We’re concerned about you. Since we left you in the silent section of Lamont four days ago, we haven’t seen you. You haven’t been going out, but you have been wearing less and people are starting to notice. We got a snapchat just this morning of you stripping down in the bathroom to clean yourself—you're starting to scare off the freshmen! To be honest, we’re not entirely sure why you're still in Lamont. Your Orgo exam is over (did you even go!?), and from what you told us a few weeks ago your last final has already passed.
What have you been doing? You stopped live-tweeting your “death march” (these are your words, not ours) through finals week at least 36 hours ago and you haven’t charged your Crimson cash account with vending machine fees in ages. We checked.
Really, we’re writing this letter because we care about you... but also because we're starting to get complaints from fellow classmates. Apparently the entire building is starting to smell faintly like Adams did last spring, and people are saying the stench is emanating from you.
Please come home to us. But take a shower first!
With love (and mild disgust),