggled eye during Opening Days. Qualities to look for: good looking enough to co-star in your Harvard-Yale Insta for an inevitable couple debut, accepting of the insulating blubber you’ve put on for the winter, and financially stable (because you’re mostly in it for the obligatory holiday present). Whether you choose to rekindle a former or ongoing flame, or summon the courage to chat up someone new, go forth boldly and nobly in your quest. Unapologetically flirt, take up any and all date offers (the P-sets can wait), and even settle a little. If the going gets tough, get going, and download a dating app—you can’t wait ‘til Datamatch.

Nota bene: apps are a last resort. Nonetheless, you must press on with an end goal in mind. Just imagine finally having someone to coyly mention at the Thanksgiving dinner table when your wine-drunk relatives’ prying inquiries about your love life unavoidably commence. (Even if it’s just Kevin from Tinder).

When is cuffing season over?
Typically, the tied-down joys of cuddling and Burdick dates taper off by February 15th, when Western society denotes it acceptable to be alone again. If you make it past V-Day, chances are your relationship will wither by spring midterms. But if your cold-weather S.O. is financially solvent (read: already has a finance offer lined up, courtesy of early recruiting), have them put a ring on it before April 18th to reap in those tax benefits (cha-ching). Congratulations, you’re officially set for life. Happy cuffing, folks.